True Blood: Season 5, Episode 5 – Let’s Boot and Rally

I would like to know why Sookie doesn’t have a more distinct faerie smell. Does she have special magic deodorant? If so she should talk to her relatives. I would also like to know why we don’t have Ryan Kwanten butt in every episode.

But this is probably asking too much of True Bloodthat show you sometimes watch because it has all those sexy vampires, but then you forget it makes no sense most of the time, and it seems to both jump forward in time yet linger on the same boring plot lines. Then you watch it and realize the smoke monster from Lost is finally getting back into asking and just have to ask yourself:

Am I tripping balls right now?

I did love when Sookie has what amounts to a fan’s epiphany: “Oh, a 3,000 year-old vampire wants to suck my blood? Must be Thursday!” She later points out how Bill’s plan of leaving her outside the insane asylum while he and Eric go hunt down Russell is patently flawed: 1) Her mind-reading and “microwave” fingers will come in handy. Indeed, she started looking for Russell only like, a few hours ago, and already they are here. And she’s not even at her mental best! 2) Leaving her outside an unfamiliar place isn’t exactly a safe strategy. Remember how it’s an insane asylum? And finally, 3) She has to pee. Priorities, people.

Tripping Balls?

I’m gonna have to give a no-balls award to Sookie, who made unusual amounts of sense this week. Where has this Sookie been? And what was Eric and Bill’s plan to take down Russell? Hope he was still injured and could thus be overpowered by them? Sookie’s “microwave” powers were probably their only shot to begin with, and she wasn’t even at full strength! She should hit the bottle more often.

When did Sookie’s last relationship end before she decided to hook up with Alcide? Like a week ago? And how long ago did Alcide break up with Debbie (who was then killed by Sookie…the girl he’s about to fuck), like a week and a half ago? Thank goodness we get some Manganiello shirtlessness right away.

Tripping Balls?

Balls no! If there is Manganiello boobage, I ain’t complaining!

Lafayette’s powers suck. Let’s be honest. He can occasionally manipulate objects with his mind. Sure, that’s a good power to havewhen you can call upon it at whim. Otherwise, he can become possessed by a wandering spirit, which also sort of blows. Oh, and don’t forget how he frequently sees his monster self in a mirror and can apparently now be visited by the severed head of his slain boyfriend. Lovely!

Tripping Balls?

Total balls-out tripping explosion.

Did the guy from Felicity and the guy from Gilmore Girls expect to come upon their former Iraq War comrade-cum-crazy person, and all would be totally fine? He’s, you know, holed up all by himself in the middle of no where: a place that doesn’t breed sanity. Did anyone else love the acting showcased by the guy from Gilmore Girls? To be fair, he was strapped to his chair and couldn’t emote, but there was a lot of “Must…fidget…to…convey…emotion…gyah!” And let’s just say it: they should be punished for killing all these people in Iraq and then setting them on fire to hide the evidence. Am I supposed to feel sorry for these fools? Burn bitch! Bring on the Ifrit, which I’m assuming is some sort of Final Fantasy final boss. Wait, wait, wait…didn’t that slave woman ghost set his house on fire? Why are they suddenly so worried that their crazy friend’s hideaway is going to be consumed by the Ifrit’s supernatural flames? Does it wait until they are together? If he thought it was coming for them all, why did he chain them down?

Tripping Balls?

Two shriveled charred balls are blown away by a passing Persian breeze.

Why is Tara so upset about being a bartender at Fangtasia? It’s the same job she at had Merlotte’s, only now she’s more undead and can wear less clothes. Seems like a win-win. Now she can be friends with Pam and Jessica — the two coolest people in town. Speaking of, it’s good to see the sort of coming out discussion with Jessica, especially to have differing takes on what it means to be a vampire. Let me make this analogy a little more clear: feeding on a human/the shame of doing so = having nonheterosexual sex/the shame of doing so. Allegory! The skanky “what, my blood’s not good enough for you?” Hoyt, presenting his neck, was a nice touch.

Tripping Balls?

Tara’s storyline has the potential to move from balls-tripping territory into balls-loving territory, but only if Pam gets more screen time.

The only thing that matters about the Authority storyline is that it’s bringing back Russell Edgington, although very slowly. It wouldn’t be True Blood without events happening rapidly within the show’s timeline yet super boringly slow in the real world. I’m still not convinced the spy within the organization was the tween vampire. Plus, he added a certain absurdity to an already absurd environment. I miss him. I’m sure he was 300 years old but listened to Taylor Swift not ironically. And can someone please explain what “brother” and “sister” mean in the vampire world? Does that mean you have the same maker? Can you sense when your brother or sister are in dire trouble, similar to how makers can sense their progeny suffering?

Tripping Balls?

The auto-stake on my balls are inching closer and closer to the true death.

What interests me even less is the Shifter plot. It is barely worth mentioning. Possibly the most egregious plot failure is when Sam’s sometimes girlfriend Luna runs out of her house, leaving her child behind, after she hears gunshots. GUNSHOTS. Here is some advice: if you hear gunfire mere feet from your house…call the cops! Or your werewolf friends! Or grab a gun yourself! Or hide with your child!

Tripping Balls?

No balls were hurt in the making of this trip.

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