The Drunken Movie Critic: The Tourist

Oh my, where to begin with this steaming pile of cinematic garbage.

Okay, maybe that is a little bit harsh. The movie was well worth the $5 matinee price I paid and kept me away from my roommate’s asshole boyfriend for 2 solid hours, and that may be its only saving grace.

I knew from the previews that this was going to be a long.

The story follows a woman (Angelina Jolie) being investigated by Interpol/Scotland Yard who finds a random dude on a train (Johnny Depp) to impersonate some dude. Here’s where the plot starts to deteriorate into standard spy/espionage/identity shifting/sabotage/counterintelligence blah blah blah that I have come to readily expect from Hollywood.

This movie reminds me of watching cop dramas with my parents. To this day, I find it unbearable because they talk through it- they are able to anticipate every plot twist because they have a basic understanding of logic and reasoning. As an example, I left the theater twice (which is EPIC for me, I never leave) and when I came back, I could easily pick up the story line. I don’t like being called stupid. I guess that was my problem with this movie – it was easy and thought that I, also, would be easy to please and therefore did NOTHING to challenge me. Well, fuck you “The Tourist”…I am smart and demand a movie that is not written for some retard with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.

Johnny Depp- you play your part with equal parts humor and nerd.

Angelina Jolie- didn’t you just do Salt? And Mr and Mrs Smith? God I cannot wait until your looks fail and we all realize that you really are an awful actress with no emotional range (minus hostile and sultry).

Paul Bettany- just wanted to shout out. Your part could have been played by a.n.y.o.n.e but I am glad it was you.

Overall Grade- 68%


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