True Blood: Season 5, Episode 10 – Gone, Gone, Gone

In the “previously on True Blood” segment my husband takes time to point out just how overpowered the vampires are in this universe. Can the werewolves, shifters, slutty faeries, or whatever Lafayette is ever truly compete? I don’t know if anyone else recognizes the character actor Sookie chopsticks to death in the intro, but I will always remember him as the lovable Phlox on Enterprise. Live long and prosper. I love how Sookie is so used to piles of blood in her home that she doesn’t bother to clean it up. Point of order: is it illegal [from the humans’ perspective] for a vampire to turn a human? We can assume not, since there’s not been a mention of any sort of investigation into who bit whom.

Blergh! Let’s discuss the rest of this bloody mess of an episode in true Am I tripping balls fashion…

There are only FIVE True Blood plants? I mean I suppose no number would really matter, since it’s probably super easy for vampires to blow up one plant.

Tripping Balls?

Zilch balls.

Finally we get to see the autostake device put to use; I’m saddened only that the girl from Waterworld was its victim. Nonetheless, we have one less random character to contend with. Clearly, as this season comes to an end, we will merge and/or kill off the varying plots and character arcs. Hey wait…why does Eric get off the hook when she does not? The girl from Waterworld gets basically no trial, whereas Eric gets free drugs!

Tripping Balls?

Can’t concentrate…high on Lilith blood.

Wouldn’t it have made sense for Hoyt’s mother to turn out to be Dragon? She’s always been anti-vampire, and it would have not required the invention of yet another character. It’s a little odd that the episode immediately following the one where Dragon is taken care of, Mrs. Fortenberry returns. I kind of think they were the same person?

Tripping Balls?

No time to think about balls…too busy tying up loose plotlines.

Tara’s eye makeup was OUT OF CONTROL. Just saying.

No ball points.

I’m glad to see Godric back, however brief it may have been. Did he outgrow his hair?

Ditto.

At one point my husband coyly asks, “did they eat that baby…the puppy?” He said it in such a, “should we get rid of more characters? we should probably get rid of more characters,” sort of way. Yes.

Tripping Balls?

I WISH!

The hog-bitten faced Hoyt and Jessica / Jason scene in the booth at Merlot’s…yikes that was hard to watch. After all of this Hoyt can’t really ever go back. It probably would be for the best if Jessica made him forget every bad thing that happened to him. It would take years of therapy for a normal person to move on from all this shit. This is probably the classiest exit of any character on True Blood. No transmutation into another being. No violent bloody death. No transition to another reality. Just forget this awful place and all of the awful things that happened to you. Start again, and be happy. We’ll remember you as you used to be, Hoyt Fortenberry.

Tripping Balls?

Surprisingly not. One of the few classy endings for a character.

The absolute worst dialogue was when Luna and Sam are trying to meet up with Steve Newlin, who presumably hasn’t yet eaten her daughter/puppy. “Wait, 8pm? New Orleans is 5 hours away from here. We’ll never make it,” Luna exclaims! “Hmm, not if I use my credit card miles,” Sam replies! Wait, what? First of all, the life of Luna’s daughter is at stake. They couldn’t dip into their savings to buy the plane tickets? It had to be promotional airline miles. And wait, can’t they turn into almost any animal? Could they maybe, I don’t know, turn into flies and just fly into the cargo hold of the plane in question…for…wait for it…FREE? So many wasted opportunities. There’s a joke in there about a bird striking a plane, but I’m too lazy to make the connection.

Tripping Balls?

Holy fuckballs did this make no sense.

And side note, I love how all of the lesser-known actors and actresses clearly couldn’t negotiate “no nudity” clauses in their contracts, as evidenced by Sam never showing more than pubes yet Luna’s boobs will haunt my nightmares for all eternity.

Tripping Balls?

It’s pretty much given at this point.

Jessica is Facetime-maker-commanded by Bill to go with his lesbian assault force team. She questions the validity of this but must comply, as per vampire rules. Yet, she still makes it a point to shuffle over to her crummy flip-flops and put them on with the full force of her Mellenial angst. “Ugh, I’ll do what you say, but I am not going to protect my toes from pathogens.”

Tripping Balls?

Jessica has that rare ability to both trip and yet pick me up off my balls.

The Authority headquarters we are to believe dates back to the Byzantium period. So it was moved here? To New Orleans? Or it was always in this location, and New Orleans just happened to coalesce around it? Stephen Moyer is just such a terrible actor. His suppose explanation to Jessica of how amazing Lilith is…wow was that terrible or what? His character is the least sincere.

Tripping Balls?

I don’t know if vampires have balls (I assume they do), but Bill has gone past tripping his balls and is now tripping everyone else’s.

As a North Carolinian I appreciated the comparison between the Wright Brothers’ historic first flight (suck it, Ohio) and Russell’s first experience drinking faerie blood and daywalking.

Tripping Balls?

No, this was nice.

I don’t even know if it’s worth discussing the absurd faerie contract that will obviously collide with the Authority subplot in the next episode. Sookie is afraid of this yet to be seen super vampire to whom apparently her forebearer promised her to. OK. She was concerned enough before that reveal. What does this contract add that couldn’t be included in a throwaway bit of dialogue. “Your great-great-great-grand father promised you to me.” Boom, I just saved us another Moulin Rouge scene.

Tripping Balls?

Who knows really? The Fae could be described as nothing but a hot ballsy mess.

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