The Drunken Movie Critic: Unstoppable

My dad loves trains. For reals, America. He collects them, he designs tracks, he buys little tank engines. If he saw this movie, he would weep like a little girl who lost her dolly. And that pisses me off.

I often, being uneducated in the ways of Hollywood, wonder who in the douche approves movies? Some CEO/producer something something. I only ask because I want to know how to address my pipe bomb. Kidding, FBI, only kidding.

Only I am not kidding.

The story follows a train that was accidentally left running in a train yard and became stuck on accelerate to go careening through the mountain towns of Pennsylvania loaded down with toxic waste or something. Hexavalent Chromium…no that was Erin Brokovich. Anyway, runaway train + other trains full of school children + towns + toxic cargo = movie…or does it? The action was mediocre, the character development paltry and the suspense was stagnant. Also, I looked up the actual ‘real event’ this movie was so loosely based on and cannot understand how this movie was sold for so many millions of dollars.

Denzel Washington- I am so sad for you…when I look at your career I am reminded more of Bruce Willis than, say Morgan Freeman (not racist). You have how many Oscars? Two? Earn them, dude and please don’t make me sit through any more of this garbage. You are better than this. You were better than the Book of Eli and the Taking of Pelham 123. Seriously. Stop this.

Chris Pine- who the fuck are you? Exactly.

Overall Grade- 55%


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