Once Upon a Time: Episode 4

One more week and one week closer to this show being cancelled. JOKES!

Last week I asked the drama gods to introduce me to more characters and, kazaam this episode opened up with a Cinderella/Rumpelstiltskin baby mama drama. I surprisingly totally loved this plot line. In both timelines, Cinderella is obligated to give her first-born child to Rumpelstiltskin. I wish the show did not gloss right over how this makes Rumply seem like a pedophile (a grown-ass single man wanting a bunch of kids around his house? That shit got Michael Jackson arrested) because that could be an awesome side-plot. Oh well.

We find out that Princesses all know each other, and a few of them show up at Cinderella’s wedding. Snow White also has messenger blue birds (cute!) and Emma Snow (bounty hunter turned Storybrooke heroine) gets sucked even deeper into this fairy tale world.

I got really annoyed that this episode is all about contracts and adoption law, and it seems the writers never once thought about contacting an actual lawyer. I mean, Christ, a casual watcher of Peoples Court would know that the contract litigation in this show was all wrong. Yes, yes, I understand that my overall dislike of this fairy tale show is that it lacks realism.

I also want this show to grow up a bit. I mean, in The Lion King and Bambi, things totally died. I guess what I am saying is that I want some more death. I go from watching American Horror Story and The Walking Dead — which are about the darkest things on television at the moment — and I want some of that darkness in this show. The Evil Queen is supposed to be all badass, but the most she does is have the protagonist’s car towed. The Queen makes threats to literally everyone in the town, but all she has are poison apples? Ooooh, Spooky. The subject matter in some old school tales were quite adult. Do you need examples? Done.

– Being held captive (for straw/gold spinning, because the dude is a monster or because you have awesome hair)

– Getting eaten alive by a wolf or watching that wolf get murdered at axe-point by a woodsman (your choice)

– Baby-snatching and baby-bartering

– Baking and eating two young children who come to admire your cookie house

– Being raped over and over by the Beast

– Really hideous swans

– Hardcore hot porridge eating and light napping

Okay, I kind of got a little ridiculous there at the end, but still…I am asking for this show, which airs in Primetime (though at 8pm) to get with the programming trend of scaring me or making me horny. Stop straddling the line between children and adults. Have Snow White show her boobs. Let the Evil Queen explode someone’s head. So far, the most terrifying thing has been Rumpelstiltskin’s teeth.

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