Another week, another ridiculous show to write.
This is getting hard…
I know, I know, but I have a surprise for all of you. We have spent a lot of time on storylines about babies and ladies and the gays. I think we should focus on some really manly things. You have all known me for a long time — when I say manly, what do you think I mean?
Michael Jackson? Oh! And strippers?
Nailed it. I feel so close to all of you. Okay, so there is where we will end up. Let’s plan how we get there.
First I think we should shine some light on Quinn.
Well, she has really gone dark this season…for some reason we have not explained at all. Let’s make her do something nuts, like blackmail Idina Menzel.
God, is she still on the show? Has that classy Broadway bitch not left in disgust yet? She was Effalba for, Christ’s sake!!
You know, will all this lady drama, we are veering away from our decision to man things up.
So let’s throw some dudes up in the mix. How about the Skanky Gay?
How about Trouty Mouth? Despite how overly effeminate his lips are and how no one remembers his real name, he is kind of manly.
Not manly enough…but, if we make him a stripper, which is, of course the manliest of professions, I think that should balance things out.
Yes. Yes, Bob…crotch. Trouty Crotch for everyone.
Is that enough, though? Maybe he should sing a manly song. Something Country. And maybe hints at drinking. Fraternity! A masculine pimp cup if you will…
Jungle Fever is also super manly, so we should reignite the romance between Mercedes and Trouty.
You remember, that romance was never explained, neither was the break-up. Or why Trouty moved away. Just sayin’.
Oh, have they had sex? I mean, we should hint at it, like, Mercedes should say something that implies Trouty was inside her. Sex between them, while hot, would not be important enough for a whole show.
While we are the subject of straight men who have sex we don’t care about — what about the Asian Dancing Kid? What is his deal?
He is still fighting with his family about dancing. Either way — we need to make sure that those parents are so devout in their old-country cultural beliefs but that none of them has an accent. The whole family needs to be so assimilated to America that the idea that they would deny their son something based on rote Chinese societal roles would be ironic.
You know what else is ironic? That dancing takes years of intense practice and training, often in expensive classes. Parents who are so invested in their child’s future but failed to notice his skill are ridiculous.
Okay, I think that is about enough of all this character development. Hahaha….sorry, I just thought it was funny that we even tried to develop these people. Aren’t half of them graduating and getting written off the show? MUZAK TIME!
Oh yeah, apparently Sectionals is happening, whatever that is.
Alright we have that red-lipped whore from the kinda watched The Glee Project. We have a contractual obligation to show her in a few more shows. God I hate her.
So, we put her in front of some dancers and make sure she is the only person to sing a single note.
We now have the two groups from McKinley High.
Well, the “Trouble Tones” clearly need to be amazing. Mercedes, Santana, all the dancing ladies from the Cheerios. The song choice needs to be amazing, in fact, make it a mash-up! Really lady it up, because I then want the manliness of “The New Directions” to rape the hell out of the more deserving team.
“The New Directions” need some more super manly songs to sing and win this Sectionals. As we have mentioned before, Michael Jackson — may he rest in peace — is the manliest, sexiest man alive. In fact, pretty much every Jackson on Earth — Tito, Janet, Jermaine, LaToya — is sexually charged and amazing. Every song needs to be a Jackson song. Get on that.
You know, I will do anything you ask because I am so goddamn happy that this will practically be a Rachel-less episode.
Well, throw in some magical sex dancing, get more random background dancers, and I think we have a totally watchable show. Not great, not even good, but not bad at all. I am sure that pretty much no one will have anything to say about it.