Well, now that I haves someone to once again see me naked, I have made the decision to upgrade my panty drawer. While there is nothing wrong with hanes six-pack underwear or my extensive collection of sports bras, I feel that they do not scream “sexy”- hence my recent visit to Victoria’s Secret.
And no, dear reader, this visit was not in person. It was done as almost all my shopping is done- online. There is something so powerful about online shopping, no idiot sales people, no babies, no leaving the house in the rain. Then, a few days later after it has slipped your mind that you engaged in AND for the masochist in me, there is the fact that what you order never really fits or is the wrong color.
So yeah, ordering a bra online is probably the stupidest thing a person could do- everyone’s boobs are different and blah blah blah common sense blah don’t buy online blah. The bras arrive. They do not fit. But not for the reasons you might expect…
For years, Victoria’s secret has been to shove foam into a bra- this allows the illusion of lift/cleavage/separation that woman strive for. Well, flat-chested women strive for it…a girl who orders a size 38D does not. Come on, Victoria, do you think all that padding is necessary with honking tatas like mine? Shut up, Victoria, the question was rhetorical, it is not necessary.
So, I stood looking in the mirror, staring at how my bountiful bosom poured over the top and cursing the day i checked the box for a rush delivery. I bent over to see how much it would cost to have them sent back, and as i did, my left breast fell out. Did I say fell? I meant flopped like a dying fish. I have never felt less sexy, so thanks for that Victoria.
As i tucked Lefty back into this disaster of a garment, I saw that it was $5.99 each to return them. THAT IS ALMOST 12 BUCKS!! It is times like this, I look down at my bracelet and ask..WWJD?
So I take the surgical scalpel that I have in my Emergency Zombie Infection Kit and I begin to slice open the bra to remove the padding. Duh.
So, with the help of natural focus, a Global knife and a 10 blade I deconstructed a $50 bra. And now it kind of looks okay…at least now by breasts actually fit into it…although there is no support or definition and my tits look like garbage. Lesson learned. Well played, Victoria….well played…