Here we go again, world, another episode of Glee. Strap yourself in for the 42 minute follow-up of last week’s “cliff hanger” Did New Directions win Sectionals? Will we ever get to see Sue’s retarded baby? Also, is Marley alive?
These questions and better ones will be answered tonight as we sit down with one of Glee‘s writers.
Spoiler Alert: New Directions lost Sectionals. What does this mean, because after a few minutes of explanation and four years of watching this show, I still don’t really know how this works.
Well thank you again for having me back. The loss at Sectionals, was I’ll admit, fairly confusing. Several of us actually wondered whether we had blanked out on Klonopin and skipped a whole episode. But nope…just no transition was written. Oops! Sectionals is the competition for just the town of Lima, Ohio — a town disproportionately filled with professional choir groups, racist/ironic choir groups, and everything in between. Regionals is sort of the greater Ohio area. Then obviously at the end we have Nationals. I’m sure we’ll find a way to write in our Glee crew somehow making it onward in the competition. It’ll involve a plot thread connecting Sue’s retarded baby, Mr. Schue’s government job, and the bath house circuit (which is totes a thing).
Wait, I just realized Brody was conspicuously absent from class. I wonder what he was up to. Anyway, and you know this is just one of those quirks of producing a television show, but I didn’t even realize her last name was July. You learn something everyday. What’s most amazing about Rachel’s NYADA experience is that she has just that one class and one teacher. I bet you didn’t realize that’s how performing arts colleges work. No, she doesn’t take singing classes. That’s what Autotune is for! Jokes…sort of. Say, did you think her two solos (more on that in a bit) sounded lovely or grossly overproduced and grating?
For the Winter Formal Competition…whatever that is…Guinan speaks of drama and dance and music as art. Do you think the actors of Glee consider themselves artists?
I mean, did you not hear Kurt’s amazing rendition of…um…wait it’s coming to me…that song…where his voice was totally beautiful and not the sound of a peacock sitting on a frozen bottle of antifreeze. Some actors with success early in life take time off to attend college, recollect themselves, and develop in private as an actor. Some actors.
Yah I know. We need to get Marley’s field plowed before she is of consenting age, because otherwise… because otherwise. So Trouty Mouth. He went away for a while. I can’t remember why. He was liked, is pretty, and his voice is not horrific. But for reasons that currently escape me, he had to go last season. Then we brought him back, because he was poor. Then he wasn’t poor anymore, and he dated Mercedes. But really, who else could he land with besides the other blonde — Brittany?
Why, for the love of all that is holy, could you explain why Rachel Berry had to sing two songs in a row? It seemed endless. I believe that combined the songs only had 14 words total, but Rachel just screamed them all. Screamed. So much awful, gape-mouthed lip-syncing. So, why two songs? Why did you have to punish America?
After the genius inclusion of All That Jazz — a song you probably were shocked to learn we had held back on all these years — we realized we had a tremendous opportunity to
give Lea Michelle her contractually-obligated overproduced, shrill, double solo highlight Lea Michelle’s glorious voice. We also realized we could insert the heretofore unknown (and never to be mentioned again, natch) character “Alexandra Pachooskie,” and continue the slow, inevitable, misplaced inclusion of Shangela. Then we were like, “how can we possibly top having an established Jewish character belting out her ‘favorite’ Christmas song? Duh! Slow-motion + Tears For Fears. It always works!” Always!