Turns out…not much. GG’s parents are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. Since GG is a toxic friend, the others spend much of the episode coming up with excuses not to show up. It also happens to be MJ’s birthday, but since she is not as fabulous as Reza, MJ opts to have a quiet dinner with her friend (singular friend), mom and dogs. Those are the two main events happening this week. As usual, this episode is very GG heavy. So, it you don’t like spoiled brats, eye-rolling or watching a tarted-up bitch flip her hair around, then this episode it not for you. If, however, you like high colonics, watching people buy cars and listening to “Tehrangeles” again then stay tuned!
Despite all the drama with GG and being the butt of jokes, she shows up to the anniversary party. The older crowd seems very smitten with her, know about her music and even GG (who seems a little drunk) keeps shouting “she’s truly an artist” to anyone who comes too close. Good for you Asa, getting some street-cred with the over 50 crowd.
Gold Plated Moments
Asa decides to take her two tracks “Tehrangeles” and “Diamond Water” to a producer to get some feedback and possibly, I dunno, a record deal? If you have listened to either of these tracks, you know that they will agree with the producer; these songs are “not for the radio.” While not awful, they are mostly in Farsi and, as the producer says, they are “far out.” Far out means, “bitch, you are crazier that Tori Amos and I want nothing to do with this music” Asa says she is unwilling to compromise her art and thus, they part ways. Lesson 1- If your sole purpose is to make edgy artwork, then do not try to commercialize it by getting it on the radio. Also, don’t go on a Bravo TV show because people will laugh at you.
It is MJs 36th Birthday. She has a small dinner at her house with Reza and her mom. I love her mom. Give MJs mom her own show because she is a sassy, mean, wrinkled old bitch and I could listen to her rip MJ a new asshole for hours. She is too old to give a shit what anyone thinks and she constantly berates MJ and Reza for every little thing. MJ should realize by the end of this show that her mother is the cause of her debilitating alcoholism. Loved it.
For her birthday, Reza gets them both high colonics. For those that don’t know, colonics are just super strong enemas, they flush out the debris and dead cells from your large intestine leaving your rectum as clean as a whistle. MJ and Reza think it will help them lose weight so off they go. Such shenanigans. You would think that they were each getting anally raped by a clown they were yelling and laughing too much. You voluntarily determined to go for a colon cleanse, so man up, relax and take it.
Good God, GG, you are troubled. The show opens up with you, puttering around your condo looking at all your self-help books while a voice-over reminds us that you have need of some serious therapy. Not 42 seconds later we get a tour of your knife collection. You tell Reza which ones are for throat slicing and which ones are more stabby. Just when Reza looks scared enough, you introduce him to “Crispy”…your tazer. I have no doubt in my mind that GG has a criminal record.
As it is the 40th wedding anniversary for GG’s parents, we finally get to meet her mom and dad. First, we see dad and daughter out to dinner and then BAM! Dad pulls out GG’s credit card bill and threatens to cut her off. There is talk of her getting a job, GG looks incredulous and uninterested and daddy says he is so ashamed of her behavior that he has lost his appetite…he then tells GG she needs to lose her appetite for spending his money. Zing!
He gets out of GG’s party by going on a blind date. It is a disaster. This Cheyenne kid is so twink and white and young. Reza maybe a bitch, but he is more mature than this kid for sure. At one point, Reza says he is sure Chris Hanson from “To Catch a Predator” is going to pop out at any moment. Within a few minutes, Cheyenne is making references to sharing bodily-fluids. No, Reza!! You can do better than this. You flew your friends to Vegas on a private jet, do not settle for someone who shows up late to dinner in a bow tie and then teases you for only having 4 serious boyfriends.
Getting a colonic right before your blind date. Who do you think you are fooling, gurl?
He was paid $30,000 to watch over construction of a house for some bizzillionaire developer. Thirty. Thousand. Dollars. For one week’s work. Sammy apparently has enough money, so he uses the payment to hire more transient Hispanic workers to finish the house ahead of schedule. This was impressive.
Apparently developing homes means feeling on the edge of things. Every door, every corner, every piece of tile; Sammy would let his fingers just brush them while his eyes kind of glaze over. I think he is getting aroused from the tactile sensation of touching a 2 million dollar pool. After he gets off from rubbing his fingers along the glass window panes, Sammy magically folds his huge body into the world’s tiniest corvette and drives away.
I have no moments for Mike because he was barely in this episode. He was so absent that when I searched “Mike sunset waiting” into google images this is…for real…the first picture that came up. Stupid google, I said “mike” not “bike.”
Epiphany of the Week
Reza looks like someone. He reminds me of someone. I have felt it for weeks now, someone famous that I have known since childhood. I had the hardest time putting my finger on it, but then it hit me. And with the help of Photoshop, I present to you, celebrity doppelgangers- Reza and Bert. It is uncanny, no, how much these queens favor each other. Nailed it.