Oh, dear readers, I must apologize for my absence. Only now do I realize that I have been remiss in posting to you the crazy events of my life.
I was standing in my apartment, desperately waiting for the Comcast man to finish installing my Internet, and a series of unequivocally ‘funnynurse’ situations happened. And I thought of you. And so here I am.
First, he showed up right on time. Not funny or nurse, but still, amazing considering sitcoms have told me that people from the cable company are unreliable.
Second, he was hot. Again, not interesting, but sitcoms have also told me that this is how porn starts… although porn has never shown me this, which is very unreliable.
Anyway, he is trying to fix my Internet, letting his skilled hands race over my keyboard, multi-tasking with phone calls to operators and quips about how fast my computer can go and he stares into my eyes and asks “Do you want 20mbps? We can give you 20 over the normal 12 for three months for free”.
It is at this moment, realizing that I don’t understand anything his pretty litle mouth is saying, I decided to kick things up a notch.
Instead of asking him to clarify the question, I blurt out “what is that, speed or something”. The words fall out of my gaping maw so sloppily, it sounded like I should have had a mouth full of chitlins. To cover for this ugly sentence, I then girlishly laugh and say “oh, speed doesn’t matter as long as I can watch porn”. He just looked at me. Unblinking. Unforgiving. Instead of shutting the hell up, I said “I mean, there is nothing worse than watching porn and having it buffer and buffer…I mean, I just want to yell ‘come on porn, I need to see how it ends!!'” He then laughed awkwardly and broke eye contact like he was ashamed for me. But I was not done. HE clearly did not get my joke and so, I had to explain it to him…because obviously, jokes that are explained are the funniest. “Don’t you get it?” I asked. “It is funny because all porn ends the same way…”
The only words spoken from that moment on were, “sign here” as he finished up and tried to make a speedy retreat.
Now, I would like to tell you that no words were spoken because we were having a crazy deep anonymous porn star cableman bang because I am so funny and sexy-awkward that he could not keep his hands off me. But, like most men in my life, he just thought I was weird, and even with my phrasing, did not think my comments were jokes and assumed I really just wanted him to leave so I could watch porn.
What an insightful man.