It’s the 19 millionth season of The Amazing Race, so get ready folks! Time to start things off in California…at a Japanese temple for no mentioned reason. Ford sponsorship! Probably Snapple too! What could go wrong?
Apparently the prize is still $1,000,000, which, I mean is not nothing, but it’s 2011 — shouldn’t it be like $5,000,000 at this point? Just saying.
There’s too much going on here, and since there are no writers to speak of, let’s instead go through the contestants and imagine what they’re thinking and saying about their competitors. Thankfully, the use of extraneous “y’s” and “k’s” are kept to a minimum in the names, and for whatever reason there are 11 sets of contestants. Why it’s not a full 24 people, we’ll never know. Maybe two died? Probably. Yah, let’s go with that. Alligator-related no doubt.
Amani & Marcus: I’m the hot former NFL athlete. And I’m his wife! We are going to win the race. Yah, actually, we probably will.
Bill & Cathi: We’re the old ones! Oh and guess what, we farm, so get ready to get schooled in the xtreme horse-insemmination challenge, beotches! Under no circumstances will we make it past the third episode. I’m tired.
Jeremy & Sandy: It’s sad that we’re described simply as “dating.” Also sad that we’re both divorced and otherwise are granted no other meaningful descriptions. True dat. Will we win? No, definitely not.
Ron & Bill: We’re both flight attendants, we both look exactly the same, and we are both gay as the day is long. We should probably design and have made our own matching polo shirts. Yes, obviously. Mark our words: no no no no way, no no no noooo way, weeeeer’re living without wining the Amazing Race. WERQ it.
Liz & Marie: It’s so weird being twins. Except not really that weird. I mean, we both dye our hair the same obnoxious color, for some reason. So there’s that.
Kaylani & Lisa: People look at us and think, “oh these Vegas cocktail waitresses are dumb.” Yah, but check out how academically we hold these red wine spritzers in a hot tub! Seriously, gurl. Everyone thinks we’re nothing but boobs and makeup. Well let me tell you something, audience, we’re…OK, wait, so we’re definitely those things. But we’re also, like, you know, women. With brains! And matching jewelry! We totally aren’t going to do anything stupid this episode.
Ernie & Cindy: I’m cute, Asian, and in control. And I’m clearly a homosexual. Watch for our new sitcom “The Dark Side” on Oxygen! Let’s start an alliance with Ron & Bill. Agreed.
Andy & Tommy: We snowboard. Like at the Olympics. For realz. It’ll totes come in handy in Zimbabwe. Tubular.
Ethan & Jenna: We’ve been on some other show. Cancer. It rhymes with Blurvivor. We somehow won it as a couple? Cancer. Or maybe we won separate seasons then met later on at some sort of reunion special? Hard to say. It was a blurry, blurry Blurvivor couple of years. Oh also, CANCER. We will overcome! It’s totally applicable to translating sacred Hindu texts and learning to plant pomegranates. Yah, same diff.
Laurence & Zac: Sadly one of us spells our name with an unfortunately lacking [and thus sort of rare] “k.” Yah I know, you should worc on that. Well there was that one time I let my son sail around the world solo. Which is, you know, definitely good parenting. We will win all boat challenges, though obviously there will now not be any.
Justin & Jennifer: We literally could not be more boring.