Once Upon a Time: Episode 12

Oh Hell to the no, Once Upon A Time…you stepped it in this time.

I called shenanigans within 3 minutes of watching this episode. How dare you take Beauty and the Beast and change it like this, ABC? Who do you think you are? That movie won an Oscar (TM), and you think that you can just throw in the pregnant slag from LOST and some glittery Rumpelstiltskin face paint and expect the die-hard fans to just accept the plot twists. Fuck you, ABC, how dare you.

Here are all the reasons this episode made me want to go to Disney World and hug Belle.

  • You cannot just take the names of all the characters (Belle, Gaston) and assume them as your own. This is not Hansel and Gretel (which since Disney hasn’t made into a motion picture, no one cares about). This is Beauty and the fucking Beast. Don’t chip a tea cup and assume it is Chip (capitalized because he is an awesome character with Angela Lansbury as a mom). So you burn in Hell and stop assuming the names and back-stories of some of the best Disney character to ever be a thing.
  • I assumed (based on every episode so far) that no one was ever to leave or come into to Storybrooke. So how then, when Cinderella (who pooped out a bastard child some 6 episodes ago) goes whoring out on the town, does she meet anyone new? I would assume that everyone in the bar is a member of this tiny town. Also, I find it necessary to remind American moms to “pump and dump” so the little bundle of joy doesn’t get a nipple contact buzz.
  • How am I to believe that mean old Mr. Rumpelstiltskin would take a young virgin and throw her in the dungeon without raping her? I said it. I assume the Enchanted Forest time was similar to…anytime in the world pre-1980s. So when a man of power has a lady in his power, it is common practice to own that vag by force. I am not saying I agree with it, but it’s just another way Once Upon a Time dumbs it down.  Later in the show, there is a reference to how Belle had to be cleansed and was shamed (and SPOILER) totally dies from the horror of it all. Just go on and say it. Belle and the Beast (Rumpelstiltskin) bumped junk. Whether by force or consensually, I don’t care. No on cares. But come on — just say it. Kick things up a notch.
  • How many hospitals are in this town? There is the hospital where Prince Charming had his Coma Time. Now there is some other hospital where Belle is secretly being held captive. Come on, kids. Evil Queen is the MAYOR. That is hall-monitor type power. So stop overselling this bitch. Mayors are the worst. In fact…right now, name the mayor of your town (NYC excluded). Truth. You do not know. So shut up, ABC and stop trying to instill community leadership.
  • See bullet #1. Do not change up the amazing story of Beauty and the Beast. The prologue is one of the most beautiful and thoughtful pieces of art ever created. It explains the rose. So STOP IT, ABC, do not mind-rape my childhood!!! It makes my heart cry.

I am torn, so torn with this show. Sometimes, the reinterpreting of stories is really thoughtful. Usually those are the stories no one cares about. Rumpel what now? Hansel and who the fuck? Cinder whose a slave? Snow White and how many dwarves? Exactly. America doesn’t care about those, so you add in as many dwarves and enchantments and extra bullshit as you want. But the fact you dare get balls deep in Belle…for shame Once Upon a Time…for shame.

Before you go sending me hate mail, I do understand that this episode was about love only being skin deep. Happy Valentine’s Day.

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