Glee: Season 3, Episode 1

Time-travelling back to the storyboarding of Glee’s third season premiere, we join the writers, already in progress… 

Wow, SEASON 3! Who would have thunk it? We certainly have a lot of ground to cover with this episode.

We can’t just explain all these catastrophic plot/character changes in a couple seconds of the intro. That’s nuts!

And didn’t we do this already?

If we repeat last year’s innovative [and by nature, no longer such] meta blog interview video, we can get away with it!

Oh you’re right. I forgot that if we point out problems, they are OK.

And now that that conceit is well-known, pointing them out is…?


Well for sure we shouldn’t start with a musical number. I mean, such a thing is unheard of in musical theater.

We couldn’t do that anyway; there hasn’t been a new Katy Perry single for weeks.

I’m pretty sure there has. Really? You’re sure? OK. Hmm.

What about that guy who sang that one Katy Perry song…you know, the only guy in the whole shit-ass show who can really really sing? You know, the one we pay the least as an actor, yet is above and beyond the crowd favorite.

Oh, Kurt?

No, the other one.


The other one!

Blaine? Sure, we can give him a song for sures, but not the opener…but something big, with lots of dancing. Preferably something released in 1969.

Did you realize that we can include the Cheerios in any musical number, despite their leader being the most hated and outspoken opponent of the Glee club? Because I didn’t until now, but ooh boy, does that come in handy!

Seriously. But they have to seamlessly color-coordinate.

Yah, duh.

Let’s not get ahead of ourselves and plan too much music.

Yeah, the producers want to make sure there are as few musical numbers in each episode as possible.

If there’s one thing the fans of Glee like, it’s nonmusical nondiegetic story development that we’ll forget about in 5 weeks regardless.

And let us not forget the contractual obligation we have that states Lea Michelle must sing or be prominently featured in every song in the show.

For shizzle!!

Is that racist?


Speaking of which, let’s kill off some black characters again.

Woh woh woh there. You realize we have like 1.5 as it is?

I guess.

Hmm, think think think…

Well last year we offed one black dude, added a super temporary Asian character, and then combined two other Asian character’s storylines into one. Is there some way we can emulate that?!

Without being obviously white-centric?

Oh, yes. Yes! Let’s not seem like that…?

Combine what black characters we have left into one plotline!

Genius! But aren’t they both girls? I mean, I’m not into lesbians, you know what I’m saying?

I don’t. But! What if we just throw that one fat bitch a bone and give her the only other black character? I mean he’s barely a recurring character.

But he’s black!

Who happens to be fat too!

Oh fuck, this is amazing!


Enough about black people. How are all of these musical numbers happening all over the school? I mean, in past episodes we have never needed to explain why Glee members burst into song, but I think we need an obscure plot device to move the songs along.

Well, do any of the actors in the show play piano?


Do any of the characters they portray play piano?

Not really.

Well then obviously we need to put big ass purple pianos all around the school for the kids to play.

Maybe we should try and find a way to tie these pianos into the story line further.

What are you talking about?

Well, ostensibly, we want to make an episode setting up this metaphor about cast-off pianos that are at their cores still capable of music, and vis-a-vis, love and confidence. You know, like our main characters. Would it have not made any sense to, I dunno, donate a bunch of pianos to a musical education charity or something?

[In the distance a shotgun’s unnaturally muffled blast is heard, a child scurries away, and the trailing edge of a rainbow can barely be discerned in the waning September moon. Somewhere, perhaps in the forgotten hideaway of an enchanted attic, that child’s imagination begins to blossom. Maybe it will be different this time. Maybe. But elsewhere, in deeper darker parts of the forest, a threat approaches.]

Fuck you. Pianos will be ruined, memories will be made. Singing will occaisionally happen…but where…where will the singing happen?

The cafeteria? But if we have it there, then I insist we have some kind of food fight.

We have to be sly about it though, I mean, we DO NOT want to draw a ton of attention to the fact that there is food around, or that it is a cafeteria or show any up close pictures of food (like spaghetti). It needs to be unexpected.

Sold. Also, aside from updating the viewers on things like, what ever happened to Trouty Mouth, or where is Lauren Zizes or What about Will and Emma…

Ah yes…what to do about them.

Do you think we include too much of the Will/Emma romance subplot?

By “too much” do you mean any at all? Because if so, then yes. Yes, there is too much.

How dare you! There’s nothing America wants more than barely likable, oddly effeminate broadway wannabes on a mostly teenage musical dramedy.

Oh my god, you’re totally right. What was I thinking?

We also need to prepare the fans for the inevitable: the seniors leaving.

Well, I don’t know about you, but the only seniors I give two shits about are Rachel and Kurt. So we should absolutely focus on only them and their struggle to get to NYC.

I loves that idea- I mean, they are the best-dressed, best-singingest, most-dramatic, flawless-skinned power couple on this show.

Damn, great word choice.

Yup, that’s why I am a writer. But maybe I should not have chosen the word “couple.”

No way, I think we can work with that. We have already mention beards, I think we should educate middle America about “hags.”

Perhaps a hilarious self help pamphlet will do the trick? I will call Gladys…she is our ironic and witty pamphlet craftswoman. She does great work.

Hey, remember that show….this summer THE one with GLEE contestants competing in a PROJECT…I can’t remember the name of it, let’s throw one of them up in the mix.

Should we make Kurt wear more than two plaids this episode?

Better not push it.

Yah, you’re right. This show could be misconstrued as gay.

As if.

OK, Rachel it is!

Yah then maybe Blaine.


Splooge. Any more ideas? I will literally take any suggestions.

Let’s give Beiste a whole chicken as her lunch and then just not at all make it obviously ironic in the slightest.

OK sounds good. Did you know she looks like that in real life?

No way.

What I am saying is that she is unloveable.

You don’t say! So the name is?

Yep…a pun!

Yes! Oh god, yes! More please!

Hey, did you know Lea Michelle isn’t Jewish in real life?

Her name is RACHEL!

Stay away from my family.

Focus monkeys! How will we end this episode. Ideas. Anyone?

A well-placed song from the iconic musical Hairspray?

You’re right!

Let’s forget all that messiness earlier.

Agreed. But can we also revise the direction of this song from its original intention, which was to use music and dance to highlight the absurdity of the opposition to interracial marriage, and instead turn it into a showcase for the ostensible star of our show, Lea Mic….sorry…RACHEL, RACHEL BARRY?

Yah, you’re so right on this one. I mean, you almost had me thinking we’d incorporate our various interracial dating subplots, but then I remembered — we don’t have those anymore!

See my genius now?

You can’t stop the beat!

Suddenly I see!

Okay, I think that about raps it up! Let me look at my notes…glitter bomb, political humour, fewer black people, mention Jewish stuff, show Puck doing pushups, Brittany non sequiturs, Slushie someone, Sue’s Corner, Down’s Syndrome….shit, I think we nailed this.

Cool, see you next week when we can bang out another successful episode.


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