True Blood: Season 5, Episode 7

In typical True Blood form, this episode opens with an interesting if entirely confusing scene, immediately following Chris Meloni’s death. There is some business with light (UV light?), darkness (safe?), a “protocol,” and the [human] vampire guards. I was super confused and had to watch it again. Was the protocol activated automatically, and if so how? By the staking? There was a brief countdown during which it appeared the Authority people knew to crouch down. Was the light horizontal? I’m confused how crouching in place was helpful to them. Wouldn’t Russell figure that out and do the same thing? It’s been made abundantly clear that he’s supremely powerful, yet he’s caught by a silver net fired from a single [human?] guard.

But then at the end of the episode, right before all of the vampires meth out on Lilith’s blood, it seems like just anyone who’s in the building gets to be in the room with Russell. So they’re all in on it? But then why did the guards freak out and net Russell, seemingly at their command? OK, so they weren’t all in on it initially, but now they are? Or they might be, and this is their time to take a stand? Did Salome have one-on-ones with all of them in scenes we missed? I really do feel like the writers are dicking with us at this point, but we always forgive them because they pepper insane violence here and there.

In case you can’t already tell, watching this episode made me super trip balls

True Blood writers, I can’t stay mad at you! Immediately following the beginning’s bizarrely confusing scene, we’re back with Sookie, who discovers her powers are finite, and if she overuses them they’ll disappear. I like this conflict. Would Sookie like most to be normal? What cool secondary powers might she develop? This could go places.

Tripping Balls?

Ehh, Sookie’s been on the decline for me for a while. Shooting sparkly light into the sky isn’t going to make me trip balls unless it’s followed immediately by someone getting shot in the face or something.

When did Sam develop the ability to…actually I don’t quite know how to qualify this “ability” if you can call it that. He sniffs and rubs things to learn about them, because he has experience life as a dog? Dogs secretly know how many people recently were in a room, and they’re just not letting us in on this neat trick? Good lord do I not care about Sam.

Tripping Balls?

Ugh. Reluctantly…yes.

Almost as much as I don’t care about Hoyt! Oh Hoyt Fortenberry…whatever happened to you? Remember when you were sweet and fun and trustworthy? He’s been hurting from his breakup with Jessica for like, a full season. He went from hooking up with every vampire he could find…to suddenly hating them all…because the masked men true deathed the vampire he had allowed to feed on him. Wait, what? Wouldn’t he be upset with the masked men? Oh I give up.

Tripping Balls?

Hells balls no!

I love how Russell Edgington very clearly does not give a fuck about the vampire religion. His mouth says, “yes, yes…hail Lilith,” but his eyes say, “I can’t wait to get my teeth on some juicy nuns and babies!”

Tripping Balls?

Obviously!

Who is this trollop Alcide is trying to hump in this barn? I literally don’t remember anything about her other than that she’s apparently a werewolf. Wasn’t he trying to shack up with Sookie like two nights ago?

Tripping Balls?

My gosh do the writers no longer care about keeping Alcide’s storylines within the realm of logical coherence. If he were any less boring I might muster a half ball trip.

If my crazy husband came home ranting about a shady sounding smoke monster chasing him around, and I happened to have a best friend who practiced witchcraft on weekends, I think maybe my first phone call would have been:

RING RING, RING RING.
“Hey Witch Bitch!”
“Hey Gurl What’s up?”
“Well you know my husband?”
“The guy from Gilmore Girls?”
“Yep, that’s him. Well he came home and told me all about this spiritual smoke thing from Iraq. You heard of that?”
“Well let me just pull out my ENCYCLOPEDIA OF MAGIC.”

Tripping Balls?

More Noel Crane less Zach Van Gerbig.

When did Sookie meet Luna? They’re such good friends that she brings Luna gifts in the hospital. Obviously she showed up as an excuse to talk to Sam about herself.

Tripping Balls?

Nope, balls sucked right back up in there.

And just to throw another log onto the fire, Tara is now apparently pole dancing at Fangtasia. I don’t so much mind since we’re treated to a confrontation with her mom. Personally, I will take any scene involving that woman. I don’t care how bizarre, mundane, or confusing the subplot is…just put that woman in front of the camera! And Pam’s crimped hair…with no explanation. Yes!

Tripping Balls?

Balls turn lesbian for Pam, every time!

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2 thoughts on “True Blood: Season 5, Episode 7

  1. Anonymous says:

    Here are some burning questions.
    1- When will Pam and Tara scissor?
    2- Why don’t I care about any of these plot lines?

    • Anonymous says:

      The scissoring will no doubt be in sped up vampire blurry motion. ZRRHHSZ! And four milliseconds later the scissoring is interrupted by a water demon or something.

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