Glee: Season 3, Episode 12 – Ricky Martin’s Available

Another week, another chance to take a look back at Glee’s writers room. You know, that place where plots go to die, guest actors go to die, and your favorite songs go to thrive. Just kidding they die too. Will we find out what happened to Lauren Zises this week? Will someone new become pregnant (spoiler: sort of) but then become involved in an adoption triangle? The only way to know is to listen in, and luckily for you we’ve bugged the room:

Well naturally we should focus on Will as a teacher this week, as that’s the only opportunity I can think of to include sexy sexy Ricky Martin and his sexy sexy teeth. Should Will and Ricky have sex? They should right? Anyway, it’s pretty clear that Will’s a terrible [Spanish] teacher, at least in some part because he spends every waking moment either coaching the glee club or confusing us with who his love interest is.

Oh, I have a crazy idea! What about night class glee club? Because people who take night classes totally have extra free time, and the fact that they are taking night classes in the first place totally doesn’t at all imply that they are busy with things like working and raising children during the normal course of the day. Surely they have time for a glee club. I just wanted to make sure we all knew how plausible this was. Which is very.

Yes, plus we need more glee clubs for New Directions to compete against. We literally cannot stop ourselves from adding glee club upon glee club. Lima is just spilling over with mediocre singing and dancing talent.

Not that we can see into the future — although I suppose Fox can make broadcast decisions for us — but perhaps this won’t be the best week to debut an episode that not so slightly references the exchange of bodily fluids between a teacher, coach, and/or student.

Remember all those recent episodes where we had the novel idea to cement music into the first few moments of the episode, seeing as how this is a — you know — singing show? Well I’m tired, so let’s forget about that.

Forget about what?

Will/Sue-heavy character development it is!

Wait wait wait, we’re saying this one random Ohio high school has a history of national champion cheerleaders AND synchronized swimmers? Once again, I just wanted to point out how plausible our ideas are.

OH FUCK, should we do a Latin songs-only episode?! It’s totally not a way to completely milk our dwindling Latin audience at all. No, not at all. And it absolutely won’t be boring.

Ricky Martin was available (see above).

Yah because he’s so busy otherwise…

He should sing some random (or famous? I literally have no idea since I speak English) Ricky Martin and/or Menudo song. With lots of like, English, even though it’s ostensibly in Spanish. Girl he/we gotta pay the bills.

[sounds of vomiting] Sorry, y’all. Something just not agreeing with me about the way we’re writing this episode. Maybe it’s the absence of Darren Criss, or maybe it’s the “wiggle wiggle” dance abomination someone wrote in the margin. Oh god, it’s coming back up. [more vomiting] I need to cleanse my throat. Someone…quick…write a banging slutty Cheerios dance number. Throw in Nene Leakes too. I think she’s “available” this week as well, unless she’s opening up another airport Famous Famiglia. And either way, we don’t need talented acting. Just really good hair and shots of her from the waste up only.

Oh god! I have a brilliant idea! We should throw in a joke about Kurt having his period! It is both 1) so, so funny and 2) will totally not alienate every single viewer who has yet to devote his or herself to this trainwreck genius of a show!

Brilliant, brilliant idea! But you know what would make it better? If Rachel threw it in Kurt’s face that not only is she carelessly marrying her high school “sweet heart,” but also that he and Blaine couldn’t get married even if they wanted to, since Ohio doesn’t have equal rights? It’s seriously totally in character for this show. Oh wait, no it’s not. It is? I can’t tell anymore. I can’t tell anything anymore.

Shut up! This is episode is about Spanish. Spanish songs. So many of them. Not a non-Spanish song in the mix. Nope! No English whatsoever will be vocalized.

Theme episodes!

Side note: Mercedes standing directly in front of Trouty Mouth and singling loudly while looking deeply into his eyes wouldn’t count as talking, right? I don’t even have to ask. Wow, have we been here for only…25 minutes!?!? It feels like forever. A lifetime, wasted. Did someone order my fish tacos yet?

That’s not funny.

Let’s do a Ricky Martin mashup! Because we can literally not think of any other major male Latino vocalists. Because there are none. “Muy,” by the way, means “money.”

It means “more.”

I muy want to kill myself.

You know what’s an excellent reason to have a child? To be “good for” the mother. Children absolutely should be brought into this world to improve the lives of their parents. I think we should incorporate this some how. Straight people problems.

One of the best and shockingly realistic decisions we’ve made this season (other than including the bitchy, pretty, petty, young gay rival for Kurt) is implying Finn is going to go die in Afghanistan. It is absolutely in character, and a great way to write him off the show, but…


But…should we maybe backtrack and have him consider going to a college in…wait for it…New York? It absolutely worked for Saved by the Bell, so I can’t see why it won’t help extend the life of Glee as well.

I can’t remember what’s the rule about Jane Lynch’s vagina? How many times are we contractually obligated to mention Jane Lynch’s vagina. I think Jane Lynch’s vagina is supposed to be mentioned at least twice or thrice per episode. Can an intern please go look that up? And bring me my fish!

Emma’s pamphlets deserve their own single-purpose blog. Someone get on that please. They are a window into her soul. Her boring, boring soul.

I can’t think of a good way to introduce this obnoxiously pandering Ricky Martin / laser light show number the choreographers are considering. So yah let’s just forego any introduction and jump-cut to it. Satana’s Latina right? Or black? Spanish. She’s Spanish. Mexican or something. Anyway, she has brown skin, so throw her in there. And make sure everyone’s pants are shiny. Latin = leather. Say, when are we going to write a hentai / Pokemon episode featuring Other Asian.

I’m halfway there, dude.

This script is definitely not stereotypical enough, even for us. Oh I know! A matador / Elvis-inspired musical number that double bores the audience! Our job is done here.

Shut up! Santana’s due for some Lima Heights Adjacent realness. Let’s have her point out how terrible Will is and yet somehow compliment him on his excellent glee coaching (which, side note: he’s actually a pretty bad glee coach). And I’m going to just go ahead and pencil in “Taint Misbehavin'” as the Japonopop drag stage name for next week’s episode.

[A window opens. A rush of air fills the writers room. Seconds later the unmistakable sound of a body crashing into a car, followed by its alarm sounding, can be heard.]

Wow…it’s really getting dire in the writers room. But we have…just so much to live for! You know, like…iTunes royalites.


2 thoughts on “Glee: Season 3, Episode 12 – Ricky Martin’s Available

  1. Jerch says:

    You’re right!
    I think Becky might be one of most realistic characters, though.

  2. nobody says:

    Hey, what about mentioning Becky ratting out Sue? That was totally plausible.

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