Once Upon a Time: Episode 20

With only three episodes left in this season, I am finally glad to see Once Upon a Time begin to solve some riddles. I was getting frustrated with back stories and time lines, but in this episode, we get some answers.
The biggest question I had up til now is “who is the writer?” The mysterious man who shows up claiming to be a writer. He steals the book of Fairy Tales from Henry, he helps uncover the Mayor’s involvement in a pseudo-murder and then he fakes being Rumpelstiltskin’s long-lost son. He clearly knows something about both worlds and I could wait no longer to find out the truth.

Spoiler Alert!!

He is Pinocchio! But how — Pinocchio is not a human, or an adult or a writer.  Well I was going to try and explain it, but it involves magic spells and wardrobes and double-crossing and the creepy pedophile, Geppetto…so you should probably just watch the episode and leave it at that. I will give you a brief synopsis of the over-all goings-on just in case.

In The “Now” Storybrooke Time

So, August/Writer is Pinnochio. HE apparently holds the clues to helping Emma beat the curse, only he cannot seem to find the time to do it. He encourages the Sheriff to quit work for the day and takes her to the diner where she was discovered as a baby. HE unveils some of her back story and tries to convince her that all this fairy tale talk is real.  If nothing else, August manages to light a fire under Emma in the fight to get custody of her emotionally disturbed son Henry.
Meanwhile, The Mayor decides she cannot let Mary Margaret and David get back together so when murder, kidnapping and false imprisonment don’t work, Ms Mayor decides she has to try seduction. This whole scene was dumb and seemed as if the writers were make a last-ditch effort to be edgy and sexy. It was uncomfortable to watch.

In the Before Time

After not getting eaten by a whale (suck it Disney), Geppetto makes a wish/deal with the ever-present Blue Fairy that Pinocchio should be a real boy. Since hearing the story as a child, I have had negative feelings towards a grown man who plays with toys craving the company of a real, fleshy boy, but whatever, just go with it.
In return for granting his wish, Geppetto, the world’s greatest carpenter, is enlisted to fashion some kind of wardrobe/time-space portal from an enchanted tree and send Snow White and Prince Charming through it to protect them from the Evil Queen’s curse. Seemed like a good plan at the time, but things did not really work out as planned.
Okay, so that is pretty much the highlights of either world.

Now, I will translate my notes about the more ridiculous plot points and poke fun at some of the truly worst writing on television.

Note:  Lasagna…what the fuck?

Translation:  To lure David/Charming into her web, Regina/Mayor/Queen fakes car trouble and then, at the last-minute, invites him in because she is about to whip up a lasagna. Good job, writers. Do you have any idea how long it takes to make lasagna from scratch? Like 2 hours! There is water to boil, noodles to cook and meat to brown. Then you have to actually make the lasagna, layer by layer and bake it in the oven for a good hour. Unless that bitch has a Stouffer’s sitting in her freezer (which still takes 70 minutes to cook), she had better have some appetizers and a movie planned. And the whole reason she invited him over was for sex, but who wants to intercourse when they are full of lasagna? Just ridiculous.

Note: No DCFS in magic land

Translation: Well, Magical parents seem to really like throwing their kids through portals. Rumpelstiltskin loses his son through a time portal. Geppetto seems content to send his 7-year-old sex slave into the unknown. Snow White takes her baby, still covered in birthing fluids, fresh from the uterus, and sends it through a portal. The Magic Land Department of Child and Family Services would be sending out many a Social Worker to these families, that is all I am trying to say. Not to mention that the parents have no idea what awaits their brood on the other end of this magical portal. What is God’s name was Snow thinking, sending a newborn, still breastfeeding, so vulnerable, out into the world. For shame.

Note: Don’t black mail the fairy.

Translation: The Blue Fairy has shown up quite a bit. She has some ultimate power and even Rumpelstiltskin bows down to her. When the Evil Queen’s curse-plan becomes known, The Blue Fairy goes to Geppetto and tells him that the only way to save the world is if he makes a cabinet. The cabinet, made from the last enchanted tree in the land, will only transport two people, but Geppetto thinks that instead of Snow and her child, it should be the newborn child and his 7-year-old son/toy because that makes total sense. The Blue Fairy just sits back and takes Geppetto’s shit. Stand up for yourself, Fairy…you come from a long line of magical creatures…you have Tinkerbell, Will o’The wisp, Changelings and all kinds of other folklore to back you up. I cannot believe The Blue Fairy just got pushed around by a pedophile.


Now, there are only two episodes left. I hope more characters begin to see their true selves! I am hoping that once they do realize their former magical equivalents, they loose all current memories, revert back to their old memories and wander around in present day Maine totally freaked out. Truly, the writers of Once Upon a Time are not skilled enough to pull off that plot twist, but a girl can dream can’t she?


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