True Blood: Season 5, Episode 3 – Whatever I Am, You Made Me

“Am I tripping balls?”

That’s what I have to ask myself when I watch True Blood — that sort of sexy, sort of scary, sort of dramatic show everyone you know seems to have watched but would never qualify as a show they loved.

It’s a supernatural soap opera with an effects budget and nudity, really.

This week was not super ball-trippy.

Tara, as a vampire, now has otherworldly sensory perception. It comes in very handy whenever you need to find a possum. She a hot mess. Well technically a cold mess, in that walk-in freezer. Where’s Pam…her maker? If Tara is so anti-vampire that she UV’s herself, may I suggest instead a quick and easy self-staking?

Tripping balls?

yes, but half-balledly

I appreciated the child vampire’s “Since when do we negotiate with apostates?!” line, but oh man do I continue to not care about the Authority. So do Chris Meloni and his fellow “mainstreamers” not believe vampires are god-like and divinely superior to humans? Their chanting and all of the rituals seems to be in contrast to this. The CSI: Vampire Victims Unit scene with the auto-stakers was unnecessarily long and obviously there to set up what I’m sure will be a not tense “oh no my auto-staker is about to auto-stake me” moment in next week’s episode. And the Salome sex scene…gosh did I not need any of that dialogue.

Tripping balls?

balls couldn’t be less turning to dust

Pam’s ultra-rapid texting made Anna Paquin’s overacting almost tolerable. And is Sookie’s fairy secret supposed to be a, um, secret? She probably shouldn’t be blasting Pam in the middle of a vampire and vampire-loving bar. Although, it obviously was an awesome scene. As was the revelation that Eric originally met Bill in Pam’s brothel while they feasted on a whore. Brilliant. Oh, and Lorena’s (Bill’s maker, lest we forget) cameo from beyond the true death was well-placed and fun.

Tripping balls?

too many balls to count

Firestarter 3: The Terry Bellefleur Chronicles continues to lack substantive progress. So far its only purpose has been to give Carrie Preston opportunities to practice crying.

Tripping balls?

balls have recessed back into scrotum

I love Jason, but the teacher from the past who’s back to be seduced by him strikes me as odd for two reasons: 1) Boinking Jessica isn’t satisfying, and/or Jason can’t find anyone else? and 2) His first sexual experience just happens to be in town, now? Why? She’s obviously like a Phoenician mummy or something. At least we got a nearly nude Ryan Kwanten out of it. He’s wearing entirely too many clothes these days.

Tripping balls?

too busy checking for signs of first pubes

Jessica could smell the fairy boy from a few feet away, but she never noticed Sookie having a particular odor? Odd. Is it because Sookie’s not a full-blood fairy? I kind of don’t care because anything having to do with the bonkers fairy storyline is fine with me!

Tripping balls?

potential for serious ball-tripping later

Point of order: Do vampires grow stronger with age, or is there simply a rule where one vampire can’t be stronger than any vampire older than his/herself? If the latter, how does that work? Can Jessica and Russel lift roughly the same amount of weight, throw objects roughly the same distance, and run roughly the same speed? It would seem not. Russel  is just much much stronger than most vampires, seemingly due to his age. Obviously there is a reverence factor going on, as seen with, for example, Godric. But it’s more than that.

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