The Amazing Race: Season 19, Episode 2

Preempted by twenty-two minutes of two old dudes curmudgeonly talking to each other is just loads and loads of fun, my darling Bill, but we have more important things to do. Namely: race amazingly!

Yes, Cathi! And by that you of course mean just barely finish the first challenge and survive only through a technicality. We have to stop those jerks, Cindy and her totally not gay husband, Ernie!

[Cut To: several scenes of the contestants opening their clue envelopes, mentioning the next destination at least six times in quick succession, and pointing out how unusual it is that it’s a double elimination…which doesn’t sound right, but no one will check]

Ethan, everyone hates us because we already won that other CBS reality competition show. I mean, it’s so unfair.

Y’ah I know, rayioght? We deserve two shots at $1,000,000. Mostly, though, I think they’re just jealous of how gorgeous you are.

I will stay with you until the cameras stop rolling and not a second longer.


[Cut To: tickets ticket tickets, plane plane plane, boring boring boring, destination chosen just so people could say the word “Jakarta” over and over again…it’s a fun word]

There isn’t enough drama yet in this episode, so should we cause unnecessary drama in the train station, Justin my brother (which I am using in a literal, not colloquial sense of the word)?

How are we, the surely most boring people possible, going to get edited the fuck into this episode otherwise?!

Wear matching magenta jumpsuits?

Bitch you crazy.

[Cut To: taxi taxi taxi, boring boring boring, everyone mentions “double elimination” several more times…sadly no one slips up and says “penetration”]

Ernie (Which, side note, that’s actually your name? I never noticed.), should we do the dancing in the street for money detour like everyone else is doing, or should we do the one where we park motorbikes, which will be much easier, obviously less embarrassed, most importantly not based on the kindness of strangers?

Yes, Cinds. Whatever you think. I’m calling you Cinds now, by the way. Say, where did Ron and Bill go?

[Cut To: lots of awkward camera time with a group of orphans, possibly appropriate bowing to said orphans, and the inevitable waiting for the slower teams to complete challenges the better couples already have…which by the way, seem to require this nation’s people to hand over cash to the comparatively rich americans…just kidding, it all goes to the orphans]

Your country is so welcoming, and I am not at all being condescending in saying so! High fives!

Zac, um, the clue says we’re supposed to hand over all our cash.

Because that makes sense, Laurence. It’s not at all a tricky and strange thing the producers would throw in to make sure one couple screws up.

Nope, dad. Not even the top three groups/most people in general. No siree.

Thanks, orphans!

They’re like what we’re all about!


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