True Blood: Season 5, Episode 9 – Everybody Wants to Rule the World

Ugh, the Authority. More of the Authority. Didn’t have enough I suppose! As the “previously on” segment reminds us, we’ve spent way too much True Blood time on the relationship between Eric and his apparent vampire sister — whose name does actually escape me at the moment. What about more time spent on Eric’s relationship with Pam? Are Eric and Bill still technically prisoners? Yes and no? I lament the decision to focus this season around the inner workings of vampire politics and religion. But then wow, a very rare full frontal male nudity! I’m very surprised. I thought this was Blood and Booby Hour.

Tripping Balls?


“Creepy spirit thing, why are you in Sookie’s bathroom?” If you don’t love that line you are not alive. Or not undead. Or, you know what I meant. Let’s just ignore how Lafayette is now apparently completely emotionally healed as a result of going to Mexico (?) and having his lips sewn up. And some guy getting stabbed. Because. I would watch a webisode series based on his eyelashes. I would. “Dead folk, why you gotta be so cryptic?” Another great one.

Tripping Balls?

The balls are unsewn and hanging free. 

When Jason asks, surprised, if Hoyt is with the hate group he says, “Hoyt’s an Obama?” I just love that. Why is there not more of this writing? Is there like a single writer able to craft clever lines with comic timing? So Jessica clearly still has full security, run of Bill’s mansion, and presumably the other perks that come with being the King’s progeny. Wait wait wait. Bill is still the King? He hasn’t come back since he left for the Authority, granted, but did no one at the mansion ask where he was? It never came up, I’m assuming.

Tripping Balls?

Ehh, I’m not going to push it…just glad the “Obama” subplot has been wrapped up. 

Is anyone else hoping Luna dies? Let’s imagine how it happens. She…transforms into a gerbil and is shoved up Russell’s anus. She…transforms into a goldfish and forgets where she is. She…probably just gets shot again as a human since nothing interesting will happen with this subplot. It’s very obvious this show is low budget, never more so whenever a shifter needs to transition from human to animal. They don’t always need to walk swiftly into the other room while unbottoning their shirts. WE GET IT. Shifters can’t keep their clothes on because that’s sexier…dyah I mean animals don’t wear clothes. But what about when they turn into small things, like snakes and flies? Can’t they just shrink and remain clothed? When Sam shifts from a pig back to Sam to fight the “Obamas” WHY DOESN’T HE SHIFT INTO A BEAR??? The naked 1 vs. 6 fight scene made no sense whatsoever. And were the pigs going to eat Sookie and Hoyt? How and why this would occur is never adequately explained. Were those pig bites on Hoyt’s face!?! WHY IS LUNA UNCONCERNED ABOUT THE WHEREABOUTS OF HER DAUGHTER?!?!?!? And then Russel gives her daughter to Newlin as a pet! And no one thinks to turn into a werewolf to try and overpower the two vampires! I just…I just can’t deal with this right now. I need to go find some ginger ale.

Tripping Balls?

Don’t mind me, I’m just shifting into a giant ball sac right now!

So this whole True Blood bombing campaign. They want us to believe it. Granted, the loss of the fake blood beverage would indeed force vampires to drink human blood, and since humans now know vampires exist, that would be scary. But it wouldn’t be a “blood bath.” There aren’t exponentially more vampires now then there were a few years ago, before True Blood existed. They will do what they always did: discretely feed, as Pam pointed out. Yet the True Blood offensive is presented as some sort of crisis of epic proportions. Worst of all, we didn’t even get to see the factory assault!

Tripping Balls?

A major plot ball hole…not that it’s alone.

Not that I don’t appreciate the dominatrix-cum-geisha outfits, but where are Pam’s other usually inventive looks? She’s the lady who brought us matching pajama sets.

Tripping Balls?

No ball-points, just saying. 

Well wasn’t that a lovely werewolf flashpack (see what I did ther?) scene with the T-1000 terminator helping son Alcide, his slutty friend Debbie (good old Debbie!), and some other white trash transition into adulthood. Adult, um, animalhood. Animadulthood. Whatever. The point is that all I could think about the whole scene was 1) I hope Alcide swerves off a cliff in a fit of grief and/or accidentally runs over an extraneous character and 2) Who was that shirtless kid? He was totally consenting age.

Tripping Balls?

I’m starting to think Alcide literally is tripping.

Good lord are we still talking about this Terry + Noel from Felicity + Smoke Monster business? Why did it take Terry all day to get to Merlotte’s? Probably just to advance the daylight hours so that we could do fun vampire stuff. Wow, Noel from Felicity is pretty strong even after being stabbed in the neck — that place with nerves and vertebrae and major blood vessels. I’m sure it’s fine. Totally fine. Just a giant knife wound. Keep fighting!

Tripping Balls?

Good ball-riddance, Ifrit subplot!



4 thoughts on “True Blood: Season 5, Episode 9 – Everybody Wants to Rule the World

  1. Hi! This is my 1st comment here so I just wanted to give
    a quick shout out and say I truly enjoy reading your posts.
    Can you suggest any other blogs/websites/forums
    that deal with the same topics? Thank you so much!

  2. Anonymous says:

    Thematically, it could be referencing the power struggle within the authority or how vampires want to rule the world. Then, because the writers are douchey Hollywood types, they simply wanted to pick the most obscure Indie band they could find. By choosing a lame cover by a nobody, the producers think this makes then cool and interesting. Nobody tell them that it doesn’t.

  3. Anonymous says:

    I am so glad that I get to drop some knowledge!!
    The title of every episode is actually the name of the song that plays at the end of the episode. A lot of times it is a cover (like the Weeds intro song). For example, the song “Everybody wants to rule the world” is obviously by Tears for Fears, but at the end of the episode, it is sung by the never before heard of, curiously named band Care Bears on Fire. for more info on the music from True Blood, visit

    • Jerch says:

      Thanks! This answers the literal “what” of my last remark but doesn’t address the caps lock and expletive portions. Care to elaborate on the appropriateness of this particular cover in the episode?

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