Once Upon a Time: Episode 19

Well, after a few weeks off Once Upon a Time is back, and it is bringing MAGIC! And if watching Disney’s Aladdin taught me anything, it is that magic comes with a price.

So, let’s get into some of the plot points.

In the before time, the long, long ago of Magicville, we visit in on Rumpelstiltskin. Remember like, 10 episodes ago, Rumpels craved power and using dagger-based mysticism, he stole the power from “The Dark One.” Well, fast forward and we see that all-consuming evil is actually a bad thing. Everyone is scared of Rumpels (he kills townspeople for the smallest infractions) including his own son. In a last-ditch effort, Rumpels’ son (whose name is unintelligible, it sounds like “Hellfire” or “Willfull”) evokes the good magic of The Blue Fairy to send the family to a place where magic does not exist.

Sounds like a good idea to “Willful” but for Rumples, giving up all-powerful magic is kind of a deal breaker. So “Willful” gets transported to Storybrooke and Rumples is left behind. Poor family, separated and lost in the magical space/place/time continuum.

Meanwhile, in the present-day Maine town of Storybrooke, Rumples/Mr.Gold is trying to gather information on the new man in town…and by “new” I mean the writer that came to town several episodes ago.

This has actually been a plot point I was desperately hoping would be explained. Mr. Writer shows up in town immediately following the statement “no strangers ever come to Storybrooke.”  I think the question on every viewers mind is — which fairy tale character is this?

Well, you will not get a very satisfying to that question in this episode, but it does build more suspense since this dude seems to know a great deal about the whole cursed-town situation. So stay tuned for that.

Oh, and for those hopeless romantics out there, there is more drama with Snow White and Prince Charming (and the surreptitiously un-murdered Kathryn!). I hate everything about this ridiculous kidnapped/murdered/missing/in-love/unharmed/amnesia story line. And that is all I have to say about that.

So, turns out, having magic is not all it is cracked up to me. It also turns out this show is un-entertaining. Hint: don’t watch Game of Thrones before tuning in to Once Upon a Time…it will not end well.

In fact, on reflection, all the notes I took for this show are cynical and childish. Let me decipher some of my hate-speech for you!

Notes: Rumples is a powerful, but glittery.

Translation: After Rumples gets the magic of “The Dark One,” his skin is glittery. He shines like one of those effeminate Vampires from The Twilight Saga. I guess I was saying that being bedazzled does not incite fear in your enemies. Rumples meth teeth, though, are fucking scary.

Notes: Children are manipulative little douchebags.

Translation: There are some messed up kids in this show. From the oft psychoanalyzed Henry, to the wolfish Red, to Hansel and Gretel and now Rumples’ son. No wonder he gets sucked into a time/space black-hole, little “Hellfire” should have minded his own business and accepted that his dad has ultimate power. That kind of power will, no doubt, come in handy later in life.

Notes: Um, not the Ogre Wars, but nice try writers.

Translation: Just about the only thing in this whole show that has peaked my interest is the references to some kind of awful Troll War. One reason Rumples gets his power in the first place is to save his son from being drafted into the awful Troll War. With his awful power, Rumples brings an end to the Troll War, sparing his son the misfortune of battle. Why then, do the writers make the mistake of calling it the “Ogre Wars.” Do I look stupid to you, writers? Well, fuck you, I am smarter than I look. Get your facts straight. You are writing about fairy tales and legends, you bitch-ass writers had better know the difference between Ogres and Trolls.

Notes: Who cares about Kathryn. DNA?

Translation: I don’t think this needs much explanation, but man, I really hate this plot line. When Kathryn disappeared on the edge of town, her status was upgraded from “missing” to “murdered” when her heart was found. Her heart. It was verified by DNA analysis. See, the part that annoys me is the writers try to explain away the DNA with some evidence tampering when there is no DNA evidence lab in the town of Storybrooke (is it run by a former Santa elf or an oompa loompa with a graduate degree?). I refuse to believe that the “Evil Queen Mayor” has power that extends to the State Crime Lab.

So that about wraps up this weeks episode of Once Upon a Time. While not the best thing on television, I will say that it is the best thing on ABC at the moment. Once Upon a Time cannot compete with Mad Men orNurse Jackie in story, dialogue, character development or originality, but it is not the worst show I have ever watched.

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