Glee: Season 3, Episode 5

You know what subject we have not fully addressed in this season of Glee?

Why Trouty Mouth left? Where is Lauren Zizes? Why Puck, with his criminal record thinks he can ever get custody of a baby? Or how Emma’s therapy is going? Wait, I know, why we have never met Rachel’s gay dads and why they have not helped guide Kurt in his struggles?

Shut up. No, sex, we need to talk about sex. Remember, while the actors themselves are all in their late twenties, the characters are actually confused and horny teenagers. Songs are often used by this age group to help them find focus and meaning in an otherwise inaccessible miasma of emotion. Let’s use songs to help the characters on this journey through sex!

Well, remember how the kids are doing a production of West Side Story — that is essentially Romeo and Juliet set to music sung by brown people — it should totally work as a plot device. Besides, after seeing West Side Story for the first time, I had sex afterwards, I mean, I was nine, but still, the story is epic.

Wow, you should save that kind of drama for the American Horror Story writers room. Anyway, it is true the story will remind people Rachel and Blaine and Kurt and Finn are all virgins.

No, not Finn, remember, he had sex with Santana, like, two seasons ago.

Wait, what? Hmm, I totally forgot all about that, we should definitely make a reference to that. Make Santana mention it in the most bitchy and negative way possible.

Ah, Blaine and Kurt are so cute together and, as the least annoying of the two couples, can we focus on them more? But, no talk about poopy penis or anything mentioning the word anus or fists or plugs or latex.  What we can do, though, is bring in some random character that is gay and also kind of a sexual deviant. He goes to gay bars and has random anonymous unprotected sex with strangers while rolling on E.

Seriously dude, I think you are writing for the wrong Ryan Murphy television series. I agree though, we need to write at least one character that plays off the fears of members of the Tea Party. Remember how much they loved that bully character until we made him a gay? What ever happened to him — he should make an appearance!

You know what else should make an appearance this episode? Blaine’s ankles. Every single pair of pants he wears should be way too short…get the wardrobe people on it!

Ah, Blaine. He is so awesome. He asks the important questions like “are we too sheltered as artists?” and agrees to “have relations on a bed of lilacs.” I mean, will the audience buy that he is indeed that gorgeous and awesome?

Nah, you’re right, we should make him do something really awful, like, maybe engage in some moderate back-seat rape? But play it down a lot, you know, make the forceful sex seem spontaneous and fun!

With all this love talk, I am sure that it will make Rachel and Blaine better performers in this love story.

Good point. To act like a lover, you need to be a lover. To act sad, you must be sad. You know that is why Joseph Gordon Levitt gave himself cancer for the movie 50/50 and why Meryl Streep killed one of her kids for Sophie’s Choice. True stories.

I remember reading that somewhere.

Okay, so we have the jist of this episode. We should spend some time focusing on Artie and maybe Other Asian, you know, because the fans seem to actually enjoy the show when we develop our characters…well, develop them until we write them out of the show for no goddamn reason. And I think we did a pretty good job of choosing songs…and, holy shit, we have SIX SONGS in this episode! Is that right? It seems like a lot!

Nah, it should be fine, I mean, the show is about singing, right?

Well, let’s get down to writing this out. I say that we try to keep it sweet and remember how losing your virginity with your first love can be a beautiful and lovely thing when done safely. The last thing we want is to have the Parents Television Council calling us “reprehensible” or feel that we are “celebrating teen sex.”

Um, it kind of seems that by focusing on this “first time” in such a romantic way that we are giving it much more importance than it deserves? I mean, we have sexed it up on this show before…remember, we had a whole episode about drinking lowering sexual inhibitions and another episode where we covered sex. We saw Finn and Artie both lose their virginity. In a way, isn’t this a subject we have beaten into the ground?

You sex it up like Mr. Murphy wants, and no one gets hurt. Just for your outburst of logic, I am going to make you write a whole extra plot line where Coach Beiste gets nailed for the first time. I hope that teaches you to keep your mouth shut. Are we all on the same page? Good, now write, monkeys!!

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One thought on “Glee: Season 3, Episode 5

  1. Jerch says:

    My question is, were we supposed to imagine there was penetration? For both? Who’s the top? I’m gonna say it’s Kurt.

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