SNL: Lindsay Lohan / Jack White

Oh, Saturday Night Live…after a few weeks of reruns, I was happy to see the word “NEW” on my DVR. Then, I read a little more and saw that the host of the the show is none other than America’s favorite problem child — Lindsay Lohan. With no movie/TV/radio/object to promote, I can only assume she was chosen as the host because she is out of rehab or something. By the looks of Lohan, it seems her purpose is to celebrate having some plastic surgery on her face…not that I can blame her, I mean, who wants to spend their whole life looking like Lindsay Lohan?

Okay, if you are offended by Lohan jokes, you should stop reading this review, and also, not watch this episode. After the dreary/pathetic political cold-open, Lohan spent her monologue making fun of herself. With jokes about shop-lifting and drug rehab and ankle bracelets, it becomes quite clear that Lohan was chosen to host because she is famous for nothing more than being infamous. Poor little skank…she is reduced to poking fun at her own fake lesbianism. Be careful, Lindsay, a few more jokes and you will go from curious object to object of ridicule…just ask Courtney Love.

Enough about Lindsay, it is time for some sketch comedy. And it is a good thing we are forgetting about Lohan because her presence in this show was utterly unnecessary. Actually, I wish I could forget the way she blankly delivered her lines. I want to forget how Lohan stupidly stared directly at the cue cards. But alas, I cannot. She is a horrible actress and a devastatingly untalented person, and I cannot wait for her to overdose.

Okay, okay, okay. Now, really, on to the sketches.

First, let’s talk about the commercials. This time, there were three commercials, and two of them were repeats. SNL made up for their overall lack of effort by introducing “The Real Housewives of Disney.” Holy Jesus, this was the funniest thing I have seen on SNL in weeks. With gay prince-husbands, kingdom bankruptcy, and ape infidelity, this was such a great satirical slant on Bravo’s Real Housewives genre. And if this is the only sketch you see tonight, then you have definitely made a good choice, because it was downhill from here.

If I were to choose a theme to describe the rest of the show it would be “at what, exactly, am I supposed to be finding funny?” Now comes the list.

  • Late Night Delinquent Girl Movie thing. I am not quite sure what was supposed to be funny. The awkward way Andy Samberg stands in the background? The repetitive way Fred Armisen gets hit by a car on the lowest-budget set imaginable? How watching this sketch makes me want to watch a better show, like Portlandia?
  • Minnesota Morning Show. I was so confused by this sketch. Was it funny because having really high-energy people on morning shows is necessary? Or is Minnesota known for illiterate radio hosts? I assume SNL was poking fun at how radio DJs have stupid names and have to be energetic. I would refer them to “the Delicious Dish” sketch as a masterclass on how smart and subtle wins out in comedy every time. So, “Minnesota Morning Show” was an epic fail.
  • The Digital Short. Yes, a huge shared Afro between an expectant couple is original, but if you are going to be singing a song about it, make the song 1) funny and 2) audible/understandable and 3) memorable. The whole thing was a mess.
  • The Psychic Awards.  I believe this was the exact same idea from the writer who brought us “Porn Stars: In Memoriam.” Adding the cause of death was actually a funny touch.
  • The Cold Open. Okay, America, we get it. Mitt Romney has no personality and is, at best, comparable to a robot. It is not funny to point out the obvious, especially when the same joke is being made on every fake newscast. So…robotic, Mormon, rich. It’s been done, but nice try.
  • House-sitter. This was a sketch that relied entirely on the facial expressions of Kristen Wiig. So, apparently, answering a phone with a crazy face and neck brace is comedy.

“Weekend Update” was part of the show as usual. Fast forward through…well, most of it. I enjoyed the Snooki interview. Apparently that tiny Jersey Hobgoblin is pregnant. How appropriate that on an episode of SNL hosted by Lohan, the writers would choose to focus on another useless, talent-less slag.

Oh, Jack White. I love him because he is a living, breathing Tim Burton character. Even though his music is minimalist and clean, he has a way of presenting himself that makes the whole experience enjoyable. He started with the song “Love Interruption” with a band of ladies. Next, he performed “Sixteen Saltines” with a band of all men. Oh, Jack White, the next time I am in Nashville, I am going to your record store….even though I don’t own a record player. Lyrics so hopeful and devastating at the same time — “I want love to roll me over slowly Stick a knife inside me and twist it all around” — I mean, come on…that is the lyric that belongs in an AIM profile.

All in all, this was not the worst episode this season, but it fell flat. Repeat Chantix commercials, giant Afros, recycled obituaries and loud radio hosts made me want to change the channel. But stay for the Housewives, Scared Straight, and Jack White.

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One thought on “SNL: Lindsay Lohan / Jack White

  1. Jerch says:

    So I very much liked this episode, although I will concede it had little to nothing to do with Lindsay as host. Remember her earlier appearances? The infamous “Debbie Downer” sketch, her portrayal as busy Hermione Granger, to name a few? She was so clearly looking at cue cards I wondered if it were some sort of in-joke with the producers. Still, I absolutely loved the Real Housewives send-up, the psychic awards, and even the phone call sketch.

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