True Blood has returned for a fifth season, and boy was there a lot of crazy in the premiere episode. I’m sure everyone remembers the fourth season premiere, in which Sookie Stackhouse runs around a literal fairy war, complete with colorful magic explosions and questionable facial makeup. It was quite literally insane. I legitimately wondered whether I was on drugs. And that is why I will be recapping True Blood via a reflexive literary lens I am calling:
Am I tripping balls?
Holy crap the “previously, on True Blood” summarized seriously every single moment from the last season. There was a lot!
Tara was shot in the brains, so she better fucking not turn into a zombie! The actress who portrays her remains in the credits…so I’m gonna assume she turns out not dead! Gosh, sure is lucky that werewolf bitch came at night…when vampires lurk! I love how Pam wears a yellow cat applique Wal-Mart pajama set while being buried in Sookie’s front yard. Sookie reveals she might have had a chance to not kill that werewolf bitch who broke into her house, but she went ahead and shot her in the head anyway. Because she is a werewolf bitch! And Jesus got stabbed like the day before too. What a coincidence!
You bet! But in a good way; this was seriously the singularly interesting thing that happened the entire episode!
I will take half a naked Ryan Kwanten any day! Then he sadly is covered up with a blanket by the newly vampiric, newly gay, previously anti-vampire minister…who comes on to him! Why? Jessica interdicting on his behalf…in a ridiculous slutty Red Riding Hood outfit…was amazing! Jessica then holds an impromptu underage frat party in Bill’s mansion while he’s on the run. That’s what I would do! I’m pretty sure I saw a few of these actresses before on Greek.
Yes, but Jessica saves me one ball.
Sam Trammel facing off against a pack of CGI yellow-eyed werewolves in wolf form before stripping naked and shifting into an eagle was fucking bonkers! Because it was lame! As was his torture scene! I barely remember him interfering with that pack master douche with the pedophile hair last season!
Yes! This was one of the least interesting yet convoluted parts of the complicated plot. Which is saying a lot!
The Authority story line…does anyone care about it? Bill was never among the most interesting True Blood characters, and now he’s somehow sucked Eric into his sphere of boringness. And Eric suddenly has a sister who he is incestuous with! Because! I assume he meant “sister” in some kind of vampire-sister way. And how exactly would Bill and Eric ever think they could pass as another identity? Aren’t they like hundreds and hundreds of years old? Surely other people will recognize them in the world!
Yes, but only over a pair of half-hearted saggy old person balls.
Sheriff Bellefleur and the skanky waitress witch did it in her skanky wood paneled house. Because! Wow, I didn’t need more of this story arc!
When Andy Bellefleur is involved, there is nothing I can’t do besides trip balls.
Noel from Felicity is apparently marine buddies with Zack from Gilmore Girls. Is he a mummy or something because why does this matter? There was a fire. I mean, there was a fire! Firestarters? Because if it’s just arson, I mean, these characters would be better served on other shows!
No! We’ve yet to even hint at where this is going. The list of supernatural beings grows ever shorter too.
Alcide is wearing way way too many clothes! I completely forgot that it was him who poured the concrete for Eric and Bill when they buried Russell Edgington alive. Err, dead. Because for some reason vampires can’t operate heavy machinery? Until these werewolves become anything more than wolves…I will never care about them! Maybe if they were larger than life, Game of Thones style direwolves.
Ugh, you wish. I couldn’t be more bored with Alcide wearing clothing.