It’s the second to last episode of another season of True Blood, which means every new character and plotline that haven’t already been called off must be crammed into as few minutes of onscreen time as possible.
Let’s list all of the ball-trippingest new elements we are hoping are never mentioned again:
Let’s discuss Lilith. First of all, that little vial is all that’s left of her blood? Or it’s just a single vial among many? Wouldn’t it have run out long long ago? Are the vampires actually seeing a physical being? I greatly hope so because if not, good lord is this a boring subplot. The vampires drug out and hallucinate. OK? The amount of screen time spent on the various season 5-specific characters is frankly egregious. Do we really need scenes between only Salome and Nora? And if Russel really is just running around eating humans willy nilly, how is that defaming their belief system? It seemed like his only dispute with the Authority was their devotion to specifically Lilith. Beyond that he basically agrees with them. What exactly is “Lilith’s way” other than treating humans as food?
You and I both know that the Authority has commandeered more than just my balls.
Ugh, I absolutely could not stand the scene between Jessica and Bill where she tried to argue that making Jason a vampire would be good for everyone. He calls her out on trying to pull a fast one on him. Um…Bill’s smart? I’m not even going to address his new-found and completely devoted belief in Lilith [WHATEVER THAT MEANS]. I’m just saying, how did his character grow so much that he is able to root out the minuscule semblance of deception on Jessica’s part? I want Jessica to slit Bill’s throat so bad.
Bill is so far beyond making any sense that I am out of ball metaphors.
No time to think about that — Eric fucks Nora! Melancholily! Seeing your maker gutted = turning back to good. Or bad? Or, um, something. Nora/Eric’s back. To…well, they’re back.
My balls forgive this scene because Eric is back, but Nora is in it, so maybe a half ballsack.
I realize sets are expensive, but do the Fae have to exist exclusively in the Moulin Rouge nightclub? Like, there literally isn’t a Fae outdoors, anywhere. At the beginning of the last season Sookie stepped in the Fae dimension for what seemed like a few minutes [outside sets and all] yet transpired many months in the real world. Why has the time dilation not only not occurred yet not even been mentioned? Maybe just a throwaway line somewhere about how time travels normally in such and such part of the Fae domain, but not Moulin Rouge. This isn’t hard. To make matters worth, Melora exhibits a sped up pregnancy while in the Fae realm. She tries to explain this to Sheriff Bellefleur, and if you weren’t paying attention you may have missed it, but she actually explained it in reverse. When Sookie was gone last season, to Jason and the rest of Bon Temps it seemed like months, yet to her it was a very short time. So if Melora experienced her pregnancy in the Fae realm, that means she would have barely advanced in the real world. Aww, whatever, fuck it!
The scene at the beginning of season 4 where Sookie runs from fairies shooting microwave finger blasts at her was the inspiration for this tripping balls system. So yah. I was tripping balls with the fairy birth scene.
When the dude from the US military confronts the Sanguinista Authority panel, they suggest he get with the program. Get with…being food for vampires. What…does that mean? Become vampires themselves? But then there would be no food. As the dude suggests, I have no doubt that the government has been sitting on some serious weapons of vampire mass destruction. Like, and I’m just brainstorming here, ultraviolet bombs. Stake shrapnel bombs. Silver mist bombs. Really just strap an anti-vampire material to a bomb. And then Eric kills him! Who are we rooting for? Is Eric covering for a later betrayal? Bill is just a bad guy now. Not an interesting one. Just a bad guy. Ugh, True Blood.
Made no freaking balls sense!
I don’t know why, and maybe it’s just the emotions involved, but should Jason and Jessica just permanently team up to fight crime and bullshit in equal parts? Imagine the spin-off possibilities.
Is it even worth talking about the Fae “elder?” I think the absurdly low-budget effects used to signal her entrance on the Moulin Rouge stage was just so…credible! Jokes. The Boyz II Men reference was nothing but not foreboding. It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday. And not that anyone is taking score, but I definitely called it on the Jason getting glamored on purpose front. The Fae all hilariously decide to stand scared rather than just shoot Russell uncontrollably at the end. Because.
One ball point for forcing in yet another random fairy character.
Alcide chops wood shirtless. There was no other way to do either of those things.
Alcide fought babyvamps in human form. There was no other way to do that.
“You never know when some Iraqi ghost lady is going to attack your family.”
This was actually spoken out loud on an American television program of some critical acclaim.
Is everyone in the Authority just under some random blood born drug? Oh, ooh! Planted by the US government?!? I just wrote a better plot than the high paid writers of True Blood.