Murder Most Foul

Do you think you could get away with murder? I mean, I am pretty sure that the only thing keeping me from murdering someone….well…anyone…is the fear of getting caught.

Last night, as I drove home at around midnight, a rather fat-assed woman of African-American descent decided to cross the road. I was coming down Franklin, reached the bottom (near the ABC store and Whole Foods) and I had a light of the purest and brightest green. The jade ember of that streetlight burned bright in the evening sky,beckoning me froward into the night.

Then, barely visible, wearing a delightful array of grey/black/brown, i barely saw the silhouette of a booty-licious woman back lit by the same that gave me the right of way.
I started to slow, since I am such a good driver (and I was, on this rare occasion, sober) and noticed her several dozen yards ahead. If she kept up her ambling strut across the last two lanes, she would have had enough time to cross quite safely. I am sorry to say, my friends that I misjudged the speed of this woman. No…she did not continue.

Instead, this fine specimen of ghetto trash decided to stop. In the middle of the road. In my lane. And give me the most aggressive and emotive middle finger I have ever experienced.

If I was in a comic book, the finger ‘fuck you’ she gave me would have had little sonic waves around it, showing that when she thrust her hand at me, it moved the air and light around it so that I could feel it both emotionally and physically.

There was not another car in any direction as far as my eye could see. I know this for a fact, because I looked in every direction. I took the time, before hitting my brakes, to look around in a complete 360. Because I wanted to know if anyone would see me run down this bitch in my car.

It took every single ounce of strength and goodness in my body to put on my brakes that night. But I did. But I regret it. I spent the rest of my ride home running over vehicular manslaughter scenarios in my car. Sadly the years I spent watching Law & Order and CSI have made me wrongly assume that the bankrupt state of NC would investigate the random homicide of a homeless black female and prosecute the offender to the fullest extent of the law.


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