True Blood Season 5, Episode 6

Finally, vampires fighting werewolves! Sookie microwave fingering Russell! Not to mention Alcide shirtless within the first five minutes. But twist! Bill glamours him into always protecting Sookie whilst simultaneously being disgusted by her.

Ahh, True Blood.

Did we know Sookie could unglamour people, by the way? Apparently Eric didn’t. Or he did and was just having fun? It would have been fun to see Alcide recoil in horror a few more times, but this is True Blood, and plot points must be dismissed as immediately as possible. And let me just say that I do not need yet another scene where Alcide argues with yet another hick would-be pack master. Doesn’t it seem like they are always in a barn or outside surrounded by beat-up cars? They might want to try renting out a bowling alley.

On to the main event: Am I tripping balls?

So Bill and Eric finally found Russell..six episodes later. I feel good about it? The black ops team that retrieved him are obviously in on it, right? Don’t get me wrong; this show would be nothing without the vampire violence, so I’m never disappointed with that. Were the board members drinking sparkling blood? The vintage blood-wine was a nice touch, but would old blood taste good? I’m no vampoenologist. I’m distracting myself from what were several Authority scenes that didn’t make any sense. Chris Meloni is religious but just in a different way than the Sanguinistas? Why is he always asking for loyalty from everyone whilst making “or AM I asking FOR loyalty” eyes? Oh well, I guess we don’t have to worry about that ambiguity anymore.

Tripping Balls?

Poor Chris Maloney. My balls will miss you.

And speaking of poor, aww, Jessica. She’s emotional, reckless, and adorable — a dangerous combination for a vampire. Her fight with Tara could have lasted longer, and her ex-boyfriend dresses ridiculously these days. I love that she vampire-shimmer-sprints over to Hoyt at just the right tense moment in the conversation, even though they are already sitting at the same booth. Vampires!

Tripping Balls?

Meh, she’s had more ballsy episodes.

I’m not exactly sure where Jason’s story is going this season. He covered for Sookie’s murder. Then he reunited with the teacher who probably raped him as a child, imbuing him with a sex addiction. Now he’s reconnecting with his faerie roots and dreaming of his [apparently murdered by vampires] parents. Despite being an officer of the law, we all know it’s not going to be Jason who solves this mystery.

Tripping Balls?

It’s the definition of tripping balls, because none of it makes any sense.

Sam and Luna aren’t dead! I care? I…care. No I don’t care. I’m glad we get more scenes with Crazy Old Gramma Wolf, though. Which, you know, is something. Suddenly Sam has an interest in assisting Sheriff Bellefleur with the investigation. Remember when he killed some people two seasons ago? Remember when he shot is estranged brother? He’s not exactly what I would call reliable. And sure enough he kills the colorful “anti-supes” gun store owner with no remorse. And then Bellefleur thanks him! What’s due process but an excuse not to crossbow people in the heart?

Tripping Balls?

I hate to say it, but Sam’s storyline is slowly inching away from boring as balls to mildly interesting as balls.

Remember when Terry was fun? Sure, there was always a smidgen of PTSD simmering beneath his dopey demeanor, but that’s what we enjoyed watching his exploits. He was a likable weirdo with a big heart and perhaps dark past. Well now we get to see that darkness. Over and over and over again. Out of nowhere he freaks out and jumps out of Noel from Felicity’s truck while they’re driving down a dirt road…apparently so that they could have a scene in the woods, which I definitely tuned out of. Where’s Arlene? Did Terry forget he had children?

Tripping Balls?

Total Iraqi drug-induced hate-crimed up ball tripping!

Alfre Woodard — with her mispronunciation of “Jesus” and casual dropping of “faggots” — is the only redeeming part of the Lafayette subplot. He needs to embrace his warlock ways. Has he looked around lately?

Tripping Balls?

They really want me to trip balls, but I just can’t get into the magic crap. Especially not with Jesus in the picture anymore. Honoraball mention for Alfre, though.

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