Gossip Girl: Season 5, Premiere

Oy vey, are we really thinking of recapping Gossip Girl, now in its fifth season? It’s arguably the most ridiculous scripted show on television, and we just…can’t…keep…losing good music to being featured on this show. There are just so many times in one episode where you say to yourself, “wait, WHO told her to buy that medical marijuana,” that you realize there is no good answer. Nevertheless, we’ll give it a good try!

Should we make the entire first half of the episode one giant “previously seen on?” Because I mean, I’m a little confused at this point.

No time for that! We need to incorporate a flashy fantasy sequence first.

Remember how we alluded to Serena being interested in making movies? Me neither.

Should we make the entire first half of the episode one giant “previously seen on?” Because I mean, I’m a little confused at this point.

Err, um, are we repeated ourselves?

Well I never!

Remember that Marshall character we introduced? Me neither.

Should there be a prince or something at some point? Oh wait, there is one! There is one?

Obvs.

Should Rufus lose a ridiculous amount of weight, such that his age is indiscernible from his ostensible son? Wait, that’s not a question.

Yah, keep it together. It’s the show of our generation!

As always, let’s write in a broadcast-appropriate reference to real world events. United Nations?

What if it gets bombed?

Meh. Leggings!

BING. MUST BING SOMETHING. “Dear Bing, Is a red testicle norm…”

Hey, go Bing on your own time!

Sorry. I was…distracted by that fake Rothko in Blair’s apartment.

Should we maybe reference that whole Blair might be pregnant thing?

Yah, definitely. But how? How…? Hmm, maybe if we show an obnoxiously long text message on her hilariously outdated Blackberry, then someone…Dorata!…sees it. And then? And then she somehow reads the 8 sentences without having anyone notice and also deletes it?

Makes sense.

No it doesn’t.

Shhh.

Speaking of, we should update Serena’s Verizon phone to a white iPhone.

Speaking of vaginas, we should have hike her hemline up to her chin.

Agreed. It is the source of her power.

By the way, is there any reason why we’re pretending like Serena needs to 1) work or 2) think about working? I mean, clearly she can just pay her way to the top of nearly any low-budget movie project…

…which clearly this one we’re imagining is?

Yah.

Totes.

Best not to think about it.

Her “boss” is bad? What are we going for here? I mean, the actor your’e thinking of is utterly terrible. I can’t tell if he’s being ironic, sincere, or just confusing. And worst of all, he’s not even pretty. It’s the cardinal sin of our program!

Touchpad! HP TOUCHPAD! Must insert product placements at all costs, regardless of ironic irrelevance!

That sounds like an excellent vaginal cross-licensing opportunity.

What has Elizabeth Hurley been up to lately, by the way?

I can’t think anymore…must Skype with that hot dude from Stargate Universe. Me wants!

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