Glee: Season 3, Episode 12 – Heart

Love is in the air! In fact, the air in the writer’s room at the Glee studios is thick with love. Maybe it is because it is a Valentine’s Day Episode. Or it could be that every character is getting married. Maybe it was the overturning of Prop 8 in California that has all the love juice flowing. Either way, we should probably check in with the writers to see how this week’s episode is shaping up.

We join the writers, already in progress…

Okay, so this week is the St. Valentine’s Day Episode. As usual, this brings to mind one over-arching theme.

Love.

False. Religion. SAINT Valentine’s Day. But, now that you mention it, I am sure there will be a way to bring up both themes in this episode. Okay, so let’s start with this love bull shit.

Well, I know that almost every single episode we bring up love and marriage and sex and pregnancy…what was I talking about? Oh yeah, we need more love songs. I mean, true there are minimum two songs per regular episode devoted to love, but have we actually focused on love songs for a whole episode? Oh…we have? Several times. Like, just a few weeks ago for our “Yes/No” episode. Hmm…I should really stop playing Angry Birds during these meetings.

Well, speaking of “Yes/No” and marriage, we really do need to pay some attention to this mess we have made of character relationships. First up- Finn and Rachel.

Ugh, have we not written them out of the show yet? When do they graduate, again? Blah, they suck. We need to make this relationship rock solid. Or have it blow-up, I really don’t care which, as long as it gets them off the screen. 

I hear that. You know what can really kill a relationship…getting to know each other. Pooping, peeing, changing, making decisions about dinner, farting, having someone interrupt your alone time. Being in a relationship is the worst. How do we cause these kids to share that much space and time together. No rational parents would ever let their teenage children shack up, not even in Ohio.

What if the parents do some reverse psychology stuff. You know who is good at double crossing and mind games. Gays. Maybe this is the perfect time to introduce Rachel Berry’s two dads.

Really, I would have thought we would have introduced them at one of the big Show Choir Competitions. Or maybe when Kurt (Rachel’s BFF) was getting harassed. Or maybe in Principal Figgins’ office when she was suspended. Or almost any other time. This actually seems a little forced and inappropriate. Who would we ever get to be Rachel’s dads? If you remember in Season 1 Episode 1, Rachel had a picture in her locker clearly showing her two dads.

First, I cannot fucking believe you remember the first episode.

I have an Eidetic Memory. It is one of the many reasons I am better than you.

Second, I hear Jeff Goldblum is available and very interested in the show. I think he plays the piano and sings. 

Okay, he will do. If you remember, the dads are Black and Jewish. Those are mutually exclusive, by they way. Don’t go casting a big black jew.

Wow, that was kind of offensive. Anyway, I am friends with Brian Stokes Mitchell, maybe he will be the black guy.

Who the hell is Brian Stokes Mitchell?

No one knows or cares. You need a black who can clean up to look like a gay, I will get you one. Be forewarned, though, he is more cafe au lait than black.

As long as these actors are okay with being flamboyant. I am talking foodie references, catty fighting, lube jokes. They will be the scheming parents that encourage their kids to engage in “teenage love-making” in an attempt to break apart Fachel. Rinn. Whatever, let’s talk about religion.

Well, there was that Christian group that Quinn was part of before she got knocked up. Wasn’t that a thing.

Yeah it was. Also, I got this memo from Ryan Murphy that we need to incorporate another Glee Project winner into our show.

Fuck, we can barely find a use for the last Glee Project winner. That Irish bastard is an awkward, horrible singer with absolutely non acting talent. Watching that little leprechaun makes me want to vomit blood. If these goddamn Glee Project contestants were actually good at anything, they would have been famous already. Who is it this time?

That guy with dreds…Sam Larsen.

Never mind then, that guy is hot. Let’s do this. Wait, is he supposed to be the Christian, let’s do that, kill two birds with one stone.

We can do that, but he is covered in tattoos. We need to give him the same make-up we give Lea Michele to cover her 12 tats.

No, I think we can work it into the plot somehow. The one across Sam’s Chest reads “I will love thee, O Lord, my strength” and he has “Jesus Christ” on the back of his neck. Permanently scarring your body in the name of God is hardcore. Maybe no one will notice that to get tattoos one must 18 years old. I mean, the audience has not made a fuss about all the other grossly wrong things we do on this show, I am sure this will slip by as well.

Well, I also think we should pay some kind of tribute to Whitney Houston.

Isn’t it too soon?

Not if we add a nice little note at the end of the show. But make sure that when Mercedes sings it, it is note for note exactly like Whitney. I want every warble and breath to be exactly like Whitney Houston. Whenever Mercedes sings a song by a well know African-American female I want it to be like karaoke.

Are we missing anything? Any last minute story lines we can mention in this episode only to drop for months?

Yeah, remember Karofsky? Well, since that other gay Sebastian is going to be gone for a while, we should bring Karofsky back.

We should mix up the religion and the homosexuality of the show! how will this new character like how totally gay everything is. Will he join the Glee Club? Should we make him gay?

Slow down. And yes to everything you just asked. Do we have time to highlight how the Changs are the only stable couple in all of Glee.

I don’t think America cares about them. So they can have one song. ONE. 

I saw we through in some white-boy rap and end this.

I assume by “white-boy rap” you mean Artie. Artie always raps.

Yes to Artie and also, one of the other dudes, I don’t care who.

Can I end the show with some kind of dance party? Maybe to the song that every teenager in 2011 loves — Love Shack!!!

Sure, whatever. Look, I have to go get my Red Bone Coon Hound from doggie day care, so let’s just fill in the gaps later, okay?

Okay, until next time.

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