True Blood: Season 5, Episode 12 – Finale, Save Yourself

Did someone say something about tying up loose ends as quickly as possible? Goodbye, Russell Edgington. You were surely the funnest villain in recent memory on True Blood. Well, Michelle Forbes was maybe more exciting. You were up there, though. I kind of wanted Russell to eat all of the fairies. All of them.

And while I’m making requests, let’s petition for Stephen Moyer to be staked. You read that right.

Has the Fae community been in Bon Temps this entire time? They made a point of naming the town. I had always imagined the Fae realm existed in a different reality altogether, and portals could be opened into Bon Temps for easy travel. No, it’s literally a place in the woods that’s basically invisible unless you are a fairy. And has Sookie always smelled irresistible? Vampires lately seem to be able to smell her instantly. I must have missed that for four seasons. It took me three scenes before I realized Jason was hallucinating his parents. I just assumed I took a sip of wine and missed the introduction of yet more characters.

Tripping Balls?

When I pointed this out to my husband, he replied, “yah because he was hit with a fairy blast…or a vampire…something.” MAKES SENSE.

Who is left in the Authority at this point? Bill, Salome, and the redhead lady. Oh and Lilith. And a cage or two full of naked human food. I love that Russell and Newlin already had a photo printed and framed with their pet wolf baby. Even though we have a scene where Bill yells at his vampire guards for not sniffing out the shifters, a shifter impersonates a vampire right under their literal noses. No, OK, Eric and Nora are still apparently considered chancellors of the Authority. Ugh, this whole subplot revolves around a vial of ancient vampire blood/drugs. That thing that they apparently always kept in reverence at the Authority…yet never treated religiously until now. It just makes no sense. The vampires have a holy grail…that they have had in their possession all along. I give up.

Tripping Balls?

The moment where Sam shifts back to human form while inside the redhead vampire, true deathing her, forgives all.

“Must all roads lead to fucking Sookie?”

Oh, Pam. They do, Pam. They do.

The werewolf scenes. Force-feeding vampire blood. Over the top acting. An aged Terminator. Alcide with his shirt on. I just…I just don’t know. I yelled at my husband, “who is this woman?” “That lady he fucked early in the season and said he’d fight for but then just left.” “Oh.” Then more werewolf woodsy fighting. This time with a giant bow and arrow! But no werewolf transformations. You know, because the werewolves do all official werewolf business in human form.

Lafayette, Arlene, and Holly all share a giant cocktail in the middle of the day in the back of Merlotte’s, because. Because why not? Their boss has been gone for who knows how long (no seriously, no one knows…a week…a day…a fairy week?), and it’s not like they have anything left in their subplots. We get a “ahhhh! my light broke” moment. Because yes. Yes, that fairy’s “light” broke. Best of all, the aforementioned three plus Mrs. Boathouse gawk at the “alien” giving birth on a pool table, glass exploding and all! “I have no idea what’s happening,” Mrs. Boathouse gleefully exclaims.

Tripping Balls?

I’m so glad they brought this actress out of retirement for the finale.

The ridiculousness of the mass true deathing that occurs in the Authority at the end of the episode deserves its own section. Nora slow-yet-fast descending from the ceiling whilst staking vampire guards was particularly fun, as was Jason shooting at piles of vampire corpses with reckless abandon. Oh, and as was Tara and Pam finally fulfilling everyone’s slash fantasies! Obviously we needed a scene where the series’ biggest stars all talk it out. You know, who’s right and who’s wrong. Who can be forgiven. It’s exactly what watchers want? Minutes upon dreadful minutes of dreadful dialogue. Couldn’t Eric have just restrained Bill, since he’s way older and thus more powerful? No, because we needed the moment of someone finally drinking all of Lilith’s blood. I’ll admit I did have a smidgen of hope that Bill was really, truly, absolutely gone.

Tripping Balls?

Sadly, no. That happened. As did the horrible cover of that Stabbing Westward song.

Until next season!

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