Shahs of Sunset: Episode 3

I apologize for the delay in recapping this episode, but honestly, I needed to listen to at least 40 hours of NPR to detox my brain from the last episode.

If you remember, we left the six spoiled brats of Shahs of Sunset in Las Vegas celebrating Reza’s 49th birthday. After GG caused drama with…everyone, we find that she bailed on Vegas in the middle of the night and found her way back to LA without notifying anyone. The rest of the crew take their private jet back a few hours later and begin their normal, boring lives in high-end million dollar real estate. From this episode I gather that if you want to buy a home in Los Angeles, you need to find yourself a Persian.

Also in the last episode, Reza comically insulted GG’s sense of taste and told her that she would never be able to identify different brands of champagne. So, being Reza, he obviously throws a champagne tasting. More drama ensues at this event because GG is a spoiled, pathetic child who must be the center of attention at all times.



Platinum Moment

Giving away the $30,000. He was given this money to simply supervise the building of a million dollar house for a “very famous” developer. The valor of this act was lessened because of the fact Sammy was given $30,000 to watch a house be built. So yeah.

Gold-Plated Moment

During his “solo camera confessions” he wears this ugly ascot that is way way too small for him and looks more like a Boy Scout neckerchief. No Neck Monsters should always avoid wearing anything that hugs the throat. Fat person protocol 101.


Platinum Moment

Spending $8404.18 cents on caviar, pâtés, cheeses and varieties of champagne. Sure, that is more than most American’s spend on their cars, but fuck them, Reza is a stone cold baller.

Gold-Plated Moment

The morning he leaves for LA, Reza is looking around the apartment for GG. He has clearly not prepared for the day because he has a severe 5 o’clock shadow that is all gray. Clearly, he dyes the hell out of his porn-star mustache. Not that it is a bad thing, but, well, it is a thing.


Platinum Moment

He has an adorable pit bull that sleeps in bed with him. I do not approve of the cropped ears and docked tail, but still, he obviously spoils that dog rotten. So, Shahs of Sunset, we have hundreds of shots of MJ’s ugly, bug-eyed Chihuahuas, so can we have some more interactions with Mike and his dog?

Gold-Plated Moment

While Mike was talking to his mother at a mom/son lunch, he tells her how much he loves her then completely ignores her while she is having a heartfelt moment because a group of women walks by. Mike kind of grosses me out.


Platinum Moment

MJ is great at stirring the pot, mixing things up and fueling a fight by playing both sides. Of course, this is a sociopath-type trait that makes her unloveable in the real world but will inevitable make her unforgettable in reality TV history. She is the soul cause of all the GG/Anita/Reza drama but acts like she is the therapist that will heal all wounds. Classic MJ.

Gold-Plated Moment

Just like last week, we have many shots of MJ day drinking. At home. At work. At all times. And where she is not actually imbibing, she makes comments about how she is “thirsty” and cannot wait for dinner/drinks. Being a functional alcoholic is not the only thing that makes MJ memorable, but she is rarely seen on camera without a drink in her hand or slurring her speech slightly. I am so looking forward to the spin-off Shahs of Rehab!


Platinum Moment and Gold-Plated Moment

Asa is utterly insane. She takes Bohemian to a new level. Asa has designed “Diamond Water” which is plain H20 infused with real diamonds and dried flowers picked from Iran. This water is blessed by Asa and is meant to pay remembrance to her ancestors. When Asa drinks this water, she says it brings out her “inner Ares fire dragon, Intergalactic Persian priestess.” She even brings this water to her recording studio where her sound-mixing and recording staff say is smells like bath water. After downing this concoction of Diamond Water, Asa says her music is “post trip-hop galactical Persian vibes.” No, honey, your music is aural garbage…and if you think it is anything else, then your precious Diamond Water is liquid LSD mixed with dried poppy flowers. Musical Miasma.

If you doubt me, than please listen to her song “Tehrangeles” HERE.


Platinum Moment

Um, she does not have one this episode. She is kind of the worst human being ever squirted out into the world.

Gold-Plated Moment

GG makes the comment “I have been in therapy throughout my life, mostly because of my anger.” Well, way to bury the lead, producers. Although, this fake-confession makes a lot of sense because GG is bat-shit crazy. She makes comments about how she breaks things. Several times during the episode she makes threatening gestures with knives and appliances and spatulas. Seems like GG’s therapy did not take because this bitch has more issues than shoes. Also, I am pretty sure she is the only one in this posse who does not have a job. She literally adds nothing to the world. If she died right now, nothing about any person’s life would be negatively impacted.


So, this episode was less exciting than last week’s Vegas free-for-all, but it was still entertaining. And that is all this show is, sickening, base, entertainment. With Asa’s Erika Badu-inspired head-wraps and GG’s outbursts and MJs crow’s feet, the ladies on this show are by far more dramatic than the men. Sammy is practically a walk-on extra with no lines, and Mike is typecast as the hunky man-slut. The only person on the show I actually love to hear speak is Reza…he is bringing some “Fierce Queen” realness. So, go listen to NPR and partake of artisanal cheese. Then, once your mind is ready for some TV devoid of substance, watch the next episode of Shahs of Sunset.


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