True Blood: Season 5, Episode 8 – Somebody That I Used To Know

“For the first time in a decade I ate a child!” I have to say that I just love everything about the Authority vampires getting high and indulging on humans. “I need a baby. Lilith wants me to eat a baby.”

But I know you too well, True Blood, you’ll take this glorious campy violence and ruin it with melodrama and plot twists. And sure enough, Bill switches back to reason with little more than a glance from Eric. Are we supposed to like Bill? We see him in flashback letting his daughter die rather than vampirify her. Does he ever try not to be evil? Not that it matters, since he changes motivations seriously multiple times per episode.

Which brings us to the weekly “Am I tripping balls?” segment of this recap…

I love how Luna’s plan was to “get rid of them before they get rid of us.” Which is to say, supernatural beings should methodically hunt down normal humans. That’ll totally cut down on the hatred. But no time to think about that! Luna is apparently now able to shift into other people, an ability we’ve previously seen only when one shifter kills another. Or something like that. Right? Ain’t nobody got time to look up that shit! When I posed the same question to my husband he responded, “Good question, but who cares about this character they made up last season?” I do care a little, but only after she transformed into Sam, specifically. We were THIS close to seeing him make out with himself, but then Luna had to puke herself back into existence.

Tripping Balls?

I’m just as amazed at the rest of you that Sam’s storyline is amongst the most ball-trippiest of the season. He sort of isn’t terrible?

Sookie microwave fingers Jason, causing him to fly backwards, and when he gets up he says, “Don’t worry; you got me in the head.” I love Jason Stackhouse when the writers don’t try to give him a purpose other than being an adorable sack of abs and frosted tips. No more, no less. Why exactly are the faeries so reticent to talk about vampires? Sure, they came to the Moulin Rouge to get away from them, but never to speak about them again? All these mentions of Claudine made me question who she was, and why they couldn’t just go ask who who the vampire killer was. Then I remembered Eric ate her. So what are we to make of the vampire that killed the Stackhouse parents? That he’s going to be yet another altogether unseen but apparently super important being? That we don’t care about unless he has serious magical powers and/or kills countless humans? He’s a faeire vampire?

Tripping Balls?

It’s like I’ve been run over by a truck made entirely of balls.

Alcide’s butt! Animalistic sex sounds! Yes! Mercifully short werewolf scene! Sigh, then we have a scene where apparently Alcide was going to race for Pack Master Status (TM), but then a high school track star got involved…because werewolves apparently hunt humans now…and he refuses…but then fights the other werewolf anyway? It seemed little more than an excuse to get werewolves to fight with each other. But then not only do they not fight in werewolf form, when the evil werewolf goes to finish Alcide off, he uses a rock! A rock! “Grrr, I’m the best Pack Master (TM) ever! Grrr, take this rock!”

Tripping Balls?

Alcide’s butt can’t disentangle what is otherwise the most useless segment of the True Blood universe – wereballs.

How exactly did Hoyt’s band of misfits silver Jessica? No matter. I refuse to pay attention to this subplot until she invariably comes back to rip their balls off. And then sure enough!

Tripping Balls?

Would have been a full 2-baller had she literally ripped some balls off.

I really cannot get over Lafeyette’s lips. They seriously filmed his lips getting unsewn. That happened. I was scarred. I still don’t even know what the point of him going wherever it was he went. Was it New Mexico? Mexico? I need him to get his mojo back. Jesus’ appearance in the car was apparently meant to signify that, as when his subplot is jammed up against the smoke monster subplot, he throws some serious shade in every subsequent scene. Chew up those scenes girl!

Tripping Balls?

No, but that doesn’t diminish how great Lafayette’s return to form us — a welcome change, ironically.

Why is the “white trash fucktwad” at Fangtasia, a bar for vampires and vampire-lovers? Not that I am ever going to complain about Pam, but why is Tara not allowed to be bitchy with bitchy customers? It’s a bar. You come and and act a fool, the bartender is allowed to talk shit. Plus, would a human — even one with a garage — so openly threaten a vampire? Good Lilith does Pam get all the good lines! “You don’t know me very well. My happy face and my angry face are the same.” Remember when Fangtasia’s dungeon was the scariest thing? Now it’s some kind of lesbian pleasure palace.

Tripping Balls?

Do I even have to answer that ques…[just then, a giant horde of balls ransacks the By That You Mean offices, pleading with them to just…make…it…stop.]

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