To the untrained eye, it might seem that my tardy review of the season finale of Shahs of Sunset is a sign of laziness. I assure you, this is not true. I simply waited so long to watch the last episode because I hate this goddamn show so much it gives me stress diarrhea. Which is totally a thing.
Enough about me, let’s talk about the show one last time. And I mean last. I am not watching this show ever again.
As Shahs winds down, the producers have artfully edited down the drama to show how these awful people have actually grown. This is a hard task to undertake because the characters are so shallow and self-obsessed (duh, they agreed to be on a reality show) that their respective growth story-arcs were always rather flat to begin with. But if you assume that “edit down the drama” means there will be no drama, then bitch, you forgot you were watching Bravo.
After a long battle with the same song, Asa is finally ready to release “Tehrangeles.” Yup, she meets up with an apparently super famous woman named Homa Sarshar, whom Asa describes as “The Persian Barbara Walters”…but if you have to introduce her, then she probably is not that famous. Anyway, Homa hosts a record release/random Asa art exhibit at her house. Good for Asa.
Asa decides to wear a bedazzled bed-sheet to her art exhibit. Honestly, it is like she took gold bias and hot-glue gunned it to an old tent and then made a head hole. The worst, most unflattering piece of clothing I have ever seen in all my life. Epic Fail. Kill yourself.
She has none. Even in the final episode, after weeks of bitchiness, anger and hostile outburst, GG is unchanged. She does some self reflecting, tries going on a date and does more self-reflection. It is during this self-reflection that I notice something. GG fights like an angry black woman. She gets her hand and head involved and her voice gets plain ghetto. After a quick google searching of GG, I found out that she shares other characteristics of Madea. GG wears a weave. And she sells them. She has her own line of hair extensions. I am counting this in the “plus” column for GG because until this episode, there has been no mention of her having a job.
On her date with a psychiatrist (ironic, right) she is awkward and down right nuts. She mentions how she loves serial killers and thinks how she could share the mind of a serial killer and then says she cannot wait for her “baby factory” to be open for business. It was sad to watch her go down in flames, but it proves that no matter what shoes you wear or how hot you are in all your makeup, you cannot hide crazy. The date was a disaster and GG went home alone.
In the last weeks, MJ helped Reza in his dealings with his estranged family. This week, Reza took it upon himself to enlighten MJ that her mother is the worst. Truly, it is actually highly entertaining to watch a conversation with MJ and her mom. Comments about weight and marriage and food and money — all negative and all directed at MJ. Well, after the Reza conversation, MJ tells her mom that she needs support and love. Mom says no and MJ says goodbye. It was actually kind of really good television.
MJ agrees to go on a blind date (courtesy of Sammy) but the guy ends up being an old boyfriend who wants a second chance. MJ is so uncomfortable and makes such a scene, but the ex is a real douche-bag, so it is warranted. The double-blind date is a disaster, MJ ends up fleeing a semi-rapist and Sammy shows his true colors.
Holy Shit. Sammy has been a non-event in this show. This fat bastard has occasionally shown up for real estate deals and developer ass-kissing, but he was aloof and buried under the strong personalities of the other characters. I prefer him that way. Sammy was prominent in this episode and with every word he speaks he disgusts me. His only platinum quality is that he can come across as unassuming yet be the world’s biggest douche.
I say moments because, sweet baby zombie Jesus, there was some shady business going on.
- Sammy sets up a blind-date for MJ with her ex-boyfriend, who is handsy, physical and forward. When the situation is brought to Sammy’s attention, he could care less. In one scene, the ex puts MJ in a head lock while using his other hand to hold her downa nd tell her “I love those thick-ass legs.” One of his “best friends” is getting aggressively finger-banged in public against her will and Sammy just wants to give props to his boy. It was gross.
- Sammy is conversely set up on a blind-date with a nice, gorgeous professional woman. Sammy is a fat bastard, thinks he is a much better person than he is, and tried the age-old male tactic of debasing his female companion in order to make her vulnerable and seek approval. Only it backfires. After Sammy tells his date she “could be more toned” she does everything short of throw her drink in his face. This includes telling him he is an awful human being and leaving her date.
- When MJ sits down to clear the air with Sammy, he is aggressive and manipulative. At first Sammy says MJ and her ex need to be together and he thought they deserved a second chance at love — hence the date. After it becomes clear that it was the worst idea ever, Sammy tells MJ that everyone in the Persian community knows about her and her ex was the only man who would date such a drunken lush. It was harsh. Too harsh. The kind of ammunition that only works at close range. It made me want to kick Sammy in the balls.
He finally gets the courage to tell MJ that her mom is not very nice to her. This is actually really hard to say to someone you care about and Reza does a better than expected job of it. So, platinum props to Reza for trying to fix MJ. Though, he does call her fat and comment on her weight several times during the conversation, but oh well.
After all the discussion of MJ and Reza’s relationship…since high school, since the before time, in the long long ago they have been friends. Then why does Reza not know the name of MJ’s dogs. Sure, her chunky Chihuahuas are very similar and have Hispanic names, but seriously, Reza, know a girl’s dogs!! She lets them ride around in a stroller for Christ’s sake. It was embarrassing and made me see through the Bravo glimmer to the true sham of the reality TV show relationships. Poor form.
Mike tells GG that there is no way he would ever be romantically involved with her. Sure, he brings out a side of her that you rarely see (the fake, sweet side) but because GG is unstable and jealous and psychotic, Mike finally tells her that they are not meant to be more than friends. He calls GG on her bullshit and she gets defensive. Mike is a beefcake, but he is better than GG and deserves someone nicer than GG. Like me. Just saying.
He keeps trying to get the fatties of the groups to work out. As a fatty, I am annoyed when pretty, thin people lord their physical prowess over others. He makes Reza run and then tells him he is not working hard enough. Mike also makes Sammy work out, though thankfully we don’t have to watch that jiggly mess.