Warm up those pipes because things are about to get real Gleeful!
So how do we get all of the characters back into the glee club, now that we’ve spent so much time unnecessarily splitting them up?
Well, we could have Finn blackmail Santana, you know because that is what a teenanger would realistically be capable of.
You mean, because we’ve already done it numerous times, and it is thus canon?
When did Rachel’s bangs become so unsexy? At their incorporation, they were sort of a sexual awakening for the character. Now they’re altogether frumpy dumpy.
Oh, were you asking me? Because obviously I’m as gay as the day is long.
Oh, me? Yah, I’m a total ‘mo too.
[gazing into a mirror] Surely, I wasn’t talking to myself, was I? I should call my mother.
Excuse me, Mr. Murphy, but your HeliUnicorn is here.
Don’t talk to me in that tone! Be gone!
[The muffled sound of autumn leaves falling on the tympanic membrane of a manatee is briefly interrupted by the sucking zap of a matter/anti-matter eruption in the space-time continuum. All that remains after a few seconds is a cloud of purple haze and a note depicting a small goat stating simply “I’ll be baaaaaaaahck.”]
Um, so anyway…OY TO THE VAY do I have lots of Santana-isms saved up. Number one, “fetus-face.” I don’t know who that should be directed at necessarily, so maybe she should just say it under her breath at some point. Number seven, “gel-tervention,” which…looking around…maybe could apply to this room, hmmkay? [snaps]
It’s absurd that Kurt could come across in his daily life such an obviously custom sweater/pullover garment, right? Oh fuck that, these costume designers need to eat!
Plus, with this first craptastic song we’ll be able to incorporate more of what all of
white tween girls America wants, which is clean white boys rapping.
Is it too late to inject into this show a meta Sue Sylvester isn’t a lesbian though she seems to be, by all scientific analysis element? I mean, her character and obviously the actress who portrays her totes love the vag, but at least it’s an opportunity to throw in a casual Putin reference?
Or Eric Stoltz (a frequent Glee director…we’re so meta!) for that matter.
John Lynch is a lesbian you say?
She’s like a barnyard in a bite.
It’s awesome to make fun of overweight people when we’re faceless Fox goons!
I agree. Now pass that chicken, as long as it’s inside a duck which is itself inside a turkey.
What I would love to do at this point is insert a totally in-character, totally sexy, totally watchable version of “I’m the Only One” with Puck and his mohawk-bangs.
Jeez, no one’s stopping you!
I know, I know. I just thought I should warn everyone when I include a, you know, totally appropriate musical number.
Wait, wait, wait. So ostensibly everyone in this episode is supposed to be helping Santana come out of the closet, because they’re personally OK with her being a lesbian?
Right, because you know, coming out is totally a group experience where others customarily dictate the terms.
Yes, this is how it’s done.
Oh, I see. Because I had this weird dream where Santana came to terms with her sexuality on her own terms, but then I realized how absurd that would be, musically. It’s not like there are countless feminist empowering ballads available for licensing on iTunes.
Moneys, moneys, MONEYS!
So should we derail this whole Puck/Shelby romance plot line with yet another love-triangle including Quinn?
Oh you so crazy, I think I wanna have yo baby!
Hmm…good note. I’ll include that later on. Babies make every arc meaningful, afterall.
Uh, yikes, should we maybe take out this ill-placed reference to the tragic suicide of Jamey Rodemeyer…I mean I think there is still time, with the magic of nonlinear digital editing, and all.
Nonsense, nonsense. Admiral Murphy has let it be known that Empress Glee is the harbinger of the gayification of America, and we shall allow nothing to stand in its way.
I think you are mixing metaphors and references there, but I mean I guess I understand the underlying vibe; we shouldn’t drop the cause when tragedy strikes. It’s preventable but maybe inevitable.
With all this heady talking and, what’s the word…oh yes, character development, I almost forgot this was a show about singing.
Seengeeng? What’s that? Jokes, jokes! I’m only kidding. Well, I’m half kidding. Songs are words with a melody?
It’s like when you take a universally loved and often credibly sampled song, like “Girls Just Want to Have Fun,” and butcher it with a Kyle XY reject.
That, my friends, is called excellent writing.
Still, I’m moved by the underlying message here, and it’s not like Naya Rivera can’t convey the complex emotions — be they contrived in the way we’ve written them or not.
Brittany should definitely do the Macarena at some point.
Is it unfair how much attention we are placing on Kurt’s need to win the election so that his entrance into NYADA, and thus his future, is assured? Aren’t we saying at the same time that Brittany and the hockey dude will have the same problem, because only one can win?
Besides the absurd notion that winning a high school election has any bearing on anything ever (although it does seem that way at the time), I disagree. How else to introduce a Coach Beiste rendition of the iconic “Jolene?” We literally have no choice.
Well…that’s one way to put it. I actually do like the vocals we’ve heard from Dot Jones. She is not terrible. It’s of course one of Dolly’s more manly songs, and the lyrics make sense in the context we’ve created for the poultry-enthused football coach.
No time to talk, it’s time to ressurect “I Kissed a Girl!”
And I liked it?
No one wants to hear about your freshman year at Swarthmore, Bruce.
Wait, why are Rachel and Tina singing with The Trouble Tones? Because they are girls?
Shhh, you shut up now! This is Katy Perry, and nothing can stand in the way of our iTunes profits.
And, um, the seemingly less and less plausible burgeoning relationship between Puck and Idina Menzel — bone structure and Jew heritage aside.
Are you throwing shade?
I do actually really appreciate that Santana lies to everyone and says that she’s come out to her family when in fact we don’t see it until later, adorably and realistically over a home-cooked meal. My coming out was actually over my mother mopping the kitchen floor, which was mundane yet appropriate in its realness. Sadly, I think Santana must leave (although she’s done the right thing and revealed her secret) because this is what would probably happen in real life.
Oh, Lima Heights Adjacent.
Since when did Puck become so incredibly able to read deeply into his compatriots’ pysches?
Yah, remember when he cleaned pools and scoored cougars?
Pssh, posh, teenange romance!
Was this show about music at some point?
Moo-zack? This is where lips move and vocal cords vibrate?
I think I have heard of it.
I want to go to there.
And side note, my high school’s mascot was unusually the unicorn. Just saying. Sometimes, things work out.
And constant craving has always been maybe a great magnet for all souls towards truth. Or maybe it is life itself, leads wisdom to its youth. Constant craving has always been craving.
RACHEL MIGHT BE BANNED FROM SECTIONALS.