American Horror Story: Episode 9

American Horror Story has really jostled with our emotions and its own credibility. I can hardly believe it’s been only eight episodes until now, because it feels like an entire season has transpired. We start off with a charming flashback to 1940’s LA, which, OK, you always get me. The scratchy, Orson Wellsian music. I will never not love that. “I’ll have a gimlet please.” And we have what’s his face from Sports Night, whatever happened to you? And Mena Suvari! Remember when she was sort of a big deal? Oh how times have changed.

This episode was even more fast-paced and plot-packed than the two previous episodes, which is saying something. But what? Well, I would say that this week the “more is more” philosophy paid off. It was kind of deliriously fun to watch.

The show is definitely quickening, and I wonder how much of that feeling is just how slow it was in the first few episodes. It doesn’t so much bother me. There is already enough mystery. I’m glad questions are being answered; it’s just that sometimes they’re not the questions I’m asking.

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No albumen prints were harmed in the making of this program…

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Can’t be a coincidence that Murder House has played host to apparently at least three medical “professionals.” Interesting or trite that they’re cleanly three different doctors (OBGYN, Dentist, Psychiatrist)? I’m surprised Dermot doesn’t try and weasel his way into being Tammi’s doctor in this case.

No, it can’t be a coincidence: and all the types of doctors that stereotypically abuse their patients while alone with them! I don’t know that I will ever recover from seeing Will Bailey of the West Wing’s post-coital climb off the corpse of Mena Suvari. BUT, I love the idea that she is attempting to resuscitate her career by playing a dead woman. Can we expect an American Pie Horror Story straight to DVD movie in the future?

American Beauty Horror Pie Story. She can’t be in a major project unless it has “American” in the title. Yep, nailed it. Someone call Kevin Spacey’s agent. The house sure does seem to get lucky with all these medical professionals, though.

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Did Constance paint the mural in Murder House? If she’s looking for representation, I may be able to hook her up…

Ha ha, I was loving her painting! Drunkenly channeling 15th century German vanitas paintings! So obscure.

I got a nice The Garden of Earthly Delights vibe. More please. I like to imagine Constance actually has a Masters in 15th Century German Art. The scheming and killing was always a sort of side interest, until she met Murder House that is.

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“It’s cool; I can’t get pregnant.” ORLY…? Spoooooooky!

OMG, I loved when Hayden (AKA, Mistress #1…I think she gets a name by now) barged into the kitchen meeting with her sister, the detective, and Dermot. It’s about time the spirits started stepping in where it counts. I also like that she has a clear objective, but I hate that Dermot still doesn’t believe fully that she’s dead (she says reassuringly, “don’t worry, I had the abortion” as if that was the only hurdle in their relationships besides, well, life). What happened to him burying her body? Does he think Burny Face bought a Real Doll in her image?

Yeah, Dylan McDermot McDumbass is really having a hard time catching up! Everyone else has figured out that they are living in a house of ghosts but him. Side note: I’m also loving Hayden, but don’t you think the cop and her sister accepted her explanation pretty quickly? Especially the sister. I would expect a lot more crying/screaming/accusations in such a situation. (I realize it is silly to point out this inaccuracy in a show about ghosts, but still, it bugged me.)

No, that’s true. For having disappeared for apparently weeks, not to mention, you know, telling her sister that she was pregnant with a married man’s baby…she sure reacted nonchalantly as if obviously her sister wouldn’t come looking for her.  I guess when you have a lot of mindless murder-sexiness keeping you preoccupied, the little things — like your loved ones — slip through the cracks. Or maybe her death/curse prevents her from really seeing anything else? Or she was just this bitchy in real life.

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How do you think he will explain away the wonky-eyed maid’s transition from hottie to nottie? Or, will he indeed “see things as they are” and help out poor Tammy?

Oooohhhhh, snap! So Dermot has been seeing Squinty Maid as her younger self this whole time? I just assumed he saw both, but when he was, you know, feeling freaky deaky, he’d see the younger sexier version. Loves it, in spite of the cheezy, “you’re finally seeing things…” line.

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This week’s rewind moment for me was definitely the revelation that Tammi’s having “hetero-paternal super fecundation” twins. In dumb-people terms, bitch got knocked up by two dudes in one night. This is some serious CSI/Jerry Springer shit here. Will they battle each other in the womb? Will one be preternaturally interested in polymers while the other blacks out at a moment’s notice?

I’m definitely seeing an evil twin/ bad seed/ Macauley Culkin vs. Elijah Wood thing developing with the twins. (BTW: I know you know who I thought of when that little tidbit was revealed.)

Um, I literally do cite The Good Son in reference to my, ahem, family members all the time. It’s a really useful reference!

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Hmm, so I will admit I needed to crack open the Wikipedia and remind myself who Elizabeth Short / The Black Dahlia was. Gruesome, and good job, AHS, for bringing a little piece of reality onto the show. If you have a cocktail named after you, then I think you’ve made it. Break out the ether! Small complaint, though, is it credible that Hayden would be so knowledgeable?

I actually really loved the Black Dahlia thing, and hope that they develop a Constance’s Boyfriend murder investigation plot, perhaps even accusing Dylan McDermott Mulroney of being a copycat serial killer. (A girl can dream!) Hayden I guess could be kind of smart, since she was in school when she met her married boyfriend. Or, she may have seen that Scarlett Johanssen vehicle from a couple years back.

The Nanny Diares? I totally see it. If all it took for you to complete your dissertation was cheating on your husband with an older, probably deranged, not very good physician — probably killing a few people along the way — wouldn’t you? I’ve heard/read that the Black Dahlia thing is polarizing among fans.

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Would Tammi really be tied up and drugged like that? I guess in the context of the show (not that I’m accepting it), she has shot her husband in a hallucinatory daze. Still. Shouldn’t Morris Chestnut be investigating Dermot somehow? Or monitoring him with the surveillance cameras maybe? Speaking of, is there any reason to believe Hayden’s assertion that Morris is one of the two Baby Daddies? I assumed it was Tate/Latex Man and Dermot himself. Maybe there will be some hilarious birthing scene in a few months where Tammi gives birth to two obviously not-white children: one is half African-American while the other is half-Latex American. Morris Chestnut does not actually deny sleeping with Tammi. He merely states that he’s “shooting blanks” and thus couldn’t possibly be Baby Daddy #2. Interesting. Maybe he’s just messing with Dermot, though.

Hmmm, I didn’t even question that it was only Tate and D.Mc.D.M. but Morris Chestnut was pretty weird in that scene, not really copping to whether he patrolled Tammy’s front yard, if you get what I’m saying. I feel like it is strange that Morris Chestnut has seemingly given up on her after obviously being into her: why was he even a character if that was going to go nowhere?

I do not like where you are going with this front yard thing. I think it leads to a place where Morris Chestnut is not the handsome, loving, cuddly, macho slab of man-meat he so clearly is in my fantasy…dyah, I mean what? What’s happening? Recap, oh right.  Yes, I agree it was bizarre how he responded to D.Mc.D.M. both because he didn’t really answer in the most direct way (for no obvious reason), but also the delivery made me think he had definitely already forgotten about her. It was a sort of, “I’m already bummed that Viv didn’t work out, and now you’re accusing me of cheating? Aww, naw, this is bullshit.”

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Constance’s Kitchen. Put a bird on it.

I have her table.

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Male Model doesn’t question why he was banging Hayden in a nice bedroom the first time, but they are now on literally the floor of a basement? Red. Flag.

Dumb as a doorknob. I kind of loved that Hayden basically killed him for being selfish in the sack (or, floor). But, why did Hayden kill him knowing he would come back and they’d be stuck there forever? Foresight, dear.

Maybe she gets off on murdering her partner/victim after sex, and she just wants more variety? Small point, but I think they could have found a cuter male model. Surely Ryan Murphy has an address book category devoted entirely to that. It’s title is something like “Boobies/Vaginas” to throw off his husband.

Which brings me to a sort of meta question: As an actor/actress, should you feel privileged if your character is killed off [in Murder House]? It’s one of the few instances I can recall where your character dying actually implies a long-term presence on a television show.

Ha! Good point.

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Violet doesn’t actually appear in this episode. Just saying.

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OMG, and then the Pope Box / Room of Tears! Whoosie doesit!? This show is getting seriously nuts. End Times?! I’m so hooked. More bang for your buck!

The Room of Tears and the crying Pope were my absolute favorite. Things are getting way biblical up in this murder house!

I am pitching an idea for a film project and am super pissed they stole my idea. It’s the sequel to Not Without My Daughter, entitled Not Without My Daughter 2: Double Trouble, with an option to turn it into a trilogy. It stars Sally Field, of course, but with Benjamin Button digital makeup to give her a mid-90’s appearance. In between the two films, Field has been impregnated by Alfred Molina [again] and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. “Why does she keep going back to Iran?” Sarah Michelle Geller would play the non-Latex Baby, all grow’d up and ready to kick demon ass, in the third film Not Without My Daughter 3: Antichrist Reloaded 3D Goes to Hawaii the Musical Legend of the Guardians.

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