Alcatraz: Episode something…who cares. Ugh, 5. Shut up.

It took every ounce of strength in my fat body to watch this episode of Alcatraz. At least, as a member of By That You Mean I get to pick the show apart and ask the confusing questions. Quite frankly, I am done with this show, and the only reason I watch it is because I get to mind-rape the creators and writers of this show and hold them accountable for their actions. This evening, after the episode “Guy Hastings,” I sat down with a member of the production staff to ask him/her what the hell is going on.


So, can you explain to me how this show Alcatraz is different from any other procedural cop drama on TV right now?

Great question. It is exactly the same as every other cop drama on TV right now. Wait. Scratch that. We are trying to kick things up a notch. All of our villains are from 1963. And, yeah, that is the only thing that makes us unique. But if you are going to rely on the historical aspect of the show to hold you over, be prepared, it will not do. I mean, we make all the boobs in 1963 a total mess and we have fancy talking like you would hear in The Pacific or A League of Their Own. In fact, if you want really good stories, you should watch either of those. This show takes people you don’t care about time-travelling back to the present to kill other people you don’t care about. As usual, the most recently famous person in the cast is the person of interest. For example, in this episode, the bad guy is the vampire-lover in True Blood. Ahhh, True Blood now there is a good show. So much better than this show.

I have to admit, I kind of spaced out during this episode because I was in the middle of a self-pedicure. What is up with the blood and the guards?

So glad you asked. As you could probably tell from the episode, there was a strange relationship between a guard and an inmate. I do not expect you to know the names of either of these characters, because, let’s be honest, this show is awful. Anyway, the looks between these two guys and the way the prisoner is sent to have his blood drawn…we assume the audience will realize that this is a reference to weaponized AIDS. (The producer confers with his assistant and then makes a phone call.) What was I talking about? NOT weaponized AIDS…hahahah, nope. Just some normal flashbacks without AIDS. Or HIV. Normal normal normal.

Riiiight. So, if I miss an episode or two, will I miss out on the overall plot and be lost?

Haha, my God no. This is the most straight forward show on TV at the moment. We have some flashbacks and side stories and family drama, but all in all, this is not that complicated. Until the last episode, absolutely none of the hints dropped throughout the shows will make a bit of difference. We have keys and blood and park rangers that intrigue the audience. But most of all, every episode follows a distinct Answer to Question Ratio (the A:Q) that will keep the audience guessing and tuning in. Especially women viewers. There is something about being unfulfilled that really gets lady viewers in.

I would like to end this discussion with my favorite question…What was your favorite part about this episode?

My favorite part of this episode was when we decided to make the background of the main character Detective Rebecca Madsen all convoluted and weird. To be quite honest, as we were making the old school Alcatraz family tree, I took a much needed nap. But when I woke up and read what the Yale graduates had written, I was not unimpressed. So, yeah, I guess that was my favorite part.


It seems like even the creators of Alcatraz can barely keep interested in this faltering show. I am almost praying for this show to be “booed” off the network, but when I realize that trash like 2 Broke Girls can win a People’s Choice Award, chances are this crap-ass show is here to stay. Until next week.


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