We can all agree that the Real Housewives franchise is what many consider to be the greatest achievement of all time. It is, without any doubt, the most watchable, charming, and authentic series of television programs to ever grace the medium. At the apex of this family of programs is of course The Real Housewives of New York City.
Now in its fifth season, RHONYC surrounds an ever-evolving group of upper echelon movers and shakers. These are the people you would never dream of meeting in person — as they are obviously of the highest moral character — and yet here they are, in your living room, stunning us all with their angelic presence.
Presented below with minimal commentary is a visual interpretation of my thoughts on this, the premiere episode.
- toaster oven
- horse riding outfits
- Where is Kelly?
I actually like Sonja. I do find her blazingly fake, like the rest of these wingbats, but she’s pretty refreshing in her superficiality and desire to have fun. I think this is reflected in the above Photoshop. Note that she is stepping her way to success on a pair of toaster oven — her literal bread-winners.
- dead eyes
- prosthetic leg
Yep, those are from Kirsten Dunst. Who else? The teeth, not the gorilla legs. I’m not really sure how this melted Crayon of a person was made to be on TV, but here she is! And just a logistical thought: I have no idea how many, if any, of the various elements I’ll keep in future Photoshops. I think the face is a slam dunk. This show makes me want to kill myself, so…there’s that.
LuAnn de Lesseps
- put a ring on it
- Where is Jill?
- skull art child
LuAnn somehow comes out rather well, all things considering. I especially like her Beyonce glove. Nice touch. Wait, are we not supposed to call her the “Countess” anymore? She saved me the trouble of Photoshopping in a smirk, so I can thank her for at least that.
- skin face
- The Learning Annex
- child born dead?
- Where is Bethenny?
Ramona has a lot going on. I have no idea why I wrote “fortex” instead of “vortex,” but that is what I did, and who am I to argue with myself? I am going to assume it’s a normal vortex but like, cranked up four times. FORTEX! I am also not super sure what “skin face” refers to other than that, yes, she has skin as part of her face. Maybe I meant “skinny face?” As per the official Photoshop of Whores Doctrine, I am unable to make such liberal changes, so “FORTEX” and “skin face” it is. Oh, and guess the stillborn! [Highlight this for the answer: one of King Tut’s many children]
- book no one cares about
- ABC News
I could not get over how remarkably boring Carole was. HOW IS SHE ON TELEVISION? Seriously. “ABC News” was one of my notes. Boring! I mean look at this woman. She couldn’t muster some sort of more enthusiastic face for the official Bravo TV photo shoot? She is such a potato fart. To be fair, I’ve altered her face slightly. SLIGHTLY.
Too many to count:
- new money
- “The Hamptons” is not a thing
- mountains north of the city no one cares about
Heather is kind of a hot mess, can we all agree? Not in the traditional Housewives sense of the word. More like a hot “OH GOD I WANT TO BE FAMOUS AND PRETTY AND SUCCESSFUL SMILE SMILE SMILE” mess.