RuPaul’s Drag Race: Season 4, Episode 13 – The Final Three, Gurl

So yah, we totally got pwned. We won’t have the winner announced until next week’s RuPaul’s Drag Race Reunited. As such, there’s also no Untucked this week. I love that RuPaul asks the viewers to vote for the winner, when we all know it’s still gonna be her decision, obvy. Remember, the reunited episode is months later, after most of the show has aired. It’ll be interesting to see both the decision as well as what all the other contestants have thought after seeing each other on TV. Needless to say, this has been one of the most exciting seasons so far, and the patented Drag-o-Meter ratings system had a lot to measure this week…

Drag-o-Meter Rating 1/5: To Wong Foo, Thanks for Nothing, Julie Newmar!

  • Poor Latrice, you ain’t getting that huge check, gurl.
  • During the choreography training, everyone is wearing heels. To dance in. Hmm, OK. No one even appears to be wearing proper dance attire either. The choreographer is wearing a tube dress! How? Why?
  • Has anyone else noticed that the contestants always have headphones in when they’re rehearsing for a music challenge? I could be wrong, but is that common on dance/musical/reality competitions? I point this out because I half think that this show can’t afford the proper high-end monitor speakers, microphones, and editing necessary to blast the music into the studio AND pick up voice AND make it all sound good for TV.
  • Thank you…Logo…for having the “when you have a hole in your mouth, be very careful shaving” anti-smoking ads during RDR. Do you know your audience?
  • Nearly half of the episode goes by without any actual drag being done.
  • Where’s BeBe Zahara Benet? CAMEROON, obvs.

Drag-o-Meter Rating 2/5: You bettah work!

  • The contestants feign like they know who the director and choreographer for RuPaul’s “Glamazon” music video are. Um, no honey.
  • Sharon is, sadly, terrible during the rehearsals. I feel for her, but she has other talents to make up for it.
  • Phi Phi compares herself to Tyra (a past winner) based on their age, but the difference is that Tyra always had sass and charisma where she lacked in experience, whereas Phi Phi backs her inexperience up with plain attitude. No thanks.

Drag-o-Meter Rating 3/5: [snaps!]

  • The remaining 3 girls seem to all revel in yet be floored by their top 3 statuses, especially considering Latrice was the last to go.
  • I feel like no matter what’s going on, someone is always lounging on top of a table. Always. It’s an unspoken requirement.
  • Yay, it’s so nice to see Raja and to a lesser extent Tyra (seasons 3 and 2 winners), back again.
  • Sharon’s boyfriend Alaska, tried out every season and has never made it. Sharon tried out once and made it all the way to the top 3. Oopsers.
  • Chad’s “apology” to Phi Phi includes such compliments as, “but I understand you’re young and flippant and crazy and whatever.” Phi Phi should take what she can gets, mmkay.
  • Could these finalists be any more different?

Drag-o-Meter Rating 4/5: Heyyyyyyyy Girl!

  • I just now noticed that the clock bearing Ru’s visage has the clock’s hands emanating from your cooch.
  • Phi Phi hasn’t talked to his “army dad” in 7 years because they had a physical fight on his 18th birthday. Yikes. Oy. Kazoonks! When Ru says Phi Phi deserves to feel beautiful and wanted, I see a glimmer of hope in her otherwise scowl-ridden face.
  • In a twist, the TOP two have to lip-sync for the crown. This way, the winner has lip-synced at least once.
  • I love Chad’s runway outfit, tassels and Versace and all, but I wonder if the wig is perfect for this look? Her body is amazing.
  • WHERE did Sharon get those Beetlejuice fingers? Her look is OK I suppose, but maybe a little boring compared to her other outfits.
  • The judges compare Sharon to Lady Gaga, and I have to say that’s not an unfair take on it.
  • Phi Phi shines from the head up. She maybe has the best hair and makeup, but her outfit is also a bit boring.

Drag-o-Meter Rating 5/5: Sickening!

  • OMG, when RuPaul finishes her video intro with, “today RuPaul’s Drag Race, tomorrow…THE WORLD,” she devolves into a pitch-perfect crazy face/cackle-a-thon. It’s amazing and campy, and everything wrong is right.
  • The annual “dinner date with Ru” is back. For those who don’t know, the contestants one by one sit down at a very formal table — gold goblets, chargers, tablecloth, place mats, etc — with Ru, in full drag, on the stage. It’s always cordial. “If you want to go ahead and take a bite, feel free,” she says kindly. On each plate is a single Tic-Tac. This gag carries over year after year and yet is so funny every time. It just works. Chad immediately chimes in, “Girl I haven’t had a bite since 1972.”
  • Tyra’s enormous red fro.
  • Sharon actually cuts into the single Tic-Tac.
  • Ru’s video director is…in old man in drag? I can’t tell. He’s British? He has a stuffed dog for some reason. During the fake slapping/punching segment of the video rehearsal, my husband goes “I can’t wait for the GIFs.” Neither can we.
  • OMG, speaking of the slap gags. So many! And I love how there are SO many takes that they’re able to superimpose the girls’ tearful “I’m so glad to be here/I’m gonna win” confessionals over what amounts to Ru beating the crap out of them. Inspired.
  • There are so many shots of the absurdly large grown. It’s straight out of Toddlers and Tiaras.
  • The “Glamazon” video. I cannot comment further than saying go watch it now!
  • OK, one comment. Notice how MUCH taller Ru is than the rest of them? She’s like 1-2 FEET taller.
  • OK, second comment. They somehow included every single guest judge/judge/contestant in the final music video. Obviously they must have filmed everyone in front of a green screen throughout the season. Genius. It’s still super low budget, but it’s genius.
  • Ooooooh, it’s a triple lip-sync! yes! Twist! Bring it! They’re all so vastly different. Sharon’s spooky, Phi Phi’s energetic, and Chad’s classy. I think that none are as good as some of the former contestants this season in pure danceability, but it’s still fun to watch.

Here be the quotes.

  • “You’ve survived boatloads of seamen.” -Ru
  • “I modify my voice all the time.” -Tyra, in a super deep voice
  • “Bitch that wrench came awful close to THIS face.” -Ru after Phi Phi actually throws a wrench almost at her
  • “Anyone who can say that RuPaul kicked the shit out of them should consider themselves lucky.” -Sharon
  • “Can we ratchet that back a few notches? It was a little Dorothy on crack.” -Ru’s video director to Phi Phi
  • “And RuPaul will be available for actual beatings later.” -Ru’s video director
  • “Shake the dice, and steal the rice. Hey Santino!” -Ru
  • “Now are you ready to crown a champion?” “He’s crowning as we speak” -Ru and Michelle
  • “I’m serving Wilma Flintstone realness” -Phi Phi
  • “Love? Oh…love. I was in love once. It was the worst 20 minutes of my life.” -Ru
  • “Don’t ever stop doing that.” “I don’t think I can because it’s one of three tricks I have.” -Michelle and Chad
  • “This is succubus ready-to-wear.” -Sharon

Team As the Day is Long

We were tricked, tricked I say! Since this was ostensibly to be the finale, I decided to choose one final contestant as the ultimate winner. The points were slightly different for the finale, or so we were told. If I picked the winner, I’d get a ton of points, but if I picked the losers too, I’d lose even more points. Thus, I took a chance and whittled the team down to one gal, Sharon. Well fuck a duck, because that means team As the Day is Long racked in a meager 4 points. 4 points! Oh, the humanity.

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