Since I am hiding behind a blog and a pseudonym, readers may not know that I am Caucasian. My race makes it harder to explore race and even harder to enjoy humor that plays on racial stereotypes.

With that said, Jamie Foxx seems to think the only way he can be funny is to poke fun at those same stereotypes. From the very beginning his monologue is built around the tagline, “how black is that?” And it is all black from here on.

Enough about my white guilt, onward, to the review!

Best of the Night

Jeremy Renner has a face like an old leather sack. It is that grizzled look that makes him perfect for all those hard-worn, deeply-troubled action roles. Like in The Hurt Locker. And The Town. And The Bourne Legacy. And Mission Impossible. You get the idea — he is a badass.  Then why is he on the longest-running television comedy show? Because SNL is an amazing, magical place where dreams come true, and even leather sacks can be funny.

ONWARD — to the review of the show!

Best of the Night

Monologue: Okay, I know that in every other post I have condemned SNL for using music in the monologue. It has become an overused vehicle of comedy…until now. Anne Hathaway: shut up bitch, we know you can sing. Seth Macfarlane: shut your noise hole, you add song to every Family Guy. But Jeremy Renner singing and playing the piano? Magic. It would have been more amazing if it were unique, but even with the musical monologue standard, this is one to watch.

The Avengers: Strangely, this is kind of like if you and your friends dressed up in really cool Halloween costumes of The Avengers. Compared to the other Avengers, Hawkeye and the girl one are kind of shitty. Snipers? Bow skills? Well, what happens when you run out of arrows?

ID the Body: For some reason, I loved this sketch. Imagine you are called down to ID the body of a loved one…but you get the ID wrong? Taran Killan gets a shout out for being an amazing and dedicated corpse.

Worst of the Night

The Californians: I have never truly understood this sketch. Is it based on a real show? Is knowing all the roads in California really a thing? Why must they all speak that way? Well, I have no answers to the questions above, but this sketch was way too long to be enjoyable. Avoid it at all costs.

Wolf Blitzer: In trying to analyze the news about the CIA/FBI/Whores scandal, SNL mocks the fact that news organizations use the same 3 seconds of footage over and over again. I found it to be pedantic and annoying. I do not need to be crudely reminded of how crude the news is.

50 Shades of Paula Broadwell: At a book signing of Paula Broadwell’s book “All In” the reading gets ‘R’ rated as anecdotes deteriorate into porn-esque trash. This was the start of what I will call the “David Patraeus Episode” with 15 minutes of Weekend Update devoted to the scandal. Over it.

The Musical Guest

Oh, Maroon 5.  I don’t dislike you, but you do nothing for me. First they show up in all red, singing “One More Night” and sounding exactly like the radio version. Then, for the second song, they dress in all grey and sing ‘Daylight” which, as I read my notes,  should be described as “Helium Intensity.” Pass, Maroon 5.

All in all, this was not the best episode of the season. While not the worst, it was hard for me to get interested. Jeremy Renner exceeded my expectations, but some of the recurring sketches left much to be enjoyed. How I miss 1999…

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I’m a little unclear on what portion of the prison the characters have access to, and which sections they’ve cleared of zombies. It seems like whenever a zombie horde is needed by the plot, a character can open a yet unseen door — usually to escape something else — only to inadvertently release more zombies. The prison feels much larger than I was expecting. In the comics they clear it out and take over pretty quickly.

How did the governor’s daughter die, anyway? She seems mostly intact. Meh, I suppose he could have covered up a gaping wound. Is it a discredit to the casting agents or to this child actor that she’s so unconvincing as a zombie?

Was anyone else a little turned on by shirtless Glenn dismembering the zombie and grunting gustily? Just me? OK.

What reason does the governor give for the need to eliminate our survivors at the prison? He doesn’t actually say something like, “we kill them and take their guns.” Does he think they will eventually find Woodbury and attack? He doesn’t at this point realize that’s exactly what’s happening. A throwaway line to clarify his motivations would have been helpful.

The scene between Axel and Carol, where he casually mentions he assumed she was a lesbian, was lovely wasn’t it? “My my, this IS interesting,” he says. She deadpans, “No, it’s not.”

When Rick and crew released a smoke grenade during the raid/rescue of Glenn, my husband immediately notes, “ugh, that’s so Daryl doesn’t see his brother!” Contrived? Because we needed an argument with Rick later on, which couldn’t occur in the heat of the moment? What makes this all the more confusing is that since Andrea doesn’t know Glenn and Maggie are captives, she can’t explain to the Governor who these people are.

Speaking of, I’m not even sure I want to talk about Andrea’s confrontation with Michonne. On the one hand it was a strange but nonetheless original alteration to the established universe to have the two go off on an adventure in between the second and third seasons, but this also meant they had no experiences in the prison. In the comics Andrea comes to realize she is an incredible markswoman and is eventually their go-to defense person. She is actually one of the most crucial characters in that regard. Instead she…um, well she…blindly fell in love with the governor…and kind of forgot her old life…because keeping zombie heads in aquariums is totes fine. Needless to say I’m over Andrea.

Since Michonne wasn’t beaten and raped repeatedly by the governor, why is she seething in anger, on a solitary mission for vengeance in his house? Because Merle chased and attempted to kill her? Wait…so then wouldn’t she be after him instead? I find this adjustment to her character very unfulfilling. In the comics when Michonne is violated, it’s after a point where we already know how strong she is, so it’s that much more disturbing. You thought to yourself, “gosh, Michonne can be hurt in this way? This governor fellow is a monster!” Then when she finally gets her revenge, it’s incredibly satisfying. So where are we with her on the show? She’s just this sort of mysterious, quiet, disgruntled, aimless lady who can swing a samurai sword (but frequently chokes at the last moment). Is it just because no one other character besides Rick can be the star of the show?

This brings me to my biggest complaint and overarching observation of the show thus far. I’m just going to go out and say it. The television version of The Walking Dead has ruined all of its important female characters. Andrea, Michonne, Carol, Maggie, Lori (RIP, obvy): Name one of them who is inexorably crucial both to the survival of the fictional group of characters as well as our satisfaction with watching this show. You cannot.

The Governor’s gouged eye was a nice touch, though. But why the wrong eye?

Special mention should go to whomever made all those animatronic zombie heads. Nice work!

Special jokes mention should go to whomever designed Merle’s knife-stump prosthesis. Looking at it more and more, I can’t help but realize how ridiculous it is. Seriously. Look at that thing!

See you in February…

These questions and better ones will be answered tonight as we sit down with one of Glee‘s writers.

Spoiler Alert: New Directions lost Sectionals. What does this mean, because after a few minutes of explanation and four years of watching this show, I still don’t really know how this works.

Well thank you again for having me back. The loss at Sectionals, was I’ll admit, fairly confusing. Several of us actually wondered whether we had blanked out on Klonopin and skipped a whole episode. But nope…just no transition was written. Oops! Sectionals is the competition for just the town of Lima, Ohio — a town disproportionately filled with professional choir groups, racist/ironic choir groups, and everything in between. Regionals is sort of the greater Ohio area. Then obviously at the end we have Nationals. I’m sure we’ll find a way to write in our Glee crew somehow making it onward in the competition. It’ll involve a plot thread connecting Sue’s retarded baby, Mr. Schue’s government job, and the bath house circuit (which is totes a thing).

Cassandra July is evil and amazing. I wonder, if Ms. July ever had a showdown with Sue Sylvester, who would win?

Wait, I just realized Brody was conspicuously absent from class. I wonder what he was up to. Anyway, and you know this is just one of those quirks of producing a television show, but I didn’t even realize her last name was July. You learn something everyday. What’s most amazing about Rachel’s NYADA experience is that she has just that one class and one teacher. I bet you didn’t realize that’s how performing arts colleges work. No, she doesn’t take singing classes. That’s what Autotune is for! Jokes…sort of. Say, did you think her two solos (more on that in a bit) sounded lovely or grossly overproduced and grating?

For the Winter Formal Competition…whatever that is…Guinan speaks of drama and dance and music as art. Do you think the actors of Glee consider themselves artists?

I mean, did you not hear Kurt’s amazing rendition of…um…wait it’s coming to me…that song…where his voice was totally beautiful and not the sound of a peacock sitting on a frozen bottle of antifreeze. Some actors with success early in life take time off to attend college, recollect themselves, and develop in private as an actor. Some actors.

Trouty Mouth and Brittany are dating. There was absolutely no reason this needed to happen. In a related note, when will Marley and Finn start having sex?

Yah I know. We need to get Marley’s field plowed before she is of consenting age, because otherwise… because otherwise. So Trouty Mouth. He went away for a while. I can’t remember why. He was liked, is pretty, and his voice is not horrific. But for reasons that currently escape me, he had to go last season. Then we brought him back, because he was poor. Then he wasn’t poor anymore, and he dated Mercedes. But really, who else could he land with besides the other blonde — Brittany?

Why, for the love of all that is holy, could you explain why Rachel Berry had to sing two songs in a row? It seemed endless. I believe that combined the songs only had 14 words total, but Rachel just screamed them all. Screamed. So much awful, gape-mouthed lip-syncing. So, why two songs? Why did you have to punish America?

After the genius inclusion of All That Jazz – a song you probably were shocked to learn we had held back on all these years — we realized we had a tremendous opportunity to give Lea Michelle her contractually-obligated overproduced, shrill, double solo highlight Lea Michelle’s glorious voice. We also realized we could insert the heretofore unknown (and never to be mentioned again, natch) character “Alexandra Pachooskie,” and continue the slow, inevitable, misplaced inclusion of Shangela. Then we were like, “how can we possibly top having an established Jewish character belting out her ‘favorite’ Christmas song? Duh! Slow-motion + Tears For Fears. It always works!” Always!

Well the wait was definitely worth it, ladies and gentlepersons, because this podcast is a doozy! We’re talking full-on ridiculous klassy stuff here.

No need to ruin the surprise in the story, so stop reading this and go listen.Listen in browser:

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I realize this would have been super boring, but wasn’t it possible for Merle to simply ask Glenn where his brother was? And then Glenn would have just calmly taken him. But seriously I really liked the torture teaser. The tor-teaser? (“No, my son, not everything can be combined into a combination word.” “You, you…you shut up and you die.” GUNSHOTS] It not only mirrored the graphic novel version — the tortured captives (which did include Glenn) are in cells right next to each other and can hear what’s happening — but it was also unusually light on the gore. See, you don’t have to show dismemberment to build suspense. 

Did Michonne find the prison purely by chance? Did she wander into the “red zone,” and if so does that mean the prison is also there? It’s interesting that the show chose to bring her into the fold so suspiciously, and I appreciate that several elements from her time in Woodbury — namely the offering of medical treatment and the taking of her sword — were identical. In the comics, though, she basically waltzes up to the gates and is let in, minus her armless zombies (nee, Zonkeys (TM)).

Wait, so why didn’t Michonne mention Andrea? She freely explained running into Glenn and Maggie, and yet it just didn’t occur to her to bring up the lady she’s been travelling with for months? Surely Andrea mentioned these people before. “Well there’s a redneck with a bow, a sheriff, a boy, a preggers lady, a black guy. You know, your typical zombie survival (zurvival?) group.” Serious plot hole.

Did anyone else notice the absurdity of our crew loading up their weapons in preparation for the raid on Woodbury in…an obviously product-placement crossover SUV? They typically can’t find the time to clean blood off their faces, and yet this weird green vehicle is spotless. “Introducing the 2013 Hyundai Zombie-RX Sportility Hellraiser: Eddie Bauer Edition.”

When the old man was laying in his deathbed, and he leaned up to say something inaudible to Eugene (the “scientist”), didn’t you half-expect it to be, “who is this strange woman you brought to watch me die?” Wasn’t Andrea’s deadpan rebuttal of Eugene’s logic great too? “No…they become monsters…you silly fuck.” I don’t love this newly oblivious Andrea, but I’m glad she has things going on. So what exactly was Eugene’s thesis? That zombification can be lessened, mitigated, or reversed by what, psychiatry? The music in these scenes was a nice touch. Very Fallout 3.

Wow! Glenn’s one-man chair-fight with the zombie was FREAKING AWESOME. Is Glenn secretly the best character on this show? I loved that they took a little more time than usual with the dance. Clearly, Glenn wasn’t going to actually die, but the back-and-forth was suspenseful nonetheless. And I ain’t gonna complain about no wood through the eye socket special effects either!

The Governor in his TV form continues to be the most idiotic characterization. In his interrogation of Maggie he starts by saying how dangerous her people are (given that they do things like handcuff people to rooftops and leave them to die or amputate), and that she should thus tell him where they are. “I don’t know anything about that,” she replies correctly. Then he says, “…we’ll bring them here…where they’ll be safe.” Wait, aren’t they a danger? So we’re going to bring dangerous people here, so they can be safe? And just a point of order: Michonne is the one sexually abused by the Governor, not Maggie. I get that it’s more upsetting for the two lovers to be in simultaneous danger, but it’s not like Maggie is raped and beaten repeatedly like Michonne was.

If there was any doubt that Michonne wasn’t horrible/amazing (the dark made-for-TV sequel to Crazy/Beautiful?), she quickly knifes that random dude in the cabin. He was just minding his business, hanging out with his dead dog, and then a bunch of strangers brought nothing but death to his hideout. But was it a little short-sighted that she didn’t finish the job by knifing his brains?

Tonight, we opened with not just one song, but a mash-up of “Home” and “Homeward Bound.”  The singers were all previous Glee members who appear to have been hopelessly haunting the halls of their high school. Some state they are “in college” or “going to ballet school” or “happy,” but since I never see it, I cannot believe it. Do you ever want to show the spin offs of these characters as you did with Kurt and Rachel?

Woh, what’s with the softball question? I thought surely you’d ask why this Thanksgiving episode had literally nothing to do with the holiday, but OK. It seems like you might be using sarcasm to make light of the fact that a bunch of creepy ex-seniors are just wandering the halls of their old high school at any hour of the day. Wasn’t it nice to see how fantastically out of touch Quinn still is? We haven’t really intended to do spin-offs per se, as much as we intended to reuse sets because that is cheap. And hey, it was a little fun and nostalgic to see the old gang at Breadstix. I kind of miss the black guy. Say, whatever happened to him?

Let’s stay in Lima for a bit to discuss Sectionals. Yes, it is that time of year, where we get to hear from the competition around McKinley High School. It seems that every year, a new, slightly offensive Glee Club is added to the mix. For example:

• Season 1: The Jane Addams Academy for troubled female youth
• Season 2: The Hipsters: a groups composed of senior citizens
• Season 3: The Unitards: a good group with an awful name

What other suggestions were there before you chose The Mennonites this season?

Vocal Adrenaline and Aural Intensity. Ha ha ha I have no idea who those are either. Remember when the “pre-Sectionals ritual” involved everyone hugging it out in a circle just before going on stage, and totally not at all involved them yelling at each other and not rehearsing the songs? We were going to have Lindsay Lohan guest judge, and the slightly offensive third glee club were going to be recovering meth addicts, but then someone remembered we already had Lindsay do a cameo last year. That’s why we seemed to have wasted a fun cameo guest judge opportunity, and the Mennonites were a last-minute addition.

Was it the intention of the director to make the Dalton Academy Warblers look like mini-rapist? On set, does he actually tell the actors to look directly into the camera and make a face that says “Sure, I will watch your drink while you go to the bathroom…wink…oh wait did I just say wink?”

Your question reminds me of the argument I got in with another writer. She was saying it might look really messed up to have an argument between Rachel and Brody that mentioned nothing of the ethical implications of a teacher sleeping with her student. I was like, “you crazy, bitch.” And then we fired her. Oh….good times. Wait, what was your question? Oh yes, something about misogyny  Frankly I see nothing wrong with sexualizing teenage males to the point of discomfort for everyone involved. Besides, Darren Criss is getting old in the tooth, and in case there was any question as to Ryan Murphy’s casting motivations for Rider and Jake (because it ain’t their rhythm, amiright), well…let’s just say the carpet matches the knife in the drawer, if you know what I mean.

I am over this Bulimia thing. Can’t Ms. Pillsbury give New-Rachel the same pamphlet she gave Old-Rachel?

OK now you are honestly creeping me out. Where did you find this image? Is this being recorded?

Enough about the losers in Ohio, let’s spend some time talking about the losers in NYC.  Why would an adult, successful rich woman spend her Thanksgiving with two 18-year olds? Don’t give me that bullshit about Gore Vidal. No self-respecting person would travel to Bushwick on the MTA on a Holiday. Also, ”Gangam Style” was featured in this episode. While I am glad that Tina Cohen-Chang get to sing, was there discussion about how racist it would seem to choose the Chinese girl to sing a Korean song? Pan-Asian much, Glee?

Right after I recovered from the speechlessness that accompanied my final reading of the amazing and correctly pronounced Gagnam Style performance (seriously, re-watch it on iTunesTubeBook), I was like, “hey everyone, we got this SJP lady in for another couple of episodes, what should we do with her?” And as it turns out someone had left the TV on TBS, whereSex and the City is playing on repeat nonstop, but like the version without swearing or nudity that totally sucks. So I was like, “hey, let’s just drop some Carrie Bradshow REALNESS, mmkay?” And since everyone is terrified of me they copied half an old SATC script verbatim, cranked up the Photoshop airbrushing computer Parker outlines in her rider, and we went to town on what must have been Glee’s most realistic depiction of no-nothing dorky kids with shit jobs and no friends living in a totally not impossibly large loft in a part of Brooklyn no one actually goes to ever for any reason.

Okay, so let’s talk about the Scissor Sisters. First, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart that you had Sarah Jessica Parker take on the task of Ana Matronic and did not give that role to Rachel Berry. Lea Michele, with her spray tan and bangs does not have the homosensuality to pull that off.  Did you have to explain to SJP how to “kiki?”

Well first someone had to explain to me that Scissor Sisters broke up, and then I was like, “idiot, you’re fired.” We all laughed uncontrollably, and that person later killed himself or something, I dunno. “Let’s Have a Kiki” is actually kind of not a current nor popular song, and regardless it’s past its prime and yet has gained a smidgen of notice mostly through blog mentions and shared word of its fun video, which is to say it’s complete in Glee’s wheelhouse. I wish I could say we consciously decided not to give the lead here to Lea Michelle, but the truth is that SJP had it in her contract that she’d sing at least one song. Since this song is mostly just saying words in a monotone voice, we knew she’d not totally screw it up. And besides, SJP is kind of awesome. At the end of that scene, didn’t you just want to put all disbeliefs aside and imagine yourself as a scruffy New Yorker who stumbled upon this quirky amazing night to remember with your fancy boss and her drag queen bohemian fashionista friends?

Yep, we sound like tools. But for your enjoyment!

Also, we recorded this like 6 months ago and don’t remember any of the complaints. Plus, no one listens anyway. Enjoy!

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BS: Yeah, I draw the line at needles in the eye. This season is much more about the gore than last season, don’t you think? Or, have I just blocked it from my mind? Also, the end of the episode when Anne opens the door and you see Chloe Sevigny in her current state…truly disturbing.

MJ: Agreed! So as we start the fourth episode, let’s review a few things. There are monsters in the present who rip people’s arms off, and they may or may not be the same monsters that the Doctor is creating (from not-missed mental patients?). The Doctor is also occasionally feeding mental patients to his mutated-monster-mental patients. Got that? OK then we have aliens abducting people, implanting bug-chips in their necks, and sometimes they also might be beheading and skinning people alive. There is totally also a demon flying around. Am I missing anything? Oh right, Bloody Face! He’s this season’s Rubber Man. Who is it? Well, that’s its own section.

BS: We also have Nazis. This is definitely the “kitchen sink” method of screenwriting.

MJ: So let’s speculate! I’m leaning towards the Doctor, but that’s a little too obvious and perfect. Operating under the assumption that the Bloody Face in the present (“mmm, Adam Levine, nom nom”) is the same as the one in the 60′s, it would have to be someone not super old. Could it be Zachary Quinto? It’s probably someone boring like the guard. Oh! Or maybe it’s Grace! She really did murder her family after all. No, it’s Joseph Fiennes! I…have no idea.

BS: I like the idea that Bloody Face in the present is NOT the same Bloody Face as in the past. Like, maybe there is a copycat scenario, or someone finishing the work of the original Bloody Face? You’re right that the Doctor is too obvious. I think Quinto is a good guess, or Joseph Fiennes, who has been underutilized.

MJ: OMG we have not even gotten to Anne Frank. This show went there! This adds another layer of “is this real or are these people cray-cray?” I like that the Doctor’s maybe a Nazi. Or just like, a little bit Nazi. Just dabbles in Nazi. And thank goodness Anne is still writing. I am looking forward to the sequel. Let’s guess at the title:

• “The Diary of Anne Frank 2: Back to the Attic”
• “The Diary of Anne Frank 2: The Franks Go to Hawaii!”
• “The Diary of Anne Frank 2: The Secret of the Jews“

How great was Michonne’s “Biter-Gram?” Why exactly did the Governor send out Merle and crew to find her? It’s not like she was going to come back to town. Are they hunting her? Is she hunting them? It just seemed like an excuse to have gory conflict in the teaser, which is sad given the last few very excellent openers. How does Michonne get so easily out-sworded by Merle by the way? And why does Merle so dislike the idea of following her into the “red zone” (the as yet unexplained dangerous area) that he shoots his fellow citizen (“the other one”) in the face…and then straight up follows Michonne anyway? To the shopping center where Glenn and Maggie just happen to be?

How unhelpful was Michonne, by the way? Very. I don’t like how the show has established that Merle and Michonne are somehow evenly matched. Um, they aren’t at all. Michonne is the graphic novels’ craziest, most amazingly bad-ass, definitely can literally cut a bitch/zombie/zombie bitch character. I suppose being a made-up character allows Merle to perhaps be in the same neighborhood, but I do not support it.

I’m still unclear whether Carl shot Lori or not. He says he did, but that undead zombie did not look like Lori. If that was Lori, then Carl is lying, and the makeup team sucks. If that wasn’t Lori, where is her body, and who was the zombie Rick shot in the head? Another zombie who happened to be pregnant? Did a zombie gorge herself on Lori’s corpse, filling its stomach? If this is leading to a shambling Lori zombie later on, I’m all for it. If not, this was unnecessarily confusing.

Obviously we can’t really discuss these questions without speaking about Rick’s phone calls, so let’s. In the comics these occur after the crew leave the prison, while Rick is on the run. I’m OK with the change because in both instances it was right after Lori died. To be fair to comics Rick, he only saw her shot in the stomach and could conceivably believe she had been rescued and brought back to health somehow. In the show I don’t think this is as clearly explained. Doesn’t Rick know he shot Lori’s zombie self in the head? Or did he merely shoot a zombie in the head? He was in a state of crazy, after all. Both female voices describe living in a safe space but are reticent to divulge where (and were just dialing random numbers until someone picked up). There was definitely no dude on the phone in the comics, though, and there weren’t questions about how Rick’s wife died. This felt too forced to me, as if we wouldn’t make the connection. It’s creepy enough Rick is taking secret incredulous phone calls from a woman. Anyway, clearly the woman’s voice represents Rick not yet being over Lori’s death, so then who is the man on the phone supposed to be? Carl?

Why is the archer girl so terrible? Not just at archery but also at life. She jokes that she killed her father for the expensive bow, when really it was because he got all zombified. Then she freaks out when Andrea takes care of a zombie with a quick knife to the head. Um, remember how you sucked at shooting arrows? I keep saying this week after week, but there are some Woodbury citizens who are in desperate need of being eaten.

Are we supposed to believe or care about the Governor’s burgeoning relationship with Andrea? I think we are. I think we are supposed to grow to like him, despite his flaws (oh and what flaws they are!), and then we’ll be so super shocked when Andrea realizes he is crazy. The problem with this is that it’s obvious to the viewer the Governor is horrible, so where does this leave Andrea? Oddly oblivious. Needless to say the graphic novels do not feature a Governor romance subplot, much less one with Andrea (a character he never meets)!

So at long last we come to the point when the Governor captures people from the prison, finally learning of its presence. I cannot stress enough how major this is in the graphic novels, so it’ll be interesting to see it play out on TV. Still, I cannot help but notice that Rick wasn’t captured. This is CRUCIAL to his character. Granted, he is dealing with the loss of Lori at the moment, but can the TV show really not explore Rick’s time in Woodbury? If you can’t tell already, I’m trying very hard not to spoil it.

As always, thanks for taking time out of your day to speak with us. First, I must say that the theme this week was 50 shades of awful. I could not decide if it was lazy cosplay or an ill-timed Halloween episode. Can you explain how the holy hell you came up with this idea?

You always thank me for coming, but are you being factious? Fortunately I do not know what “factious” means, so we can move forward. Anyway, to answer your question, the original idea was to center an episode around Darren Criss slashfic (Ryan Murphy has a serious Spandex fetish) with Blaine/Night Bird at the center. But…then we realized we don’t care about character motivations and just straight up made everyone where costumes anyway. Hey, it was at least original.

MJ: OK in all seriousness, the Adam Levine cameo on this week’s American Horror Story: Asylum lasted way longer than I thought it would or could. He just kept coming back. Die already! Incidentally this is how I feel about Maroon 5. (Side note: Did you catch Mark Conseulos’ cameo?)

BS: Yes, sometimes they come back…again. Mark Consuelos is actually on the credits, which leads me to believe that his role will get bigger. I for one am excited about that!

BS: What do you make of the Scream-esque change-up that they pulled with Bloody Face/the Bloody Face masked teenagers who killed Adam Levine? (Bloody Face Masked Teenagers Who Killed Adam Levine is also the name of my punk band. Our hits include “Moves Like Dagger” and “She will be Shoved.”)

MJ: Um, well it perhaps reminds me more of season 1′s nurse murder impersonators. Remember them? I’d say the masked teenagers’ masks were a little too elaborate. Also, is Blood Face wearing a mask, and if so does he need to continually remake it?

MJ: Zachary Quinto needs to watch it. And I mean watch it girl. At any moment I expect Scary Sister to have him committed for some reason.

BS: There is definitely way more to his story, but I’m thinking Scary Sister is going to get herself committed if she keeps tossing back the Communion wine and waxing poetic about that girl she killed, “in the gloaming.”

MJ: Good point. Also, these loaves of bread are way over-kneaded. So much angsty kneading. Not a question, just saying.

MJ: I love how Rape Doctor thinks the most pressing matter with regard to the weird alien implant is, “who sent you here?” and not, “holy crap how does this tiny metal device perfectly emulate an insect!?!”

BS: Which of course makes you think that he has seen similar things before, but where? Also, the doctor is terrifying. (But also, how ridiculously unsubtle was the smearing of lipstick on the Virgin Mary? Chill out man, go feed your creatures and relax.)

MJ: Agreed on all counts. Now let’s discuss Little Sister. She’s transitioned from simpleton henchwoman to devilish inhuman monster. Did I miss an episode? Maybe Rape Doctor experimented on her off screen. I predict she is going to die soon. I kind of love her.

BS: At the end of the last episode, when the possessed kid died, the demon left his body and went into hers. I hope they keep her around to wreak more havoc before killing her off. Who will the demon possess next!? Also, this show would have us believe that in the 1960s simply being Mexican was apparently enough reason to commit someone.

MJ: I assume like everyone else, she  killed her family, and her title as “The Mexican” is just racist laziness on everyone’s part.

MJ: Last season the house itself was the source of evil. What’s it this season? Is there some unseen force pushing these characters towards destruction? Maybe it’s Jesus.

BS: My guess is either aliens or communists, or a mixture of the two.

MJ: Wait, how was the little girl whom Scary Sister ran over missing for six days if she was left on the road? No one drove on that road for a week, apparently.

BS: She must have gotten rid of the body somehow?

MJ: By aliens? I would like to believe that Jessica Lange gets blackout drunk after a bottle of red wine, I really do. But let’s get real. Also, is she the only star of this season? Name another star. Don’t get me wrong, I love her, but I don’t need everything to be about her.

BS: I agree–where is the star power? We need more back story on a number of the characters, and she is eating up all the time.

BS: Ok, here’s my question. What the hell are the creatures? They are certainly humanoid, but look a little Bloody Face-esque. Are they people that the doctor has operated on? Or, are they his own creations, much like the baby-pig monsters of season 1?

MJ: I definitely think they are creations of the doctor, and they started out human.

BS: Did Scary Sister see an alien?

MJ: Really unclear.

BS: Also, I had to look up the song “Dominique” that they keep playing in the asylum, and it is by The Singing Nun! A subtle Mad Men style reference it is not, but still very interesting!

MJ: Excellent detective work, but now I must have you committed!

Also no one reads this part. I DEFY someone reading this to make it known that they do in fact read it!

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I ended last week’s recap with this question, and it deserves to be brought up again: How are they going to take care of this baby? Babies don’t eat food. They drink nutrient-dense breast milk and/or formula. Oh, but no problem…let’s just go out into the world in search of formula! How long exactly does formula keep? Is it months? Gah, don’t get pregnant, idiots!

I loved how Michonne just waltzed up in that house and took back her sword. Would the only sassy black woman with dreadlocks be able to sneak around? Apparently the governor’s mansion has locks on inside doors only. She of course wastes no time in dispatching a couple of cooped-up zombies. But why were there zombies cooped up, not Michonne asks?

Under what circumstances does the Governor thinks Michonne was “fitting in?” She is constantly sulking around, shooting side-eye glances of shade at everyone. She speaks almost never. Oh, and her history remains a mystery. But yes, it was almost time for her to get her sword back? I wish the Governor was more clearly evil, as evil as he is in the graphic novels. He’s more than just a guy who shoots soldiers to steal their stuff. He’s vindictive. He takes grisly revenge. He’s supposed to be worse than the zombies. More cunning and unpredictable. Where is that guy?

Should our crew be more concerned about finding Carol? No? It’s a better use of time to go find T-Dog’s corpse so he can bury it.

The dorky scientist (OK, probably high school biology teacher who lied about his experience to seem more useful) is somehow still alive. Is there some way we can work on that?

So Daryl and Maggie somehow come upon a nursery in under a few hours of looking for one. Totally plausible. It looks like it’s in good shape too! What was the possum eating?

I realize the show is trying to build suspense with Woodbury, without letting too much be revealed early on. But now we’re into episode 5, and it’s just way too slow. In the graphic novels, there’s really no time to fall into a sense of comfort when Rick and Michonne come upon the town and its Governor. Nope, it’s pretty much horrific to begin with! And yet if we are to become accustomed to Woodbury on the show, only for it to be snatched out, why reveal that the Governor keeps heads in jars, or that there is an unexplained cage of zombies, or that he has a little girl zombie in a straight-jacket? Either keep us in the dark [but suspicious via Michonne's unease] or go crazy from the beginning.

Who was the extra they hired for the Lori zombie, and why? If it was her, then why did she look nothing like Lori? And why was she so incredibly zombified already? I don’t think all of your hair immediately falls out when you become a zombie. As evidence I site, I dunno, the little girl zombie in this same episode! And why was Lori’s stomach so inflated? Was it full of putrification gas? It was definitely meant to be the same room, because there was a bullet on the floor, where apparently Carl missed shooting his mom. Why is Carl such a bad son?

Finally, finally the zombie arena is revealed. Was it shocking to y’all? My husband was nothing but confused. “I just don’t believe anyone would do this. Don’t they need these strong fighters?” It’s explained in the novels that the [basically enforced participation] arena is a way to keep the populace in check. If they have this to look forward to/be afraid of, then they don’t question the Governor. It makes sense in a sick sort of way.