What the World Needs Now…

So, on a rainy Sunday evening, my roommate and I decided to actually leave the house and go to a bar for drinks. WE decided upon an Irish Pub we had frequented before, only because the bartender is superhero handsome. OH, and he gives us free drinks. So yeah.

Imagine our shock, as we sit down at the bar and hear some kind of up-beat, old timey piano music coming from the back room accompanied by a shrill, opera-esque woman. Curious, we asked what the hell was going on, to which The Bartender replied “every Sunday at around 4pm, this man comes to play old show-tunes and an Access-A-Ride van pulls up and these old women pile out to sing and they don’t leave until closing”.
After a lead-in like that, how could I not try to sing something? The Bartender took my name (and phone number wink wink) and then took my request up to the piano. Imagine my surprise when he did not know how to play “Lady Marmalade”? Undeterred, I then gave him song titles like “Tell Him” “Say A Little Prayer For Me” and “Wishin and Hopin”. (Please note, these are all songs off the My Best Friend’s Wedding soundtrack)

This little piano man was having none of my suggestions. I took time to go to the bathroom (where I do most of my thinking) and while there, I saw a poster on the wall. It showed a picture of the piano man with the tag line “Come Out for a Gay Olde Time”. Yup…that pretty much summed it up. I went back the piano man and asked him what he songs he knew- it seems that if none of my well known suggestions were an option, he could give me some direction as to what was in his particular songbook. The piano man chortled at me and then looked down at his green bejeweled vest- he looked back up, very dramatically and said “I have over two-hundred thousand songs in my head, so I think it is easier if you chose one, dear”.

After some frantic googling of the list of songs on the soundtrack, I came back to him with one final option- “What the World Needs Now is Love” but with the caveat that all the old ladies had to help me because I did not know it that well. I started to warm up by singing a much better song (say a little prayer for me) when this guy walked into the bar, came up to me and said “you have such a beautiful voice, are you going to sing?” Yes, I was going to sing.

And sign I did, while reading the lyrics off the screen of a blackberry, I sang. You know who really could have used some lyrics? The Piano Man…who insisted on singing along with me….loudly and at his own pace.

I finished, to much applause from the Blue-Hiared group and then I headed back to the bar. The same strange man from earlier then came up to me and said “you are so beautiful and you sounded amazing” and then he proceeded to kiss me on the lips directly in the middle of me saying thanks. It kind of skeeved me out…but was also?…not nice but not awful?

So, back to the bar where the bartender gave me another free shot and told me I was very good. Then BAM, out of nowhere, Skeevy guy sits next to me at the bar. My dutiful Roommate/Wingwoman then decided to sneak away, leaving me talking to this dude. Here is an excerpt of the conversation

Skeev-Can I give you my phone number
Me-my phone is…
Skeev- you are so beautiful
Me- broken…my phone is broken
Skeev- I have had 7 phones in the past year
Me- so you are unreliable?
Skeev- no, I didn’t lose them, I switched them
Me- so you have committment issues. Hmmm..Check please

OH, if only it was the simple. I did get the check, but I also, stupidly stupidly gave Skeev my number. I would not give him my last name and i certainly did not “give him the business”, but I could not help but kiss him more- not really because I wanted to, but because he held my head in place with both his hands.

The bartender was a little cold to me as I settled my check and Skeev continued to mack on me. He paid way to much attention to my credit card as I slid it across the bar, so I turned it over and called him a stalker to his face.

I left the bar, and turned around when I realized I forgot my roommate, and the instant I turned around, I was face to face with Skeev. Yeah. He followed me. He then proceeded to face grab again, tell me I was so attractive and wetly kiss me. I made a hasty retreat, choosing to be more stealthy than normal. I then received 4 texts and 2 phone calls in the span of 3 hours. I then turned my phone off, double checked the locks on the doors and windows and watched Friday the 13th on-demand. The only reason I watched the movie was to get my mind off the fact that kissing strangers could lead to mouth herpes.

All in all, an interesting night.


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