Once Upon a Time: Episode 6

Soap Opera viewers across the world, come together and rejoice at the latest episode of Once Upon a Time! What you thought was a well-rounded hour long drama has, instead, turned into a full-fledged, balls-out telenovela.

This episode is to focus on the lives of Prince Charming. Prince James Charming. Yeah. He has a first name.

In the before-time (pre-curse, if you will), Charming was a dragon-slaying bad-ass. I know this because there were copious fight scenes! What every drama needs is knights in shining armor and fire-breathing monsters. Let me stop right here and inform you that the graphics in these scenes were some of the worst I have ever seen in my entire life. The actors were clearly in front of a green screen and there were better dragons in the commercials for SKYRIM. Nice try, magic.

I know what you are thinking, audience. Um, “cynical writer lady….what about knights and dragons makes this show a soap opera?” Good Question, allow me to explain in great detail. And don’t call me cynical, douche.

  •  Amnesia. Ah yes, this ridiculous plot device has been used for ages in all various kind of daytime dramas. It is lazy and disproportionate for head wounds. Where are my developmental delays and slight retardation? It is only on TV that a traumatic brain injury = amnesia. In a show where a curse has already given all the residents memory loss, adding amnesia to the scenario is overkill.
  • Spoiler Alert. This episode also involves secret identical twins! Not to give too much away, but it is a Prince and the Pauper kind of situation. And the Prince is totally not Prince Charming. Nailed it.
  • Spoiler Alert #2. The Evil Queen is banging the sheriff. The Snow White Teacher is trying to bang both the doctor and the amnesiac. There was crying and a love triangle and threats and true love. The writer’s have done everything they can to remind us that the love of Snow White and Prince Charming yields to neither time nor memory. Their love can be felt through the expanse of eternity because they are truly soul mates.  That kind of love shit belongs in daytime TV.
  • The heroine of this story (some royal bitch I don’t care about) is supposed to be a young and beautiful princess but in reality, she doesn’t look a day under 35. Saggy old lady-actors ineffectively playing much younger roles. Soap Opera.
  • Spoiler Alert #63. This episode also includes drum-roll King Midas. But wait! King Midas is totally not a fairy tale character, is he? I mean, call me a nerd, but my brains tell me that this story, instead, I believe is better categorized as a Greek Myth. Of all the Grimm characters to choose from and the writers decide to get into mythology? Ugh — poorly researched plot lines stink of Soap Operas.

So, that is my feeling of this week’s episode. If you like Grey’s Anatomy (bad medicine) or Desperate Housewives (sex scandals) or Xena (Mythology) then you should totally keep watching. If, however, you have dignity or, literally, anything better to do…get out while you still can.

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