Shahs of Sunset: Episode 1

As I was reading my notes for this premiere episode of Shahs of Sunset one phrase stuck out. A phrase that summed up the whole series.

Holy Shit — Everyone of these people is the worst.

And by them….I mean Persians.

For those who are unfamiliar with this train wreck, Shahs of Sunset is yet another Bravo reality show mess. Instead of housewives and fashion designers, this show focuses on the super rich Persians that fled Iran after therevolution and the rise of Ayatollah Kohmeini. Well, the characters of this show were children when their families (both Muslim and Jewish) fled to come to Los Angeles (playfully called Tehran-geles because it has the highest Persian population outside of Iran). Though the opening monologue insinuates that all the wealth was gone after the fleeing, I can not think of many other refugees that relocate to Beverly Hills…so I call shenanigans to these gold-chained, ridiculous, pathetic, fake-ass, hairy Shahs of Sunset.

First of all, I cannot think of anyone who is normal or contented who has wanted to be on national TV. In fact most average Americans do not want their personal drama broadcast all over the world. So what self-obsessed bastards would subject themselves to this Farsi farce? Well, let’s meet the players!!

GG:

Real Name: Golnesa Gharachedaghi
Likes: Nose jobs, Guns, shopping and getting money from her daddy
Hates: Ants, Fat People

We meet GG as she throws herself vagina-first at Mike. GG has the personality of a girl who relies solely on her looks. She has no job, no boyfriend, no prospects and no originality. She truly proves the point that money cannot by class.

MJ: 

Real Name: Mercedes Javid
Likes: fugly Chihuahuas, housedresses, facebook pages, Real Estate
Hates: her mom, marriage

MJ makes a point to discuss how much she hates marriage and relationships. This is poignant because with her negativity and meaty arms, there is no way this woman is going to find love. After watching the first 30 minutes of this show, I knew that I would not smother her if she was on fire, let alone want to be friends with her. But, MJ is a traditional Fag Hag, so for that reason, she has redeemed herself and of the women, I kind of hate her the least.

Asa:

Real Name: Asa Soltan Rahmati
Likes: being Bohemian, expressing herself, calling herself an artist, acting poor
Hates: fake-ass pretty Persians

Oh, Asa, you really stand out from the crowd in this episode. According to Asa, she is quite well known in the Venice art scene. Sadly, her artistry smacks of privilege. Not many people get to lounge around Venice Beach, rent recording studios and still go to fabulous dinners at exclusive eateries all over LA. So, I am not buying into her whole anti-spoiled rhetoric. I absolutely love that Asa and GG hate each other and I cannot wait to watch them implode.

Reza:

Real Name: Reza Farahan
Likes: Boys, sex-offender mustaches, himself
Hates: it seems like he hates everyone and everything that is not directly related to himself

Reza. He is the gayest gay who ever gayed. He loves selling houses. He gossips and flames up every scene he is in. I kind of really want to hate him for being so self involved but he adds so much drama that I cannot help but feel sorry for him.

Sammy:

Real Name: Samon Younai
Likes: whores
Hates: being forgettable

With his thinning hair and big Buddha belly, Sammy is kind of gross. He looks kind of sweaty a lot, though he is dressed well. He had better thank his lucky stars that he has money because, ew, just ew. He has so much bling and tries to throw so many parties.  He keeps alluding to how he dates hot women. Replace the word “hot” with “desperate whore” and that pretty much nailed it.

Mike:

Real Name: Michael Shouhed
Likes: looking hot, making money, selling houses, talking to him mommy on speaker phone in front of clients, spraying his balls with cologne
Hates: losing money in real estate, dating one person at a time

Mike is total eye candy. He seems to be a player who uses women for sex. You know, your typical Jewish boy. He lived in Vegas and he will not shut up about it. Apparently, he is kind of fake dating GG, he loves his mother and he really likes to have a great-smelling scrotum.

So, to sum it up, this show proves to be a slightly richer version of Jersey Shore. And let me be perfectly clear. When I say “richer” I do not mean more vibrant character or a deeper story arc. Nope, I mean that these hairy bastards have money. And that proves to be the only difference.

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