Craigslist Mattress Killer

Apparently, the only thing people do not search Craigslist for is a mattress. If you want to bang a stranger, find a used iPod or buy all the contents of a random storage unit: Craigslist will have people beating down the digital doors — but my mattress? Nope.

Allow me to explain.

With only a few weeks notice, my nursing assignment in Seattle was not renewed, and I would have to move on to a new location. Since I do have a mostly gypsy lifestyle, I do not have much to get rid of; everything I own fits in my station wagon. Except my mattress.

So as soon as I could, I posted a simple ad on Craigslist. “Free Mattress.” I described this queen as both stain and odor free. I notified the public that I was moving and that I was a nurse — hell, nurse is a trusted profession, surely this would indicate that I was not trying to unload a bed-bug infested mess to the masses!

I had no takers. A week passed. I reissued my plea to the internets, and still nothing. It was infuriating not because I thought that a perfectly good mattress was going to waste, but because I did not want to be responsible for moving and disposing of it. See, mattresses are kind of heavy. And awkward. And hard to move. And big. On top of all that, apparently, one cannot just bring the mattress to the dumpster or leave it for the garbage men to pick up. No, to get rid of a mattress, I guess Seattle expects you to call someone and pay them to dispose of things? Fuck that, it sounded expensive.

So, after Craigslist was a no go, I tried other agencies, like the Red Cross, Seattle Community Network and Sacred Heart Shelter. No one wants a mattress. I was starting to take this personally. Did I sound dirty over the phone, like someone who’s body would be covered with lice and filth? What is a girl to do!!?

Well, this girl decided that it was time to secretly dump parts of the mattress set across the city of Seattle. And I would do it in the most suspicious and creepy way possible.

First, I got up at 3am. I dismantled the two twin-ish box springs and carried them down to the parking garage. And by carried, I mean dragged. They were not heavy, but awkward, so I piled them, unseen, into the elevator and down to my car. I had to bungee one to the roof and slid the other into the back. I was also afraid of cameras somehow catching me on video, so I put duct tape over my licence plate and wore a wig for good measure. Now…now I was ready to search for an adequate dump site.

And dump I did. Three separate locations, two loads to my car and I was complete. My midnight endeavor was over.

I was telling my brother about it when he compared what I did to something a serial killer would do. Sure, he had just started watching Dexter, so I am sure serial killing was fresh on his brain, but still, he was right. Dismantling a bed-corpse only to don a disguise and dump various parts in poorly lit, vacant areas of a city. Yup, creepy.

Add the fact that every few minutes, I would look around for any witnesses, eerily glancing into the darkness for unfamiliar eyes. I am sure if someone saw me, they would not have cared; people dump mattresses all the time. But, the fact I was so suspicious and cautious probably drew more attention to the whole situation.

In fact, I am sure that people did see me skulking around in the wee morning hours. And they didn’t care. I probably could have done this act in broad daylight, and no one would have given two shits about it. But if there is one thing I have learned from all those crime dramas, it is don’t get caught, a sentiment that I hope carries over if I ever decide to commit a real crime I never have to use again.

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