Category Archives: Drunken Movie Critic

Albert Nobbs

As the 84th Academy Awards approaches, my friends and I needed to cram in as many nominated films as possible. One rainy night we were torn between The Iron Lady and The Artist. Sadly, the timing was not right and we went with our third choice…Albert Nobbs.

If I had to describe Albert Nobbs with just one word, it would be frustrating. Not that finding the word would be hard, but that the word would be “frustrating.”

And now I explain.

Albert Nobbs is the story of a man who is actually a woman dressed as man in order to make money in turn of the century Ireland. Nobbs, played by Glenn Close (earning her an Oscar nod), is an odd, seemingly emotionless man whose sole purpose seems to be to own a shop with his wife. Yup, just earn money, own a shop and get himself a wife. Nobbs shows no other emotions until he meets another man/woman and his world gets all shaken up. Stupid fleas.

Trust me, that last statement will make more sense after seeing the movie. Continue reading

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Crazy Stupid Love

Crazy Stupid Love is all the reasons I do not go home with dudes from a bar.

  • Reason #1: A weird, awkward divorcee who is out to get balls deep in a new vagina.
  • Reason #2: A sketchy gigolo who drops one liners.
  • Reason #3: I am so desperate I would probably go home with those other reasons.

But enough about me, let’s talk about the movie.

Crazy Stupid Love starts at the end. Of a marriage. After 20-odd years together, Cal (Steve Carell) and Emily (Julianne Moore) are calling it quits. But how does Cal, who has devoted to one woman for so long, re-enter the dating scene? Enter Jacob (Ryan Gosling) a smooth-talking, lady-loving, man-whore who want to leave his womanizing ways and find his soulmate (Hannah — played by Emma Stone). Will they help each other out? Will they become mortal enemies? How will their paths cross? Let the farce begin!!

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Ides of March

Ugh. Political Movies.

Not since A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum have I enjoyed a movie that was based on the farce of politics. As with the previous movie, The Ides of March focuses on backstabbing in politics…well, figurative backstabbing.

The basic plot of the movie reads like this: A young, faithful campaign manager (Ryan Gosling) gets a crash-course in ethics, dirty-politics and what it takes to succeed in politics after he learns the truth about his idol (George Clooney). That is all I want to tell you because the plot unfolding with the help of an amazing support cast is part of what makes this movie excellent. Continue reading

Midnight in Paris

Time for the Oscars means it is time for this Drunken Movie Critic to go see some movies!! Some are good (artsy, well-written, soul-crushing), and others are awful beyond all reason (the make-up artists and tech-geeks need a category, too).

All this searching through Academy Award Nominations brought me to a name I had not heard in a few years. Woody Allen. Now, it is not that Mr. Allen has been slacking, quite the contrary, it seems that every year he writes a new movie. I guess this is the first Woody Allen movie since 2008 that anyone has told me to care about. So long, Vicky Christina Barcelona.

Midnight in Paris takes us away from the streets of Allen’s typical NYC backdrop and follows screenwriter Gil (Owen Wilson), who is on sabbatical with his girlfriend Inez (Rachel McAdams) and her family. Frustrated with his girlfriend and her uppity, pretentious friends, he longs for the Paris of the 1920’s, when the Moulin Rouge was thumping, when artists like Picasso mingled with Hemmingway and T.S. Eliot; they gathered together to share ideas and foster creativity. Gil wanders the gorgeous Parisian streets, searching for inspiration when then clock strikes midnight and, next thing you know, he gets into a car and is transported to the 1920s. Continue reading

50/50

I have to say, even though I love the entire cast, I have avoided watching 50/50 for the sole reason that for most of my nursing career, I have performed spinal surgery.

In 50/50 Adam (Joeseph Gordon Levitt) goes in to have his back pain checked out and is surprised to learn he has a malignant nerve sheath tumor. This story loosely follows the real experiences of the film’s writer Will Reiser, a 27-year-old whose life changes drastically with this grim prognosis. How do you move forward when the future is unclear? How can you be strong when everyone assumes you are weak…especially when you are riddled with cancer and poisonous chemotherapy? How can you take this story and make it a comedy?

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Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

Is it possible to write a love note to 9-11?  To love that this American tragedy can paint the perfect back-drop for a movie seemed to be the over-arching theme to the film Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close, an adaptation of the book written by Jonathan Safran Foer.

The story follows Oskar Schell, a young boy whose father died in Tower One on Sept 11th 2001. Oskar finds a key, accepts that it was left as a clue by his father, and starts a journey across the five boroughs to search for the lock it opens.

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Drunken Movie Critic: The Descendants

I was tricked into seeing this movie. It was a dark and stormy night and my friend suggested the cinema. While my heart was set on The Muppet Movie, after watching the trailer for The Descendants, I could not say no to some late night George Clooney.

The Descendants is a movie about loss, love and grief. After a tragic accident, Matt King (George Clooney) tries to bring his family together. He has to rally his distant relations to agree on a land development deal, and he has to help his daughters face the loss of their mother.

Along the backdrop of beautiful Hawai’i, this funny, painful, gut-wrenching movie explores the dynamics of family, fidelity and how to finally tell someone how you feel. Ugh. I don’t think I am quite doing it justice, but that is because I do not want to give everything away. Secrets, lies, deception, crying, love, family, death, land barons. Intrigued, yet?

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Drunken Movie Critic: The Troll Hunter (Trolljegeren)

This movie is totally unexpected in all the right ways.

Netflix recommended Trolljegeren to me, and for a long time I ignored it. This was the same system that told me to watch Patrice O’Neal based on my review of Boys Don’t Cry, so I have never given it much credit. Well, 6 beers later and nothing striking my fancy, The Troll Hunter became an option.

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Drunken Movie Critic: X-Men: First Class

Oh, summer movies…you are often exactly what I expect.

At the bequest of a friend, I manned-up and soberly went to an afternoon viewing of what I thought would be a horribly inaccurate account of the creation of the first team of X-Men or the Brotherhood of Mutants, you know, something that would send my nerd gene into overload. I was not disappointed.

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The Drunken Movie Critic: Tangled

Gone. Dashed are the dreams I once had of voicing a character in a Disney movie. At first it was because, with the invention of Pixar, animated movies stopped being musicals, but now it is because the term ‘voice actor’ has been replaced with ‘any actor — hopefully famous, singing skills not required’. So, while I have what I choose to describe as a classically Disney Princess singing voice, I can never show it to the world unless I am cast to be the singing voice while Angelina Jolie speaks the role.

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The Drunken Movie Critic: The Green Hornet

I will start by saying that I did not know this movie was co-written by Seth Rogen, but I think that I liked it more because of this.

This is the film adaptation of a long running 1940s-ish radio show about the heir to a fortune, Brit Reid, becoming a masked vigilante with his super-awesome side kick Kato. From the very first scene, I knew that this movie did not take itself seriously. In fact, if you were looking for a super-hero creationist type movie a la Spiderman or Batman Begins, well, then, you are going to want to stab yourself in the face within the first 7 minutes. This whole movie is kind of childish, tongue-in-cheek and, well, stupid, but in a good way. Disco Santa? Double-barreled gun? Hard to pronounce names? Totally batmobiled cars? Sure, what the hell, Green Hornet, go for it. I actually think this movie would have been a thousand times better if I actually had smuggled in wine.

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The Drunken Movie Critic: The Fighter

The shirtless Mark Wahlberg got me to the movie, but the cracked out Christian Bale made me stay for the movie.

The Fighter is a movie “based on the true story” of Micky and Dicky- two boxing brothers. Dicky fought and beat Sugar Ray Leonard in the 80s but is now a crackhead, in and out of jail, being mischievous etc.  Micky is the younger brother who is trying to be a title contender instead of a stepping stone. With the help of his white-trash family, the love of a good woman and a little luck, Micky might just make it.

While watching this movie, I forgot that Mark Wahlberg is not a very good actor. With those hang-dog eyes and those abs I just want to rub up against, sometimes I forget that he plays the same slightly damaged bad-boy character every movie. But he does play it well, you know, mainly because he doesn’t have to act.

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The Drunken Movie Critic: TRON Legacy

Okay, so I should go ahead and come clean that I have not seen the 1st TRON. A reliable source told me that I did not need a working knowledge of plot to enjoy this movie, and thankfully, he was right. For what I expected — a shallow good time, lots of lights and explosions and pretty people to keep me entertained — you nailed it.

If you go in expecting anything more than Hollywood glitz, well, then you lose. Loud motorcycles, weak plot points, fancy costumes…they only get you so far. While the film paid for it’s ticket price with the expected amount of drama-laced action, it was not that great.

Notice how many times I have used the word “expected”? Yeah…any movie that I fell panders to me or I feel I could have written…it is more often than not, garbage. This was pretty, recycled garbage that smelled kind of like Indian food…but it was still garbage.

I must also add that I made the mistake of seeing this movie COMPLETELY SOBER. [Editor’s note: Fire Funny Nurse.]

Olivia Wilde- I barely recognized you, but that says more to the costume designers than it does to you acting talent.

Jeff Bridges- wow, dude, this was Lebowski with Lasers.

Overall Grade- 62%

The Drunken Movie Critic: True Grit

I understand that this is a remake of a movie that is based on a book, but truly, anything that the Coen Brothers touch turns to gold.  Other than the overly loud trailer that I have seen at every film for the past 3 weeks, I knew very little about this film. I resisted the urge to google the hell out of this and ruin it for myself, and thank god, because this movie, like the revenge it is based on, is best served cold. I am not sure that last sentence makes as much sense as I wish it did…

The story follows young Maddie Ross as she pairs up with two unlikely men in pursuit of her father’s killer.

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The Drunken Movie Critic: Unstoppable

My dad loves trains. For reals, America. He collects them, he designs tracks, he buys little tank engines. If he saw this movie, he would weep like a little girl who lost her dolly. And that pisses me off.

I often, being uneducated in the ways of Hollywood, wonder who in the douche approves movies? Some CEO/producer something something. I only ask because I want to know how to address my pipe bomb. Kidding, FBI, only kidding.

Only I am not kidding.

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The Drunken Movie Critic: The Tourist

Oh my, where to begin with this steaming pile of cinematic garbage.

Okay, maybe that is a little bit harsh. The movie was well worth the $5 matinee price I paid and kept me away from my roommate’s asshole boyfriend for 2 solid hours, and that may be its only saving grace.

I knew from the previews that this was going to be a long.

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